So You’re Afraid of Talking to Girls

Are you one of those guys who has a hard time talking to women? Does starting up a conversation with a pretty girl seem about as easy solving a calculus test while blindfolded? If not … then you can probably skip this article. But if you are, you’re not alone; others share your plight, and I, personally, have yet to hear any solid advice about it. That’s probably because—and here’s the bad news—there isn’t any one, easy answer to this problem. However, there are a few kernels of wisdom that hopefully can help things a little.

First of all, know that your problem is very real. But often, people pass it off like it’s no big deal: “You just have to have confidence, bro,” or “You just gotta go talk to ‘em … bro.” At face value, that’s actually not bad advice, really, but for anyone who’s truly afraid of girls, this is much easier said than done. Your brain knows what you have to do, and that the stakes of failure are pretty low (a girl saying “no” is far from the worst thing in the world) but if you’re truly afraid of talking to women, even though your brain knows what to do, your heart and your feet have very different opinions—having a girl in front of you that you want to talk to might as well be like climbing Mt. Everest during Yeti season. You just feel like you can’t do it. What’s worse is the notion that maybe this girl is the one! This could be your future wife, if you’ll just talk to her! … And yet, you can’t. And that’s the most maddening part. Every ride on the subway, every trip to a coffee shop can turn into an agonizing trial of watching true love slip through your grasp as you stand by helplessly.

Sounds crappy. Can’t say I can relate.

Just kidding. As you can see, I totally understand the experience. And I’m a pretty logical, get-business-done kind of guy! Normally for this sort of thing, my advice would be, “Stop being a wimp and just do it,” but as someone who’s experienced it, I know that all the common sense and courage in the world sometimes just doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, there’s no magic solution to your problem. Just like there’s no solution to being bad at math, or having a short attention span, or getting weirdly turned on at the thought of being kidnapped by lizard women who force you to become one of the “breeders” … okay, maybe that last one is oddly specific. Anyway, there is no magic solution to your problem: like any other difficulty you might have to contend with in life, it’s not so much a question of getting rid of it; rather it’s a question of bringing it down to manageable levels.

Now the good news. It is manageable. Here’s some advice that I hope will help.

First, let’s put your problem into perspective. Are you really afraid of talking to girls? At first, you might say, “What are you talking about, I find myself almost physically unable to walk up to a girl, that’s how terrified I am.” But think about this: Are you afraid of talking to your mother or sister? (And I’m assuming your mom is normal, not like that “No wire hangers!!!” lady from that one movie.) Here, you’re probably saying, “Yeah, but that’s different! She’s my mom!” … Yeah, but still a female. So clearly, it’s not that you’re afraid of talking to women. You can do it, you just need a situation in which you feel comfortable enough.

Let me sidetrack by telling you a quick story of two gladiators, Gaius and Maximus. Whenever Gaius fights a one-on-one fight, he always loses. Maximus, however, often wins. This makes Gaius think of himself as a substandard fighter. Then one day, Gaius fights in a multi-combatant free-for-all. He finds that the ability to use the chaos to his advantage, combined with his superior endurance, results in him winning the fight, while Maximus struggles. Who, then, is the more successful fighter? It turns out that both are adept depending on the situation. If Gaius is smart, he’ll enter more free-for-all fights and perhaps stay away from one-on-one combats. If he does this, he’s likely to be quite successful. Sometimes knowing your strengths is the key to success.

So what does this have to do with talking to women? Well, in my experience, when a lot of guys think about talking to girls, what usually comes to mind is bars/clubs and chance public meetings (talking to strangers in stores, etc.) Now, it’s true these situations can yield results, and a wise man will utilize every chance available in his search for love (provided he has the guts), but unless you’re extremely charismatic, your odds here are pretty low. This is especially true in bars where, if you’re the kind of guy who has trouble talking to women in the first place, you might not exactly fit in with the crowd.

So the trick, is, then, to put yourself in situations where you can talk to women more easily. Like Gaius, you don’t want to be playing someone else’s game … you want to be playing the game you’re best at. And what game that is is kind of up to you to figure out. Of course, an obvious place is online. This gives you ample time to think about responses without having to worry about all the other stuff, like your facial expressions, or if your overactive sweat glands are starting to kick in again. But also keep your eyes out for other things, too. Look for local gatherings were you can meet people in situations that showcase your talents. There was one time where I found a group of over-30 singles who met for brunch ever Sunday. This was a really good way for me to socialize in a more relaxed atmosphere than a club. If you’re religious, you can look for church gatherings, etc. Try taking fitness classes … or dare I say, martial arts. Or, just make sure you go to every party your friends throw: sometimes you can meet new people at those.

Now, the wise will be quick to point out the old adage: “Don’t crap where you eat.” Sometimes when you find a group that tends to be a comfortable place for you to meet people, you might find that it’s too easy for you to talk to women, and if you’re not careful, you might get the reputation of that guy who’s always hitting on the new girls who come to Thursday board game nights. Then again, sometimes you have to put your own goals ahead of the opinions of others. In any case, if you’re in this situation, mission accomplished, you’re talking to women without fear!

But what if there are no such social situations in your town? This can be a problem in less metropolitan areas. Well, as the saying goes: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Try creating your own! You can perhaps expect failure, but you never know: you might get something going. A friend of mine did just this very thing, so I’ve seen it happen. With enough effort, and a bit of promotion, you might be able to start something big … and that level of initiative and leadership looks great to any prospective girlfriends.

But now a little reality check. I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s easy. Just … easier. Hopefully, though, you’ll manage to find a time and a place where you can be charismatic and talk to women with less stress, and even polish up your skills for some of those harder situations, like bars. And also, let me stress that I don’t recommend you completely give up on some on the harder social situations (again: clubs, cafes, and the like). When it comes to finding love, you want to try your best to utilize every resource you can. Just don’t beat yourself up if you’re not great at it, and realize it’s not your best playing field.

In any case, if the thought of talking to girls makes you more nervous than a hotdog in front of Takeru Kobiyashi, know that: A. You’re not a wimp, B. You still have to deal with it anyway, and you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and C. Thankfully, there are some ways to put yourself in situations that are more conducive to your success. So like any wise warrior, be brave, but also know on which battlefield you fight your best. Good luck to you.

Oh—there’s one other way to put yourself in some situations where you might feel more comfortable talking to women, but that involves traveling to other countries, and carries with it its own field of hazards, strategies, and prejudices to navigate. We’ll talk about that in our next article! Stay tuned!

The Importance of the Fighting Spirit

I’ve lived in Asia for over 10 years now, so I think that kind of makes me an expert on it. … Although one could argue that I’ve had a brain for over 40 years (some would dispute that), but that doesn’t make me a neuroscientist. Oh well. Anyway, the point is, my foreign perspective has given me some insights into Asian culture that the region’s own citizens don’t always see. And one of those insights is JUST WHAT A BUNCH OF FRIGGIN’ WIMPS EVERYONE Isjust kidding. But in all seriousness, there does seem to be a marked lack of … well … what I’d call “The Fighting Spirit.” A casual glance at statistics is enough to get an inkling of this. The region tends to have both the highest suicide rates and the lowest fertility rates in the world. Admittedly, the fertility problem could be due to environmental factors, or the desire to offset the high cost of living, but just go with me on this one. The area also tends to have a very low crime rate, and that’s a good thing of course! But keep in mind that one cause of crime rates is people fighting, and if you don’t have a fighting spirit, you surely won’t fight. And I see this in some of the schools I’ve worked at. During many years of teaching, I’ve only seen one very tiny scuffle the whole time. People I’ve talked to will claim that bullying in Asian schools actually is a significant problem, but I don’t know: when I was a kid, you’d see a few fights every year, as opposed to a one in about a decade. I suppose a lot of it nowadays takes place online, or more covertly, but we’re not going to get too deep into this subject. The point is, it’s less prevalent than in the West. Again, this might sound like a positive thing, especially from an American standpoint where we’ve had some kids walk in and shoot all their classmates; however, this lack of fighting spirit also extends itself to life effort. Forget what you’ve heard about how studious Asian students are: if a subject or an assignment is too difficult for them, they simply give up. I know, I know, we’ve all done that in school once or twice, too, but in my experience, it usually goes hand-in-hand with at least struggling to succeed: going to the teacher’s office, seeking help from tutors, and so on. With a lot of the instances I’ve seen, these kids give up before they even try. It’s hard to say why this is, but one theory I have is that it’s sort of a cycle: The low crime rate means students never learn the value of fighting and therefore never have their inner fire lit.

