We Should Probably Talk About Mansplaining

“Mansplaining” is not a new word to our cultural lexicon. I think the first time I heard it was around 2011, and it’s probably been around a lot longer than that. But I still hear it quite a bit today, so it looks like it’s here to stay. And for a long time, I’ve had an idea to write a post about it. But things got busy, and I’ve taken on new pursuits, so I kind of put it on the backburner. But lately I’ve noticed some new developments in the culture such that it’s called me out of blog-post retirement to write this article.

First of all, let’s agree on an operant definition. Since I don’t feel like looking it up, I’m just going to give what, in my experience, people seem to think mansplaining is: Basically, it’s when a man explains something to a woman in a way that’s condescending and underestimates the woman’s expertise and knowledge, while simultaneously (and theoretically) elevating the man’s knowledge, etc.

Got that? Okay, now let me take a few minutes to give you some hypothetical examples of mansplaining. We’ll do this through an imaginary character whom we’ll call “Michelle.”

… That name is too long. Let’s call her “Meg.”

Anyway, Meg was a mechanic for 10 years. Over this time, she honed her craft in a male-dominated field. Eventually, she leaves the garage and becomes an engineer. Right away, she becomes the only woman in an office of men, almost all of whom are much younger and/or have much less experience than Meg. Of course she receives a lot of guidance and explanation, which isn’t surprising since this is a new field for her. But as time goes on, it becomes clear to Meg that there’s more to it than just “teaching the new girl.” Even when she has ideas that come from her experience, they’re second-guessed by her co-workers. When co-workers explain things, it’s often not explained in a respectful manner: “Okay, this is never going to work.” “Okay … the way you designed this is not optimally effective.” And the thing is … they’re wrong. Meg knows this from experience working in the garage. 

Time goes by. Soon, Meg is no longer the new girl. She’s learned the ins and outs of the job. But things haven’t changed. When she has input during meetings, her ideas are greeted by her male co-workers with stony silence and then ignored. People often interrupt her when she’s talking. Even co-workers who only started a few months ago try to give their ideas and opinions first. When Meg receives client feedback on her performance, she sometimes gets comments like “Typical woman engineer,” and her results seem lower than her male counterparts despite that her work quality is often equal, or sometimes better.

Meg does have a few female co-workers. They treat Meg differently. They ask for her advice, follow it, and are appreciative of her experience. But at the same time, they’re often quick to defer to the authority of their male co-workers. 

Life at home has its own struggles. Meg lives with both her husband and father-in-law while raising a young son. Every bit of input she has in regards to child-rearing is disregarded or viewed with skepticism. Often this puts her in a difficult position: For example, when the men in her family disregard the importance of putting the baby in a car seat, Meg is faced with the difficult position of either submitting, or becoming so assertive as to be labeled a bitch by her family. Both in and out of work, Meg’s solutions and input are viewed as flawed, while that of her male counterparts is taken as valuable.

Okay, got all that? Now reverse the genders. Also forget that it’s an engineering job. Because that’s been my experience. I’m Meg.

Now some of you are probably wondering how I navigate this environment, and that’s a topic for a whole other article. But what I wanted to point out here is that I think the idea of “mansplaining” is fallacious. In fact, I’d go so far as to say we’re being gaslit.

Look, I don’t like to complain about feminism or what-have-you. I don’t think complaining  is productive as a general rule. And really, I think the majority of feminists, whether men or women, have their hearts in the right place. (Whether they’re correct or not is something that needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.) But, as in any sub-group in society, there is a small but impactful percentage that have malign motives which poison the well-meaning thoughts of the majority. They have no regard for the consequences of their actions so long as it serves them in the short term or helps fuel their spite. And I suspect that’s what’s going on here. A sort of boogeyman is being cooked up to demonize another sub-group.

Because as I got thinking about it, I began to think of all the jobs I’ve had in my life: grocery retail, juvenile rehabilitation, manufacturing, military, education … and I’m hard-pressed to think of any textbook examples of mansplaining in any of them. Sure, there have probably been a few, but for each of these, there have been an equal or greater number of instances of “womansplaining.” And that’s what it’s really about. It’s not mansplaining or womansplaining. It’s being condescending, and that’s something that every kind of person is guilty of–and which shouldn’t be placed solely on the shoulders of men.