Compare this to my upbringing. I wouldn’t say I was bullied per se, but if I didn’t keep my head down, and didn’t follow the Rules of Being Cool, I’d probably end up with my underwear pulled so far up my butt crack it would require surgery to get it back out again. But I was an odd kid who really didn’t have anyone to rely on for guidance on how to act, not to mention a pretty nasty case of obsessive compulsive disorder (let me tell you that nervous ticks don’t exactly score you popularity points), and all of this led to a pretty frustrating youth. So that’s bad, but here’s the thing: I made it work for me. I let all my failures and embarrassments ignite a fire in me. Whenever someone made me feel like garbage or ashamed, I’d look back at it and say, “Never again.” And so I began to think of ways to better myself. Returning readers might know the spiel by now: I started lifting weights, and learning martial arts. I began to learn the value of strength, and persistence. And every time I failed at something: be it a karate tournament, a math test, or even level 6 in Castlevania (I mean, really: clock gears AND medusa heads? Come on!) I’d tap into that hatred of failure and use it to push me even harder. … This also led to a few broken Nintendo controllers, but I did end up beating level 6.

Now this isn’t to say you should expect to win all the time. Sometimes our pop culture misleads us a bit. We’re told that, when we’ve been beaten down, if we just try really hard, we’ll “go Super Saiyan” and end up finding the hidden strength to beat whatever challenges us. And I’ve found many times that sometimes I’ve been put up against a task, an opponent, or whatever, that I just can’t beat. But that doesn’t mean I throw in the towel.

Here’s the thing: at the end of the day, there’s only one person that can make you a loser. It’s not Tim, the school bully. It’s not Kelly, that girl who’s kind of hot, but mean. It’s not all the guys in your Jiu-jitsu class who can put you in a triangle choke despite all the training you’ve put in: Steve, Randy, John, Tyler, Jill, Josh, Peter, 9 year-old Gage … okay, let’s face it, Jiu-jitsu isn’t exactly your strong suit … anyway, the only person that can make you a loser is YOU. It’s totally possible that no matter how hard you try at something, you will fail. But it’s only when you stop trying, when you bend over and let life have its way with your backside, that you’ve become a loser. But if you give it your best shot and go down with a bullet in your chest and a cigar clenched in your teeth as your machine gun discharges its last few rounds into the sky, then guess what, buddy, you’re still a champ.

Let’s go back to Asia. Specifically, Korea. Korea celebrates a historical figure named Ahn Jung-keun. Without digging too deep into history, Ahn (as I understand it), in an attempt to stave of the Japanese annexation of Korea in the early 1900s, assassinated the prince, as well as several high-ranking Japanese officials. While he did succeed in his assassination attempt, he failed to stop Japan from taking over Korea, and he was later executed. So one could argue that he ultimately failed in his attempt. Without getting into politics and whether or not assassination attempts make one a freedom fighter or a terrorist, let’s just say that almost all Koreans still celebrate Ahn to this day. In other words, people don’t focus on whether he succeeded or failed, but rather how he fought.

Well, okay. That’s fine when it comes to assassinations, but how does that help you with math class, or your job? Let me demonstrate with an example from my own life.

When I was studying Arabic in the military, I began full of hope and vision. After all, I was good at English, so why wouldn’t I be good at other languages? … FAMOUS LAST WORDS. As time passed, I began to notice that other students in my class knew answers to questions that I couldn’t even guess at. And then I started failing tests … despite my best efforts! Little by little, the sickening realization that I sucked at Arabic began to dawn on me. This was particularly devastating, I might add, because, while I had become resigned to the fact that I wasn’t good at math, or sports, or talking to girls, or fixing things, or video games, or tying my shoes, or dressing myself in the morning … okay, I’m getting ridiculous here but you get the idea … I had at least always prided myself in my lexical abilities. And now it turned out I wasn’t even good at that. But the only thing I loathed more than myself at that moment was the concept of giving up. So I kept pushing ahead.

Now I should mention that the school’s policy was that, if a student failed two tests, he was removed from the foreign language program, effectively missing out on some pretty sweet pay bonuses. Well, guess what: I failed two. … But then my teachers took me aside, told me they liked my attitude, and let me try again. Long story short, I passed. Meanwhile, a few other students—who were actually better than I was—failed and got expelled from the program! In othe words, it was my attitude, my fighting spirit, that caused me to succeed where others more proficient than I had failed. So here’s the lesson: If you have that fighting spirit, even if you’re not the best and brightest, the world will make a way for you, because the world loves a fighter. But if you’re not going to fight at all, you can expect that no one will lament your absence because people have their own problems to worry about—they’re not going to bust their humps for someone who isn’t even going to make his own effort to succeed!

Of course there are always exceptions. Not everything is worth trying hard at! I’ve had jobs or udertaken hobbies that I’ve largely failed at and, for one reason or another, decided that they weren’t worth the effort, and so quit. There’s something to be said for knowing when to throw in the towel, and there are also times when, despite your attitude, you’ll just plain fail outright. But don’t ever let life grind you down. Don’t ever give up on improving yourself just because you think you’re a loser.

And there you have it. Don’t be surprised if you lose. The movies are wrong; sometimes the bad guys win. But when you do lose, don’t give it up. Use that failure to find your inner resolve and use it push ahead. And don’t be surprised if you fail again! And that’s okay, too. It only stops being okay once you completely give up, because there’ll always be people to help stoke your fire as long as it still burns.

When to conform and when not to: lessons from Korea

The South Korean flag, or Taegukki, draws its symbology from Taoism, and represents a harmony of a variety of forces. In the middle is a red and blue eum and yang  (yin and yang in Chinese) symbol, representing the blending of opposing forces, while four trigrams representing heaven and earth, and fire and water, decorate its corners. It shows us that, in order to function, a balance of forces must be maintained: Fire warms us and cooks our food, but too much and it will rage out of control.  Water can control the powers of fire, but too much, and flooding can occur.

…Okay, I confess, I’m making about half of this up. But it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Anyway, what is true is that a balance is needed in everything we do, and one of those regions is our own ego and individuality.

Most of us have heard the term “snowflake” when talking about those born in the ‘90s or later. For those not hip with the lingo, as my mom would say, it’s a pejorative that refers to the fact that young people tend to view themselves as the most important person in a given situation, highlighting various uniquenesses or eccentricities that make them deserving of special attention, be it a gluten sensitivity, introversion, or whatever. And while seems like the term “snowflake” is falling by the wayside, there is a bit of truth to be found in the concept: If we demand attention too much, it makes waves and causes us to be viewed as troublesome and entitled. On the other hand, if you don’t sometimes assert yourself, you won’t get the respect and attention that you need in order to flourish. So what we need to do, then, is find the right balance between conformity and individuality.

First of all, let’s talk about the important aspects of exerting our individuality. The benefits of this are pretty clear: It gets you the stuff you want. And this is important! During my formative years, I was sort of taught to put others before myself. Of course, this mindset definitely has its benefits. Why, it’s the main precept behind at least two of the world’s major religions (probably more) and arguably the foundation of the entire Western world. However, don’t forget that, while Jesus was helping lepers, he wasn’t afraid to make whips out of cords and beat the crap out of money changers when the situation demanded it. And if a fig tree didn’t provide him with fruit, well … let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be that fig tree!

In any case, remember that, while thinking of others is important, you have to take care of yourself, first. You know, I’ve taught English to Korean high school students, and one thing about the culture  is that there is heavy importance placed on how the individual fits into the community. In school, students are often afraid of asking questions, and part of this is because, I believe, they’re told it slows down class flow for other students. I’ve tried to break them of this habit and tell them that, when it comes to learning, they have to put themselves first, and if that means stopping class until they understand a concept, then so be it. Of course, Koreans refuse to listen to the advice of anyone who doesn’t fit into their immediate worldview (a drawback of their community-oriented mentality), so of course it goes unheeded, but you get the idea.

And that philosophy can be applied in many areas of our lives: friendships, sports competitions, and more. In a story in this article, I mention that it’s okay to win sometimes, and in this one, I mention that, when it comes to friends, you shouldn’t be afraid to give of yourself, but should also know when your efforts aren’t going to be reciprocated. Never be afraid to self advocate and get what you can in order to make sure Number 1 is taken care. Because if you don’t, no one else will.

But I feel like most westerners are pretty good at this. In fact, I’d argue that one of the secrets to the West’s success is our tendency to value the individual. Not beholden to any crown or sovereign, each man or woman is free to live out their life as they see fit. It’s led to innovations and successes. And … also a higher crime rate than our Eastern counterparts. You see, on one hand, East Asia’s community-centered outlook can, at times, dampen individuality and creativity, but at the same time, it fosters a culture where crime is much, much lower than in the West. There’s definitely something we can learn from that, and I can think of several examples where tempering our Western individuality with a little bit of Eastern mentality can help quite a bit.

One thing I see a lot of Westerners who come to Asia have trouble with is getting along with their Eastern co-workers. In America, we have a very storied history regarding workers’ rights, unions, and the like. It’s really given us an “us vs. them” mentality when it comes to employers, and we really feel like we have to fight tooth and nail anytime we have a disagreement (and again, there are times to do this, which I’ll get to in a bit). Sometimes I’ve had to go to faculty meetings at my school. The fact I had to go to these was ridiculous: I didn’t speak Korean well enough to understand what was going on, and it was a complete waste of my time. However, I also realized that putting up a big fuss wasn’t going to get me any points. I’m not special just because I’m from another country (well … actually that kind of does make me special, but sometimes part of being special is pretending you’re not), and asking for special permission to get out of those meetings would have made me seem like an entitled prima donna. So I’d go. In other instances, I was required to participate in faculty dinners, where all the teachers went out for barbecue and drinks. It’s pretty boring just sitting around for hours with everyone else speaking in a different language and getting drunk, but again, refusing to participate likely wouldn’t have gotten me any points with my co-workers, so I managed to find it within myself to suffer through a few hours of eating literal pounds of delicious, grilled meat for free.

On the other hand, if you ask anyone who’s ever taught in Korea, you’ll know that sometimes Koreans will sometimes try to screw over their migrant counterparts. This gets into one of the darker aspects of a more community-centered culture, in that subordinates or customers are often hoodwinked, since they’re unlikely to complain. So again, we see where balance is needed. I’ve always been cool with going to meetings, or getting free pork, but I make it clear I’m not going to work extra hours without extra pay. There are certain places where I draw the line, and my money and time is one of them. And to this end, there are certain norms that I’ve subtly and intentionally violated in order to put myself outside the culture. An example is that many teachers (not all) wear slippers in the school. This is optional (unlike wearing them in the house, which is a big taboo), but I’ve sort of ignored this tradition, because it also keeps me apart from a culture where individuals are sometimes expected to stay after their shifts without extra pay. Again, it’s important to know when and where to assert your individuality. When it comes to the company dinners, described above, Koreans have a drinking culture (with certain traditions, such as exchanging drinks with senior team members) which leads to unhealthy levels of alcohol consumption. I usually politely decline participation in this sort of thing.

Another domain in Asia where some foreigners’ individuality gets them in trouble is food. First of all, a person has every right to make a fuss if eating something violates his ethics or health. A good example is the alcohol described above. On the other hand, there are some things I just don’t like to eat. Whole shellfish is one. There’s just a whole lot of weird stuff going on in there, and I’m pretty sure some of it is clam poop. But I also know that if I refuse to eat shellfish any time my wife’s family wants to eat it, it won’t endear me to them very much. In fact—look, I’ll be honest—Korean food really isn’t my favorite. In fact, it’s probably my least favorite food overall. Don’t tell my family or my Korean friends that—they’re really proud of their culture’s cuisine, and there are some ridiculously good foods in the culture, but overall, there’s a lot I don’t like—but imagine if I refused to eat everything that didn’t agree with me. That would be insulting. And so, I’ve eaten a lot of clam poop. Also fish guts, head cheese, and chicken feet. The trick is to take a big gulp of soda then swallow it. Anyway, it’s won me big points with my mother-in-law who admires my open mindedness to foreign food.

So for our conclusion, let’s take a break from Korea, and instead go to Hong Kong. Or, actually America, since we’re talking about Bruce Lee, who was originally from Hong Kong, but moved to America. Okay, you know what? This is turning into a really awkward segue. In any case, Lee famously advised people to be like water: to go with the flow, and be adaptable. You should do likewise: adapt to the circumstances around you, and don’t make waves. It’ll help insure your way through life and society flows smoothly. But also realize there are times when you need to be like fire, to burn brightly and draw the attention of those around you. Know when to be what.

Being Viewed with More Respect

You know, my momma used to tell me, “Don’t worry about what other people think of you.”
… … …
Boy, did she ever miss the boat, there. Look, there were some good points to her advice: Sometimes you just gotta do your thing and not worry about what all the simpletons think. But the bottom line is, how people regard you is a very important aspect of your success. If people don’t respect you, if they can’t stand having you around, you’re not going to get invited to parties, you’re not going to get as many job opportunities, and you’re not going to meet as many girls. Furthermore, and perhaps even more importantly, being respected means people will listen to your opinions. … That is, if your opinions have a modicum of sanity to them. And that is a big deal. If you have the right opinions, the respect people have for you can also give them respect for your opinions, and this can help you be the change you want to see in the world.

Now let’s not get too full of self importance, here: These days, most people are in no mood to listen to anyone’s opinions if they’re different from their own BUT … it doesn’t hurt to try a little, right? In any case, being respected is important not only for your personal well-being, but in helping you make the world into a place you want to live.

Now, full disclosure: I’m not exactly the life of the party. People are never like, “Oh he’s going to be there? Hell, yeah!” Well, my close friends have actually said that, but they’re close friends. On the other hand, I can say that I’m almost universally tolerated anywhere I go, and I think there’s something to be said for that. This has also put me in positions where I’ve been on the other side of those guys no one likes: I’ve been in situations where I’ve been invited to events secretly, with the hope that “that one guy” doesn’t find out, because no one likes him. And that’s a subject for another day. But anyway, my point is, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to be the guy who gets invited places, and how not to be the guy who gets secretly left in the dark.

Before we start, a reality check

Chances are, if you’re seeking help on this issue, you might have a long, difficult path ahead of you. You see, in my experience, I’ve discovered that, like many things in life (be it sports, math, attracting girls, or even getting jobs) people either tend to have a natural knack for it (in which case they don’t need help) or have a real handicap with it (in which case even loads of help might not … well, help.) So if you’re one of those guys who has made honest, concerted steps to improve his charisma but still aren’t meeting with results, you might just be one of those people for whom commanding respect doesn’t come easily.

In this article, I mentioned that, no matter how worthwhile you might be, sometimes people just aren’t going to like you. And, at the risk of repeating myself, it might be something you can remedy (more on that later) but, other times you might just have been dealt a bum hand in life. That might seem like an almost superstitious outlook on things—you were born under a bad sign, etc.—but I think there really is some truth to it. Some guys just aren’t as likeable as others. Also, I think a good portion of it is that there are many, many idiots out there, as well. Hey—keep in mind that when the French impressionist painters had their first exhibitions, they were almost universally hated. Popular opinion isn’t always a good indicator of doing things right.

But all speculation aside (my momma told me that you get hairy palms if you speculate too much … or was that something else?), here’s a little ray of hope: While you might not exactly have the persuasiveness of Charles Manson … wait, bad example. … While you might not exactly have the persuasiveness of, um … someone as convincing as Charles Manson, but who isn’t Charles Manson, there are steps you can take to at least take yourself from “Oh geez, that guy’s going to be there?” to “Oh, that guy’s going to be there. Okay.” And that’s a pretty big step up. Let’s look at some of them.