“You want to kick him right here. In the jaw. Trust me, I know from experience.”
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

Okay, so what spurred me to talk about this now? It’s a recent trend that I’ve noticed in the education sector: Nowadays, when it comes to classroom material, there’s a drive to insure that men are not portrayed as giving advice or as “the keepers of knowledge.” I’m not making that up. If, for example, a scenario in a foreign-language textbook has a male telling a female how to get to the store, or explaining a piece of information, then that’s a no-go. Look, I get it: We don’t want girls to, every time they open a book, see before them depictions of themselves puzzling and drooling over solving the most basic of tasks going, “Dur, I’m not so good at the lernin!” But first: Has that ever been a problem? That’s an honest question, I don’t really know. I never really noticed. But second: Yeah, we don’t want girls seeing that … and we also don’t want boys seeing that, either! Now, the counter-argument here might be, “Yes, but traditionally boys have always seen themselves portrayed as competent decision makers, so we have to balance things out.” But does that really solve things? If we continue down this road of pillorying men for offering solutions and advice, then we can expect one of two possible outcomes: 1. Boys so fully buy into the portrayal of themselves as toxic, opinionated, and often just outright wrong, that they end up like beaten dogs, bereft of a sense of self-worth and direction. Trust me, I see this on a fairly regular basis, it happens. 2. Boys go the complete other direction. They think, “Hey, if everyone is telling me to keep my ideas to myself, then to hell with ‘em, I’m going to become the most braggadocious, johnson-swinging man that I can be.” And yes, we’re seeing that, now, too. And neither of these outcomes is good.

So what are we to do? Well … that’s kind of the hard part, and I really don’t have a great answer. But I think the first thing is to be aware of this gaslighting. Don’t be afraid to offer input, provided you do so in a sincere manner. If someone has a problem with that, then they’re free to ignore your advice. But also, guys … for goodness sake, stop buying into this nonsense. There’s nothing worse than a guy who throws his fellow man under the bus just for an approving nod from the women of TikTok. Hell, some of the witchfinder generals of the mansplaining inquisition or are other men. We need to get out of the habit of self-flagellating every time someone accuses us of mansplaining.

Can we be condescending with our opinions and explanations? Sure. Is it only men? No. Should we punish and hamstring ourselves because of it? Certainly not. You know, I’ve heard people say we should avoid applying negative stereotypes that are exclusive to women. Things like bossiness, or nagging. After all, men sometimes are guilty of those same things, right? Well, if so, then maybe we should think about applying this guideline when circumstances are inverted. Maybe we should avoid labeling arrogance as “mansplaining” if it isn’t exclusive to men.

A Karaoke Song and Relationships Between Men and Women

I briefly mentioned this a few months ago, but thought it deserved a bit more attention, so here we go. Anyway, the other day I was singing some karaoke (and by the way, if you live in an area where karaoke is big, singing can be a fairly easy skill to develop—but don’t fool yourself and think you can just sing any song you’re vaguely familiar with without practice) and one of the ladies I was with got up and decided to sing some song about how all women are strong queens, and they’re not princesses that need to be saved, and blah blah blah. I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention, because I was trying to see if I could remember the fast lyrics to “By the Way” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But then it got me thinking about some things, and I wanted to share my insights in a small article that will hopefully be more thought provoking than complaintive.

First of all, imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. Imagine if a guy were to complain about how he didn’t need women. Well … there are people like that! From time to time I’ll hear men state that women only hold us back, that the majority of them are toxic and manipulative, and so on. And there is some truth to this. In fact, I have both a brother and a close friend who had wives that cheated on them, won custody of their children, and subsequently gaslit their kids to turn them against their fathers, while another close friend has a knack of repeatedly meeting women who attempt to manipulate him out of money (and succeed much more than they should). But to take these few examples and make a blanket statement that men should completely do away with women altogether would be doing a disservice to everyone.