Take care of your appearance

It’s a reality that we don’t like to think about, but appearance does play a role in how people treat you. And even in the 21^st century, where you can wear crocs around town without being ridiculed more than Christopher Columbus at a Flat Earth Society meeting, it still plays a role and, like it or not, people will  (at least subconsciously) judge your worth based on your appearance. The good news is that you have quite a bit of control over it! And it doesn’t require a whole lot of effort (you don’t need to buy your socks from Gucci) to be able to put forth a respectable veneer. Just make sure you’re taking care of your hygiene and not dressing like a clown, and you should be in good shape.

Work out

This is actually along the same lines as number 1, but I figured I’d give it its own treatment because it kind of deserves it, but also because it kind of makes this article look bigger than it actually is. (My wife says I’m great at making things appear bigger than they actually are.) Anyway, making sure you’re in good shape makes you more attractive, improves your confidence, and makes you more credible. Yes, you can be out of shape and still have credibility (think the late Stephen Hawking), but most of us aren’t blessed with the smarts or charisma to have that luxury. 1 hour per session, 3 sessions per week, and people will respect you more.

Think like Tom Cruise

Okay, here’s where we get into the tough stuff. I often find myself in the presence of guys who have personalities that come off as just really odd and offputting. And the variety of dysfunctions here runs a pretty broad spectrum, from simple things, such as having a slack jaw while listening, to more interactional (spell check says that isn’t a word) problems, like being a poor conversationalist. And that means diagnosing and solving such problems can be a pretty difficult quest. Basically, though, the crux of it is viewing yourself from the outside and really asking yourself if there are any aspects to your mannerisms or personality that might be offputting to someone else. Think carefully: when you talk do you sound like Mandark from “Dexter’s Laboratory”? (Some people remember that show.) Do you have a habit of picking at your face? Do you bore people with your talk about Dungeons and Dragons?

Again, there are countless mistakes you might be making, and any one of them could probably justify their own article, but the bottom line here is to just think carefully how other people might see you.

I know I have a sort of habit of chewing on my lip, and I also overprounce my R’s. Like, when I say the word “tiger,” it comes out “tyygerrr.” I haven’t totally been able to quash those things, but I’m working on it. Other guys sort of suck spit through their teeth when they talk, or have overly nasal inflections. Again, difficult to notice on your own, and also difficult to fix, but something to keep in mind.

One tip that I like to abide by is pretend you’re Tom Cruise. While he’s not exactly the heartthrob he was years ago, there’s just a certain charisma about him: the way he holds conversations, his body posture, his smile.

… This is starting to sound like I have a weird sort of crush on him. … Guilty as charged.

Anyway, us normal guys can’t hope to have the level of charisma of Tom Cruise, but sort of keep it in mind. You want to have his level of confident energy and voice inflection. Watch some videos of him and give it a try.

Don’t think like Tom Cruise

Some of you might remember a particularly noteworthy video from way back in the early 2000s when Tom Cruise went on Oprah. He was in a particularly good mood that day, and jumped around on Oprah’s couch. Or something. Actually, from what I recall, it was really only mildly quirky at best, but people lost their minds over it and the moment still lives on in infamy to this day. Anyway, what’s to be learned from the infamous Couch Debacle? Keep your energy level positive, but restrained. If you overdo it with your energy, it makes you seem weird. You’ll seem like Mr. Happy the kids’ TV show host, who maybe lures children from his show into his basement when the cameras are off … or some such. Basically, be charming, but reserved.

Now, there are exceptions. Certain types of people can actually pull of having lots of energy. Robin Williams, who struggled with both a manic-depressive personality and cocaine addiction, had a frenetic and high-energy sense of humor that pretty much revolutionized the comedy world. However, this required a very specific set of three things (manic depression, cocaine, and being Robin Williams) two of which, on their own, are extremely hazardous. Other kinds of people for whom high energy can be wielded effectively happen to be … uh, from a more … urban … culture …

I’m talking about black people, okay? There, I said it. Anyway, I’m not here to analyze racial attitudes within North America, I’m just here to tell you the facts. Whatever the case, if you happen to be of the African American ethnicity, higher energy might be more socially acceptable and attractive from you than it would be for Whitey in a Sweater Vest. Also, Americans with a more folksy, rural attitude can often pull of high energy a bit better. If you’re a real tried-and-true country boy, you might be able to radiate charisma more effectively than a New York stockbroker can. I’m neither black, nor a cowboy, so I tend to keep my energy a bit more low key.

Be nice … but not too nice

I’ve talked about this a little before, maybe. Likely as it relates to women. However, it applies in a lot of general instances, too. Anyway, the subject heading might be a bit discouraging, but let me explain. Of course it’s good to be nice. It helps develop strong relationships. However, if you overdo it, it makes people distrustful of you. They might think you want something. And even if they don’t, it’ll sort of make them feel indebted to you, and people hate feeling dependent on others … well, as a general rule.

Let me share a case study with you. I have two friends, Alan and John. Alan is extremely likeable, and also nice. He follows all of the above rules. He also invites people to his house, throws parties, sometimes—he never makes people pay for the pizza, though he won’t fight you if you insist on chipping in—and seldom gets angry. John is similarly nice, but he has a couple of flaws that sort of rub people the wrong way. First of all, he doesn’t exactly have the proper grasp on humor and, while a nice guy, occasionally makes an off-color remark or uses some profanity that really isn’t suited to his personality or the situation. And second, he’s a bit too nice. For example, he’ll order a pizza then order one for you and pay for it. Which is cool but … it sort of puts people on edge. The better thing to do would be to ask if someone else wanted a pizza, but then simply not ask for payment unless the person offers, then say, “Nah it’s fine, I got it.” And then, if the other guy offers again, take the money. As it is, though, John will order you a pizza even if you tell him you don’t want one. And this really grinds people’s gears. What’s more, pizza isn’t the only domain in which he acts this way. He does it with offering rides (and he’s a cartoonishly bad driver, by the way, who listens to kind of offensive music while he has other passengers in the car.)

So, even though John’s heart is in the right place, it has a counterproductive effect. This will end up making potential friends irritated or mistrustful, and attract those who wish to capitalize on his goodwill my manipulating him. So always be nice, but know where to draw the line.

Treading water in a turbulent social sea

And that’s a quick rundown of what I think are the keys to, if not being popular with peers, at least not being the weird guy who doesn’t get invited to stuff. Of course, any one of those tips only scratches the surface, but it’s enough to get you thinking about areas in which you could improve if you feel like you’re not being viewed with the respect you deserve. Sometimes our acceptance by others hinges on our ability to view ourselves from the outside.

Being realistic with yourself about stress and conflict

Okay, maybe not the catchiest title. And maybe this isn’t the most well-written article, either. I’ve got some other projects going at the moment, but this thought suddenly struck me, and I figured I’d take a minute and write it down before I forgot. So apologies if this article is a bit shoddy.

Anyway, as a kid, I was always interested in tough guy stuff: Schwarzenegger movies, barbarians, guns, knives, stuff like that. And so I thought that, maybe, I’d want some kind of job with lots of action. Maybe being a crime fighter. So I studied criminal justice when I went into college. And then, when that didn’t really pan out, I entered the military. I could have chosen to be in their broadcasting department, or being a part of their aircrew. I figured the aircrew job would be more action-packed and have more chance for glory, so I chose that. (It turned out, due to some administrative issues, I pretty much just ended up filing paperwork and doing gate security. That’s a story for another day.) But here’s the thing: While I was enchanted with the idea of action and manliness, at the same time, I was also (and still am) very much a creature of comfort who really feels distressed at unfamiliar routines. I also hate conflict: My heart goes a million miles a minute, when I get in an argument. I should have realized this early on and chosen different career paths.

Now, there are two opposing philosophies in life. One of them espouses that we are masters of our own destiny, that we can forge ourselves into whatever form we wish. That’s often the sort of philosophy I like to promote in my posts, because it encourages people to try to be the best they can be. But there’s also another outlook: that the leopard can’t change his spots, and sometimes people will be the way they are—that to go against one’s nature is to be as productive as a fish trying to breathe air. And you know what? As much as I dislike admitting it, sometimes this is true as well.