That’s because men and women are not enemies. We’re a team. I work with mostly women. Now, imagine that every time one of my more-experienced female co-workers gave me advice, I accused them of being condescending or trying to set me up for failure. It would make for a pretty bad work dynamic. As it is, though, they have a lot of experience, and really help me out when I’m totally clueless about what to do. Not wanting to seem completely helpless, then, I use my talent of being a fast worker to help my teammates crank out projects in record time. Together we use their knowledge and my elbow grease to make our department look good to our supervisors, thereby ensuring we don’t get our department downsized. Have there been times when I’ve felt like was talked down to a little? Yeah, a few. But at the end of the day, everyone has done a pretty good job of working in my—in our—best interests.

And then there’s marriage. Look, I don’t want to say that a man is worthless unless he gets married. It’s totally possible to change the world and not get married. Just ask Nikola Tesla, Isaac Newton, and Wilt Chamberlain. However, most of us are much less likely to have our names go down in history, and much more likely to turn into a slacker who just sits around the house seeing how fast he can find nude images of Sally Acorn on Google. By contrast, when a man gets married he often becomes … well, something a little bit more. When I got married, I transformed from a guy who sat at home playing Path of Exile all day to a defender and a provider for another human being who, in turn supported me with talents of her own. And now, with a baby on the way, we’ll together begin the incredible task of forging a whole new human being. That’s quite a thing when you think about it, right? Now compare that to my single friend who goes to work, goes home, watches old reruns of ‘80s TV shows, and does it again the next day, on and on, until he shuffles off this mortal coil. Which of those sounds more appealing?

……

No, you’re supposed say “Forging a new human being,” dammit! Look, I know watching reruns of Knight Rider is … look, let’s just move on.

My point is this: Yes, there are bad women out there, but there are many more good women who are there to help us with their expertise. And, when it comes to marriage, they help us men realize our purposes, our destinies as protectors, providers, and fathers.

Okay, but back to that song. Here’s the thing about men. When men claim they don’t need women, they’re often marginalized or ridiculed. But when women complain they don’t need men? Well, they become celebrities. This assertion is celebrated, made into song, and proclaimed on just about every social media platform out there.

I’ve mentioned before that men sometimes are our own worst enemies. We tend to give each other bad advice, and we’re often dishonest about some of the challenges we face, out of fear of seeming weak. Well, women give each other bad advice, too, and this is such an example. Now imagine, at my job, my female co-workers constantly told me they didn’t need my help. I can tell you, things would get done a lot more slowly around here. And when it comes to marriage, just as a good man can be made a better man with the inclusion of a good woman, the same goes in reverse. By meeting the right man, a woman, too, can become a provider, a mother, and a co-leader of a family unit. And while some perpetually single women might be lucky enough to become the next Oprah or Joan of Arc, many more won’t, and likely run the risk of becoming lonely, bitter cat ladies. Yet few people will ever echo this sentiment. Probably because “My man is really helpful,” doesn’t make for as interesting song content as “All the queens in the house kick those men in the balls, say HEY-ohh! (Hey-oh!)”

So the point of it all? I guess it’s this: Both men and women need to stop looking at the glass as 1/3 empty and viewing it as 2/3 full, because otherwise we end up missing out on a lot of potential for betterment of life and work. Yes, always be wary of toxic human beings and manipulators, but don’t become so resistant that you diminish your opportunities. And also, that song was dumb.

3 Tips for Success at the Gym

Lately I’ve been going to an actual weight lifting gym as opposed to a martial arts studio. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. The place is actually a gym for the agency I work for. Only co-workers can use it, and that means I can observe people’s habits a lot more carefully. And in the process of doing so, I’ve noticed there a few principals of exercise that I do that few others do. Also, while I can’t claim I’m the healthiest person at my workplace, I’m far-and-away the biggest in terms of muscle size. I think there’s a connection. Anyway, here are some things I do that the others don’t, and I think they make a difference.

Maintain a routine

I know, that sounds basic right? But of the dozens or so who work at my job, only about 4 of us keep an actual, predictable schedule. Me, I’m like clockwork: right after work, I hit the gym and am there for about 1 hour. I do this three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Sometimes I see others there, but usually not. In fact, over the past four months I’ve worked there, I’ve seen Megan about 3 times, Krista once, Julie twice, (I work with mostly women, by the way) and Rose once. The only ones I see regularly are the night watchman and my friend, Will. Sometimes I’ll see a couple of the guys from tech support, but they’re sporadic. I suppose it’s possible that maybe they have different schedules from my own, and it’s just a schedule change that caused them to come in during my routine but … I doubt it. Julie is definitely overweight, so I think there’s a connection there.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of people like the idea of going to the gym. They’ll sit on their asses for hours and hours watching Bridgerton or whatever, then once in a while do a few minutes on the treadmill to convince themselves they’re doing something healthy, but that sort of thing is like trying to cure your louse infestation by occasionally picking a nit out of your hair. It doesn’t work, trust me. The thing is, if you only work out once or twice every couple of weeks, that’s not enough to affect any change to your biology. Only routine can do it.

And here’s the hard part: You have to maintain that routine. That means going even on days when you don’t really feel like it. Now, you do have some leeway. It’s okay to miss a day for certain occasions, like when Aunt Mable stops by and needs you to use your belt sander on her bunions, or when maybe your muscles are feeling a bit strained. But generally you should try your damnedest to keep up your routine. That might even mean doing two days in a row if need be (just make sure you don’t overtax yourself since you won’t be getting a recovery day in between sessions.) This is because humans are lazy, and when we skip one day of our routine, it becomes that much easier to do it again. Soon, a three-day-per-week routine becomes a two-day-per-week routine, and that soon dwindles to zero. Don’t let it happen!

“There Can be no Gain Without TOTAL MUSCLE FAILURE!”

The above phrase was on a small, dirty placard that hung in my high school weight room, and it’s influenced not only my exercise habits, but also, to a degree, my outlook on life. Now, before I go any further, let me point out the obvious fact that this is NOT always good advice, and a lot of people will claim it’s not even true, but we’ll get to that later.

Here’s why it’s important, though. Even for those who do have fairly predictable routines, I often see them working out lightly. They’ll lift some weights, but when they start to feel a little tired, they quit and move on to something else. It is true that any kind of movement and workout is better than none, and they probably are adding years onto their life spans, and staving off heart disease and obesity, by using up calories. But if you really want to improve, you have to push yourself. When I lift, at the end of each set, I’m grunting, and my arms are shaking with the strain. Look, as a general rule, creating order from chaos is seldom a comfortable affair, and the less comfortable we make ourselves, the more order we create.

Now, it’s true that this rule is not TOTALLY true. You can make gains without overtaxing yourself, and pushing yourself too hard—especially early on when your muscles haven’t adapted to a certain exercise—will cause you to end up sore, or worse, injured, forcing you to take days, or even weeks off to recover. So moderation in all things. Take it slow, take it wise…ly, but once you’ve gotten into the groove and figured out proper form, go hard!

Compare yourself to others only to the degree that it helps.

This is more of a bonus rule, and mainly here to round things out so it seems like I’m not just giving you two lousy tips. But anyway, it’s still important.

Anyway, I live in Asia. And when the native sons of the East see me walking down the street with my powerful Western physic: my bulging muscles that ripple and undulate in a manner akin to that of a powerful jungle cat, why their mouths slacken in awe, as if they’ve just seen some kind of barbarian god made flesh, walking straight out of the pages of ancient myth and legend.

But all joking aside, I do get a lot of questions from my contemporaries about what my secret is. I tell them mostly what I told you above, but with one addition: They shouldn’t expect completely similar results. I’m no … muscleologist (that’s a thing, right?) but it seems to me that there are different physiques, and different people put on muscle different ways. I always tell my young fans—I mean “worshipers”–I mean “strangers I talk to at parties”– to think about Bruce Lee. Lee was undoubtedly in peak physical condition during his time, and no one will doubt that. But he certainly wasn’t riddled with muscles on muscles; rather he was lean, streamlined—an avatar of muscular efficiency. And yet when we think about muscular strength, we tend to think of Schwarzenegger instead. But you don’t have to. If you’re doing everything you can to gain muscle, but you don’t look like Arnold, well … don’t sweat it. Maybe you just don’t put on muscle that way. And while that might mean you might get in one or two extra fights than you normally would anytime you tell some guy at a party that his shirt is ugly, for the most part, that’s perfectly okay, and girls these days really don’t care that much about big muscles, anyway.