My mistake was believing too much in only the first of the above philosophies. Again, as a general rule, you want to go by the philosophy that tells you that you are who you choose to be. Shoot for the moon, take on those challenges. But … be realistic about it. You see, for me to seek out jobs with lots of potential conflict—be it irate citizens yelling at you because you’re making them take a detour to avoid a traffic accident and now they’ll be late to tennis lessons, or being shot at by mortar rounds, I was ill-equipped to deal with such jobs. Yes, due to my sense of perseverance, I could probably do them … and some fish can breathe air, but it certainly isn’t comfortable for them, and they can’t keep it up for long without a lot of stress and unhappiness. I should have taken a good, honest look at myself and known this.

So if you’re like me, and really don’t thrive in stressful situations, be realistic with yourself. Maybe you’re not cut out to be John McClane. And that’s okay. However, there a couple of things you should do.

First, keep your manliness in mind. You can still be a badass even when working a desk job. Sure, you might sweat like a fruit bat in a Wuhan wet market during times of conflict, but you can still learn to stand up for what’s right when the situation demands it, and carry out all aspects of your life with integrity, responsibility, and respect for your fellow man. Second, know that, while the chances that you’ll ever end up in an emergency situation are extremely rare, you can do your best to prepare yourself if the situation arises. You do this by cultivating self-confidence and capability. Develop your leadership skills, your physical fitness, and your mind. This is important because, if things really do go to hell in a hand basket, someone who feels small and unconfident will be much less effective. But if you feel like you have something to offer in such a situation, you’re much more likely to be able to function. Of course, how to develop that self-confidence is another matter in and of itself, and best discussed another day.

So the bottom line to all of this? Know your limits when it comes to stress and be realistic about it. If you happen to be one of those who doesn’t handle it well, that’s okay. Don’t push yourself unnecessarily, but at that the same time, steel yourself for when the heat is on.

TFTW: Don’t be a Sucker

Once again on Tales from the War, an excerpt from the life of Andy, who just can’t catch a break when it comes to the ladies—though he probably could if he lost some weight. In any case, this story finds us at Andy’s place of employment, Mediocrity, Inc., where a new woman named Kelli has begun working. Of course, this has not escaped the notice of the perpetually lonely Andy, who desperate for companionship, immediately throws himself supine in her friend zone. Now, let’s go back to when I first became aware of this situation, mainly because I’m tired of speaking in present tense.

Andy informed me that Kelli was in a particularly toxic relationship with her live-in boyfriend (which I can only imagine involved arguments about whose turn it was to clean up all the roach-infested empty pizza boxes off the trailer floor), and had decided to move out. Apparently, she had been having trouble for some time, and Andy had, of course, decided to lend a compassionate ear. Now, let’s not give Andy too much sympathy here. If he had’t been lonely, and if Kelli hadn’t had a vagina, I don’t think he would have given a rat’s ass. Why, our mutual good friend, Tom’s, twenty-something brother suddenly died a few years back, and Andy decided to forego the funeral because “He didn’t know what to say.” Yikes. That’s only one step away from standing on the casket and grabbing your crotch while giving the middle finger to the attendees, then stealing the cheese platter on your way out. So it’s not like Andy is a saint, and perhaps you could even argue that when he finds himself in bad relationships, he deserves it, because deep down, I don’t think he’s really sincere. But I’m getting ahead of myself. In any case, Andy had even expressed some concern that he might get targeted by Kelli’s (current? Ex?) boyfriend for possibly encouraging her to leave him, which, thankfully, he wasn’t.

Now, during this time, I advised Andy to forget the whole thing and leave Kelli to deal with her own problems. To some, that might seem like a very heartless attitude to have, but having known Andy for almost twenty years now, as well as the kind of women he encounters (blood-sucking harpies), I was pretty sure this was solid advice. Reserve your judgment for the end of the story.

Well, of course Andy didn’t take my advice. If Andy had a habit of taking my advice, he’d be at least twenty pounds thinner, and also better friends with Tom, who wouldn’t harbor resentment at Andy for skipping out on his brother’s funeral, but whatever. In any case, you can guess what eventually happened: Kelli ended up living at Andy’s place. And of course, Andy was getting zero romance out of this deal.

Again, that might sound like a very pragmatic (read: douchey) thing for me to say, but think about this: if you were a guy in Kelli’s shoes … well, you’d get made fun of for wearing high heels, ah HA HA! But seriously, if you were in her shoes: you left your toxic (I’m giving Kelli the benefit of the doubt here) girlfriend, needed a place to stay, and Tammy the Mouth Breather offered you a place … would you take it? Probably not, because you’d be afraid that there would be some kind of expectation of romance, and things could easily go sour faster than a carton of expired milk under a heat lamp. So you’d probably find a buddy to stay with, offering to pay him some rent, right? Okay, so Kelli was new in town, and maybe Andy was the only place she knew to go to, right? Well, no. See, sometimes Andy’s bad luck actually turns out to be good luck and, due to his cat (and Kelli’s accompanying allergies), Kelli ended up moving out … and into a female friend’s apartment. And did I mention she never offered to pay Andy for rent? Hmmm.

But wait. There’s more!

At some point after moving out, Kelli sent a text to Andy saying that she was “a little short on money,” and was wondering if Andy could lend her $1,000.
A thousand dollars! That’s not “a little short,” that’s Warwick Davis using the miniaturizer from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids short! Well, Andy tends not to be too bright at resisting manipulation attempts, but once in a rare while my advice does break through that thick skull of his, and he refused her. I guess she replied with a sarcastic “thanks,” and that was pretty much the last he ever heard from her. So after all his help, that was it. No “thanks for all your support,” no gift card to Golden Corral … nada.

But wait! There’s more!

Keep in mind I found all this out from Andy. He told me that, things sort having fallen apart for Kelli in his town, her son came from his home state to help her move back home. Yes, you read that right, and the question you’re asking now is the same one I did. “Her son? Helped her … move???” Yep. She had a grown son. Which makes me wonder: just how old is this lady? Should she even still be working? Shouldn’t she be enjoying the golden years, sitting at home in a rocking chair with a blanket spread across her lap and watching old reruns of American Pickers? Now, Andy is no spring chicken himself, but not old enough to have a grown son! Anyway, he went on to tell me that she was a big fan of going to raves.

Raves? What is this, the early 2000s still? Don’t forget to pick up a pair of JNCOs from Hot Topic before you go. Also, how sad is that? A grown woman (at least) in her forties (and that estimate is more generous than Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Day after winning the Powerball jackpot) still going to raves? No aging gracefully here, folks. Also, according to Andy, they’re quite expensive raves, as well. And if she can afford that, she certainly doesn’t need to borrow (I’ll say it again) a thousand dollars! … Actually maybe that’s what the thousand dollars was for. Money well spent. Anyway, apparently after all this was said and done, a female co-worker whom Andy knows told him she and Kelli had a conversation, in which the topic of Andy came up. Kelli apparently labelled Andy as “too old” for a relationship, and was interested in someone in their twenties. Now, my initial response would be: keep dreaming, Gramma. But unfortunately, we live in a time when men feel like they have to take anything with boobs that walks their way, so she probably does manage to get some action for those flabby, flaccid butt cheeks of hers.

But I’m getting off topic. So what is the lesson of this whole story? Well, first of all, I believe that sometimes victim shaming isn’t totally out of line, and a good portion of this was Andy’s fault. You see, Andy has very little sense of self worth. He seems to think that he has so little to offer people, that he has to go out of his way to be as generous as possible … well, unless it comes to people who really care about him, like Tom. Anyway, the bottom line, though, is that he doesn’t have respect for himself, so other people certainly won’t either. Any decent woman most likely won’t want to involve herself with someone who has no self respect, while, on the other hand, the women that will are going to be ones who see it as an opportunity to walk all over him and manipulate him. How is that his fault, you ask? Well, at the end of the day, Andy takes no steps towards bettering himself. He doesn’t exercise, nor does he attempt to learn new skills. In the few rare instances he does manage to get fed up enough with his situation to do so, he always finds excuses to quit. Instead of cultivating relationships with people who care about him, he finds excuses to cancel on them and go to strip clubs. Ultimately, he’s a weak-willed person, but embraces it, because it’s easier than jogging for twenty minutes a day apparently. Now, as I think I’ve pointed out before, self improvement isn’t a silver bullet to all your problems. Sometimes you can do all the right things, but still end up failing. However, if you don’t try at all, you most certainly will fail.

The second thing Andy did wrong was that he wasn’t bright enough to know he was setting himself up for being used. Here’s a good guideline: whenever you do a favor for a gal you’re sweet on, ask yourself: would I do this for a dude? If not, you’re probably being taken for a sucker. Of course, there are plenty of exceptions to this. For example, when I was single, if I had met a reasonably attractive, reasonably sane girl at a party, I would most likely ask for her number, take her out for dinner later, and get the bill. This is because I was seeking a relationship. Now, if I had met a guy of the same caliber, I’d probably think he was cool, but most likely wouldn’t set up a time during the week to hang out, nor would I buy him dinner. But … maybe if he were really cool, I could see myself going out for some kebabs or something, and maybe spotting him a few bucks just to be a buddy. But probably not, because he’s not potential spouse material. But let’s look at Andy’s situation: if some new guy at work were breaking up with his girlfriend and needed a place to stay, would I take him in to my home? No! I mean, sure, that’s too bad for that guy, but that’s the sort of thing I’d only do for a close friend, not some schlub off the street. Sorry, Steve, but I’m not running a charity, here! And you know, I swear Andy must have a sign on his head only women can see that says, “Please tell me about your periods.” For some reason, women always disclose information to him about their monthly cycles. That is so weird. And again, it’s probably not a good sign—I mean, you could argue that it’s a sign they feel comfortable with him—but a woman feeling comfortable with you isn’t always a good sign. Because if they feel too comfortable, it means they have little regard for your opinion of them. I’m sure Kelli felt comfortable asking Andy for $1,000. She probably wouldn’t do that to someone she respected and felt less comfortable asking. Anyway, here’s my point—if a guy were to talk to him about … well, guys don’t have periods, do they. I guess the closest I can come would be if a guy were to suddenly start talking to Andy about his bowel movements: what time of the day he usually goes, how they smell … Andy would tell him to get lost. It is true that sometimes guys who are close friends talk about this sort of thing, but if it were some putz that he just occasionally sees at the bar? He’d probably move to another seat. If some guy you didn’t know that well asked you for money, would you give it to him? No. So you shouldn’t do that for a girl you don’t know either. Ever.

So always be on the lookout for people like Kelli. Cultivate yourself and nourish your sense of self worth. When a girl asks you for a favor, think about if this is a legitimate request or if you’re allowing yourself to be duped. Think more with your brain (and wallet) and less with your heart.

TFTW: Dignity and Empty Sacks

In Star Trek, the Ferengi are a crass race of traders who value money above all else. They have a saying: “Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.” Of course, we laugh because, while dignity very seldom has monetary worth, its intrinsic value is extremely high. But this is all lost on the money-obsessed Ferengi.

Very often this adage applies to the world of dating, and so often I see men acting like the Ferengi, but, instead of involving money, the situation involves women, and I see a lot of guys who end up losing both their dignity and their sacks. So in this case study of Tales From the War, I’m going to give you examples of times when I could have lost my dignity but decided to keep it, why it’s important in the first place, and why the Ferengi are wrong. And you won’t be disappointed; I will make intermittent jokes about sacks, because I have the sense of humor of a middle school student.

Case 1: Jill

I met Jill at a party. I had been talking to some guy, and he knew her. I think he referred to her as a friend of his or something. Anyway, I got talking to Jill, and not only was she really hot, but she could hold a decent conversation and seemed like an all-around pleasant girl. Being the smooth (or lucky) operator that I am, I got her number and set up a date with her for sushi.

Overall the date went pretty well, but unfortunately, I wasn’t totally successful in setting up a second one. Of course, it occurred to me that I might have messed up, but I was still maintaining contact with her, so all wasn’t lost.

Some time later I was at another party, and the same guy from before was there. Jill came up in conversation, and, while I don’t remember the exact words, he made a comment that made me think he, too, had been on a few dates with her, which was a bit surprising, since I thought he was just a friend of hers. Maybe a little more than a friend. In any case, this got under my skin a bit, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. I mean, it’s not like she was my girlfriend or anything, and I certainly wasn’t fixated solely on her, either. Anyway, Jill messaged me a few times and mentioned that she and a girlfriend of hers were on the way to the same party.

I don’t remember what happened to the guy I was talking to earlier (it could have been another party altogether, as far as I know), but I do remember the two girls showed up, and I remember they were both looking good. I ended up at a table chatting a bit with the two of them, which made me pleased as punch, but I soon noticed that they weren’t too interested in me. Jill talked with me a bit, but her friend, I noticed, was looking around the room. Most likely she was on the hunt for guys. Well, after what could have been no more than 20 minutes, Jill bade me goodbye and the two of them left for greener pastures, I guess. Now I was irritated. Hey, I guess I’m not the most interesting person in the world, but that made me feel like a total loser.

I can’t remember what happened after that, but to make a long story short, I eventually came to realize that I was a plan B on Jill’s list. . . . Actually “plan B” might be a bit generous. I was probably more like a plan M or something. In any case, I eventually gave up on ol’ Jill.

But the story doesn’t end there. A year or two later, she got back in touch with me and wanted to meet up.

So, whenever this happens, a guy has to think carefully. On one hand, I kind of felt like, in the past, she sort of put me on a shelf (does that metaphor make sense?) and left me to gather dust. But on the other hand, she never really did anything BAD to me, and also, she was really hot. So I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and meet up with her.

Well, the little date we had went pretty okay. I even broke the touch barrier at one point. She had also had a moderately decent amount of alcohol. In any case, the night ended, and we said our goodbyes. A little while after that, during our post-date texting, she mentioned something about dating. I think it was something to the effect of “I think you might be the kind of guy I’m looking for,” or something like that.

Now, in this situation, I was cautious. You see, as I mentioned earlier, I was pretty sure that, years ago, she sort of sidelined me in favor of a bigger fish (dang it, I’m screwing up my metaphors again). So this was a bit of a warning sign for me. Yes, it was possible that maybe she had suddenly realized what a catch I was, but I’m a little more realistically minded to believe that a simple walk around town, a few beers, and an arm around the shoulder was enough to convince her that I was better than some handsome rich guy which she could probably easily have acquired. Also, it’s my opinion that we men should not appear too eager to jump at the opportunity to date women—especially when it’s one who sidelined us in the past—as this makes us seem desperate, and therefore easy to manipulate. It sets a bad precedent and starts a relationship off on the wrong foot. Now, it’s possible that Jill really was a sweet girl, but I was very cautious about seeming too accessible. So I decided to play the game that women, on occasion, play with men. I told her I needed to consider it for a bit.

Oh—did I also mention that she had had a few beers? She wasn’t outright drunk, but it was obvious the drinks did have an effect on her. This was another reason I was being hesitant.

In any case, her response was generally good-natured. Something like “Okay, haha.” I forget, exactly. . . . Aaaand I also forget what happened after that. I do know that was the last time I saw Jill. I think I was kind of waiting for her to bring it up again. Perhaps a bit of a power play on my behalf, but again, I wasn’t about to make myself look too desperate. I think I felt like, since she had been the one to initially suggest it, it was up to her to bring it up again. I don’t really remember. In any case, things sort of fizzled, and I didn’t hear back from her again for another couple of years, when I was dating the woman who would later become my wife. So at this point, I generally answered her “what’s up?” questions politely, but made no effort to further the conversation. And that was that.

Were my decisions good? Like in most of these articles, it’s hard to say, but I’m convinced it was. Maybe I’m wrong, but at the end of the day, I just felt like I was a second-string player in her dating game, and in such instances, it’s usually best to follow your instincts.

So I failed with Jill, but I still had my sack.

Case 2: Let Me Give You Lessons in Kissing My Ass

Now let’s move on to a more black-and-white case. Zayna.

I had met Zayna at . . . you guessed it, a party (I met a lot of girls at parties, but depending on when, where, and how, you might or might not have the same experiences I did,) and, like Jill, we had some pleasant conversation, I like to think I was at least a bit funny, and I got her number.

Well, we stayed in touch via text, but every time I tried to set up a date, she was always busy.

So, unlike Jill, where I at least I was able to set up one or two dates, I never succeeded with Zayna. And this became a sign to me that she wasn’t interested. No problem, I’m not everyone’s cup of hot, steamy, tea, and I figured it was her loss, so I just stopped messaging her. Many months, later, (or maybe even longer, I can’t quite remember) she messaged me. She was studying for an English test and wanted my help.

I was about to look in the mirror to see if I had “sucker” tattooed on my forehead, then realized that it didn’t matter because we were communicating via text and she couldn’t see my head anyway.

Now, Zayna, like Jill, was pretty damn hot, but I knew when I was being used. So I replied by telling her that my rate for private lessons was about 40 bucks an hour (which was the going rate in that market at that time.) She replied by saying something like “I was thinking about just buying you dinner, lol.” Also, I should point out that she lived kind of far, and was expecting me to travel to her. Nope.

Again, I don’t remember precisely what I messaged back, but I think it was something like “Sorry, that’s a bit too far for me to travel,” or something like that. In any case, that was the last I heard from Zayna.

Sorry, I know when I’m being used.

Case 3: I’m Too Old, but You’re Too Dumb

Another similar story comes from . . . I don’t even remember her name. We’ll call her “Girl McBoobchest.” Anyway, I met Girl via the magical, marvelous internet. We never actually even met up. I think she was in her mid-twenties at the time, and I was in my mid-thirties. Things were going well, but then when she found out my age she said that I was “too old.” . . . Geez. I mean, I guess it was about a 10-year age difference, but I wasn’t exactly a senior citizen, here. Hell, I wasn’t even as old as Arnold when he starred in Predator. Cut me some slack, lady. In any case, I brushed her off with a “whatever,” (or something like that; I don’t quite remember,) and that was that.

Many months after that, I got a message from her wanting . . . you guessed it . . . some help with her English. I think her message was something like “Hey, I’ve got an emergency English problem I need help with.” It must have been for a report or something.

To quote Mr. Burns, “Eeeeexcellent . . .”

Now, I fully remembered this girl. Fully. But I’ve never been one to be above a little bit of lying when it suits me. So I replied, “Do I know you?” Her reply: “You don’t remember me? Lol.” Mine: “No, I don’t. Which means I have no reason to give you any help. I’m blocking you.” Aaaand I blocked her.

Girl wasn’t getting her hands on my sack.

Story 4: You can take the 810 bus to F*#@koffton

Speaking of age differences, this next woman was about 10 years MY senior at the time, but pretty sexy. So we’ll call her “Ethel.” Anyway, I had arranged a date with Ethel. The day of the date, she canceled on me. I don’t remember the exact reason, but as a general rule, that should end the deal right there. Typically unspecified cancellations happen when a woman has you as her backup plan, but a better (at least, in her misguided point of view) prospect comes along, at which point she promptly dumps you in favor of the other guy. It’s super crappy, and you shouldn’t do this with women you date, either. A promise is a promise, and they put that time aside for you. That being said, I’m not one to assume the worst right away, so I gave her a pass and rescheduled with her.

The next week, I had finished work, and gotten on the bus to go see her. While I was on the bus, she messaged me again, wanting to reschedule a second time. I told her no, the date was off, and that was that. At this point, she pleaded with me to reconsider, and even offered to keep her appointment with me for that day. In a way, that was even worse, because it meant that whatever she had planned (most likely meeting some other dumbass) wasn’t so important that she had to cancel with me. Well, she should have thought of that earlier. See yuh, granny. You should have jumped at the chance to date this strapping, young buck.

Story 5: Sometimes it’s Okay to Give a Woman Your Sack

Now, in general, you want to have your limits. Look, nowadays, girlfriends aren’t exactly easy to come by, but that doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards for yourself. However, sometimes it does pay to be a bit forgiving. Here’s one example.

I had been chatting with Kara for a couple of weeks. She was a freelancer, and had a very erratic schedule due to the need to comply with her clients’ timetables. Now, as seen above, my usual policy is “one strike and you’re out,” but somehow she seemed sincere. Don’t ask me why, she just did. Now, the other side of that coin was that, even if she was sincere, the fact that she had such a schedule to begin with didn’t bode well. I mean, I get that she had to put her career as a top priority, but I didn’t relish the thought of having a relationship with a woman who was such a time complication. At point I did sort of draw the line and tell her “no thanks,” but she must have been pretty convincing, and, long story short, I did end up meeting her. And . . . she was absolutely ready to handle my sack that very night. She made that quite clear. I had to leave her a bit disappointed in that sense, but I went on a few subsequent dates with her after that, and it seemed like I could have forged a relationship with her, had I wanted, but at the end of the day, her personality just didn’t mesh with mine.

Anyway, the lesson here is that sometimes giving a little leeway can have payoffs, so think carefully.

Final Thoughts

But are the Ferengi right? Is dignity and an empty sack worth only the sack? Why is this all important?

First of all, because you shouldn’t let anyone bully you. And this is, in a way, a form of bullying. . . . Okay, maybe it’s a bit different. Bullying usually involves one guy making another feel like crap so as to elevate his own position. In the cases above, it was a woman simply prioritizing other things over me . . . but at cost to myself. You and I both deserve respect, and the moment people end up treating us with less respect than we deserve, we need to stand up to that. If we don’t, we start to lose respect for ourselves, and this opens the door for others to push us around and take advantage of us. Don’t let it happen.

The other issue is that it causes men, in general, to lose credibility with women. When a woman sees that a man is willing to throw away his own dignity for even the slightest promise of a handjob, we really start to lose grace in her eyes. She’ll discuss this with other women who will get the same idea and then it snowballs until . . . well, until we get to the way things are in the 21st century.

But it’s not too late!

Always remember that, though it might seem like high quality women are in short abundance, they’re out there, and you don’t have to settle. So the next time someone expects you to sacrifice both your dignity and your sack, glom on to both, sling them over your shoulder, and march off to find another woman who respects them.

Thoughts on Alpha Males

The expression “alpha male” became a big buzzword some years ago, and I still see it being used a lot nowadays. Lately, I saw a couple of youtube videos about the subject, and it made me realize that it’s a topic I should address. So let’s talk about it. Being an alpha male: what does it mean? Should you worry about being one? All will be answered.

First of all, what exactly is meant by being an alpha male? Well, that’s a good question, and I don’t know if there’s any concrete definition. There probably is amongst certain circles, but I think, on the surface, it’s just sort of a buzzword. Of course, the idea comes from zoology, in which certain species of animals have packs or groups dominated by a single, powerful male, who gets to breed with all of the other females. . . . Or something like that. I’m not a biologist, and I think there might be some technical inaccuracies, but I believe that’s the general gist. So in human society, then, an alpha male is basically a guy who’s strong—not necessarily physically, mind you, but perhaps in his personality or charisma—and who, by this grace, succeeds in garnering a large amount of success, money, women, or any combination of those resources.

For me, a prime example of an alpha male is Donald Trump. Now, whether you like him or hate him, you have to admit that the man is successful. Initially a businessman with a reputation for being shrewd and merciless, he later took the U.S. presidency by surpise and, in spite of having a plethora of critics, makes no apologies (well, except to Russia), does what he wants to do, and comes out on top.

Is Trump a good person to emulate? Well, it depends who you ask, and also who’s doing the emulating. But more on that later. We’re just talking about examples for now.

So, the next question is: does the concept of the alpha male apply to human society? Well, experts seem divided on that. The idea itself is highly marketable. Imagine it: you’re a socially awkward guy who has trouble meeting girls. Someone comes along and tells you that there are alpha males and beta males, that you’re currently a beta male, and that to meet girls you have to learn to become an alpha male . . . which they’ll tell you how to do if you buy their book. But in real life, the concept is much more gray. Yes, humans are animals, and a lot of norms and traditions come from a sort of animalistic, tribal mindset, but at the same time, it’s our differences from typical animals, such as altruism, and our ability to forge alliances with others rather than just focusing on killing and eating, that has made us as successful as we are. So what might apply in the animal kingdom (and some experts will even tell you that even in the animal kingdom the idea of an alpha male isn’t as universal or true as some people believe, citation needed) might not necessarily apply to us.

Take a moment and think about some of the most famous men in the world. Beyond Trump. You have people like Napolean, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Jesus, Einstein, Picasso, and more. Now take a look at at that random list I just made. Some of them definitely fit the definition of alpha males. But some of them don’t! Why, the person responsible for creating one of the world’s most influential religions rode on a donkey, and let his enemies kill him! Certainly not alpha male material. So, it seems that, while the alpha male mindset does have its advantages, it is only one of several possible paths to success.

Nowadays, you sometimes get groups of guys who’ll sort of fancy themselves a sort of “alpha male” club. Maybe they subscribe to subreddits about it. Maybe they even go to monthly men’s gatherings. That sort of thing. Well, to me, it’s always seemed like, if you have to go around telling people you’re an alpha male . . . you’re probably not. To me, it’s always seemed like someone who’s truly an alpha male (whatever it means), doesn’t go around telling it to people, or learning how to be one. He just does his own thing. To me, it seems like some people are just naturally born with it. And if you aren’t . . . I don’t want to say it’s impossible to change your own nature, but it’s going to be pretty tough. That’s the bad news. The good news, though is that . . . well, see the above paragraph. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and if you think you’re not a natural alpha male, don’t fret: you just need to find your own path to success.

With that being said, there are some very valuable lessons to be had from the alpha male mindset. Hey, even Jesus had that moment where he totally went sickhouse in the temple, and started overturning tables and whipping people . . . and kicking out pigeon sellers for some reason . . . Anyway, the alpha male mindset tells us that we have to be dynamic, go out there and get what we want, and not to take any crap from people who give us a hard time. This is a good lesson to take to heart. So keep it in mind, but don’t worry if it doesn’t make you exactly like Snake Plissken.

So: are you an alpha male or a beta male? Do such things really exist? And if so, do they really matter? I’d say you don’t need to concern yourself with the details. Instead of asking yourself if you’re alpha or beta, what you really need to ask yourself is: “Am I happy and successful operating with my current social methods?” If the answer is “yes,” then keep doing what you’re doing. If the answer is “ehhh,” or “hell no, somebody help me!” then you should figure out a system of personal improvement that works for your personality style, not that of Donald Trump’s. But that, of course, can sometimes be a lifelong journey, and hopefully this blog will have some tips to you help you on that journey. Like this article. Whoa . . . it’s like article Inception! Like looking in mirror with a mirror behind you! Anyway, that’s all for now. Hope that helps.

Thoughts on the THOT Audit

Again, I suppose I’m a bit late when it comes to commenting on this issue, but better late than never.

Anyway, a few weeks back, something known as the “THOT Audit” was making its rounds on the Internet. . . . “THOT Audit . . .” Does . . . does that even rhyme? Like, I know it’s SUPPOSED to rhyme, but . . . anyway, moving on. For those of you who don’t know, “THOT” means “That Ho’ Over There,” and is basically another way of saying slut, skank, floozie, tramp, bimbo, woman of questionable morals, or whatever your preferred choice of words is. Anyway, in this case, it refers to women who make money through webcams, premium snapchats, or whatever.

To go in more detail, basically, these girls have some kind of . . . I don’t know how this stuff works . . . Patreon accounts or whatever, where basically they show sexy pictures of themselves, and if you pay money, you can get “special” pictures, which usually are more risque, or sometimes might even involve the girl wearing a certain outfit requested by you.

Now, the deal behind the audit is that the income these girls make is, apparently, not being reported to the American IRS as being taxable, which technically counts as income tax fraud. Okay, I’m not here to talk about whether or not they should be taxed, if it’s fair, or whatever. I’m here to talk about another problem that this whole issue highlights: people are paying these women good money to do this sort of thing!

Two of my many goals with this blog is to invest men with a healthy brand of self-confidence and to instill in them wise monetary habits. Spending money on e-girls, or webcam models, or whatever the hell they’re called (I’m a luddite, what can I say) is a barrier to both of these. If you’re spending money on this kind of thing you need to stop.

Look, this is just plain unwise. For one thing, why spend money on this sort of thing? If you really want to see some boobs, just open Duckduckgo and type “boobs” in the search bar. It’s totally free. Now, unless you’re a recently unfrozen caveman who has inexplicably gained the talent to use a keyboard and Paypal and nothing more, you’re already aware of this option, which leads me to believe that men are throwing away their money on these girls because they offer something that they can’t get through typical internet porn. And I’d wager that “something” is the personal touch it involves. The companionship, as it were. You’re no longer just jackin’ it to some random girl you’ll never meet, you’re jackin’ it to a girl who knows your name, and who will actually talk to you . . . for a price. But don’t be enticed by this siren song.

The thing is, if you feel like you need to pay money for someone’s attention, you have some serious self-confidence issues. Guys, NEVER pay ANYONE money to be your friend. EVER. If you do, you’re A.) basically admitting that you’re such a poor excuse for a human being that the only reason anyone would want to talk to you is if you gave them money and B.) giving money to an unscrupulous person who preys on people like you.

So let’s tackle issue “A” above. Don’t, for one minute, believe that you’re so worthless you need to pay people for attention. Now, I know sometimes it’s not that simple. Just like with strip clubs, guys who have difficulty meeting women sometimes find it not just refreshing, but sometimes downright exhilarating when an attractive girl talks and flirts with them. Sometimes they get the idea that, maybe, if the girl gets to know them well enough, they might even fall in love with them. Other times, it’s just a really nice change of pace to getting snubbed at the club. (Hey, that rhymes better than THOT Audit).

But don’t do it, guys. Don’t do it. First, they won’t fall in love with you. That shit only happens in the movies. In general, a woman who preys on men with low confidence is not someone with a heart of gold who’ll love you for who you are. It’s just not going to happen. And secondly, yeah, it might be fun, but again, don’t give these predators your money. They’re people who rely on duping men with low confidence into giving them their hard-earned cash. Don’t support this kind of thing. If you want to go a little more in depth about this issue, check out my article on strip clubs. A lot of the same points apply.

But let’s get back to the self confidence issue. Do you really feel like you need to pay money to get girls to pay attention to you? Well, the good news is it’s still likely you’re a great person. Sometimes other people are just dumb. The bad news is, it might be because you’re doing something wrong. We can’t all be hottie magnets, but if you’re feeling this bad about yourself, sitting around and feeling sad while giving money to people who don’t deserve it is not the solution. My friend, who’s addicted to strip clubs, has just this very problem. He’s overweight and has no talents other than being able to unlock every acheivment in GTA V. He likes to complain a lot, and yet, his plans to diet and exercise always fail, and whenever he takes up a new hobby, he gets frustrated and gives up. I hate to say it but . . . it’s his fault. Don’t do that. If you feel worthless, then take initiative and make yourself the man you want to be. Exercise. Learn. If your social skills are bad, practice having conversations in the shower (not with other people who are showering; that’ll get you beat up. I mean pretend conversations with yourself while you’re alone in the shower.) Do these things and you’ll have the power to go out there and meet real women. They might not be as hot as BlackRose99, but at least it’s genuine, and will only cost you the price of the occasional dinner date and Valentine’s day gift. And that’s a lot better, don’t you think?

And don’t be afraid to get angry. No, not get-in-car-and-plow-through-a-group-of-kids-at-Disneyland angry, but angry enough to motivate you into not paying money to people who shouldn’t be getting it. Look, the world will screw you over. There are people out there who want you to feel bad about yourself, because if you give up, if you resign yourself to thinking you’re worthless, then they win. They get the better jobs, the attention, the money. And if you sit at home giving money to e-girls because you feel like you’re worthless, then those people have won. Don’t do it!

But maybe your confidence is fine, and you just want to be able to jerk you gherkin to a picture of a girl dressed up as Hatsune Miku while she’s holding a sign that says “Do me, Dave,” (because your name is Dave). Well . . . okay then! It’s your money, I guess.

Do I care if THOTs are audited? Eh, not really. Taxpayer money and all that, blah, blah, blah. It’s still not top on my list of priorities. But what I do care about is that decent hard-working guys are throwing away their hard-earned cash money on people who don’t deserve it. Improve yourself and meet a real girl to waste your money on.