But you should have some kind of goal to shoot for. If you buy into the logic that everyone is beautiful just the way they are, then you’ll be content to be a globular, human adipose cell. Ideals and goals are important to have, but also keep in mind that sometimes we have to adapt our ideal to what we’re best suited.

Time to hit the showers. (Just keep your eyes focused straight ahead)

So that’s really about it. Be consistent, push yourself (wisely) and live healthy. Also, at the end of the day, make sure that you’re content with the skin you’re in, so long as it’s in good shape. Good luck!

“Men don’t want women who …” They SHOULD care!

The other day, one of my Facebook friends shared a meme that showed a crudely drawn picture of a man saying “No man wants a woman who …” to which a weirdly big-eyed cartoon image of a woman replied, “We don’t care.” Okay, fair enough. But guess what? They should care. And what’s more? When the roles are reversed men should care, too (and often do, but more on that later).

Okay, so what, exactly, do I mean? Let’s fill the “…” (called ellipses in the grammar world) with about the most stereotypical thing we can think of: “can’t cook.” Would a man date a woman who couldn’t cook? Sure. Probably. It’s certainly not a deal breaker. But let’s change the roles. Would a woman date a man who couldn’t cook? Also, probably. Again, probably not a deal breaker. But when I was dating my wife, I made sure to cook for her at least once. Now, as anyone who’s read this blog knows, I’m certainly not a gourmet chef (see my recent entry on how to basically throw everything in a frying pan and cook it), but I had my future wife over for my famous STOVE BURGERS once just to show her I could do it. Why? Well, it showed her that I’m a … Functional Male! Our word of the day! Yaaay! Yaaaaaaaay …
…
…

Anyway, it showed her that, while perhaps not someone who has cardamom in his cupboard, I at least had the basic skills needed to feed another person—an important tool in any husband/father’s repertoire. It would have looked kind of weird if all I ate was Easy Mac, right? And so I made sure to let her know that I had this basic skill.

“No man wants a woman who … ” doesn’t wear makeup!

Again, let’s reverse the roles.

… Okay, men don’t, as a general rule wear makeup. You got me. But we do have to take care of our appearances. Now one could argue that I’ve got my wife locked in, so I can pretty much let my appearance go to pot faster than a college student living next door to a dispensary, and it’s true that I don’t wear a tie and chinos when I’m sitting around the house, but if I happen to look in the mirror on a lazy Saturday afternoon and see that I look one step above a hobo who lives under a bridge, I’ll take a minute to run a razor over my face and maybe even give my hair a quick wash (It gets greasy real fast). Hell, I might even trim that inch-long nose hair that’s poking its head out of my nostril. The point is, I do this out of consideration for my wife. … Well, and also because the lice will come back if I go that long without washing my hair again. But mostly for my wife. If I looked like a urine-smelling transient, or a slightly more unkempt version of Jack Dorsey, she would be well within her rights to complain; after all, she has to look at me for at least 5 hours every day. And when we were dating? You bet I made sure to clean up when we went out—not taking care of my appearance would likely be a good indicator I wasn’t good at taking care of other things such as children, finances, or finding employment. And the same thing goes when the shoe’s on the other foot. While a woman doesn’t necessarily have to load on the makeup, if she fails to change out of her pajama pants, she probably doesn’t have much of a mind for consideracy (not a word, according to spellcheck) or effort.

“No man wants a woman who …” flirts with everyone!

Thanks, Google autofill for this one … the first few hits of which were related to the meme described in this article’s introduction. Okay, reverse the roles once more! Would I expect a girl to date me if she knew I was constantly hitting on women? Hell, no. Now, some folks might be quick to point out a double standard, here: that men who engage in this sort of activity are considered players, while women who do so are considered cheap. Not really. First of all, if it were me, with my greasy hair, I’d just be viewed as a desperate creep, but yes, there are some guys who manage to pull of that James Bond chic, and any girl in her right mind shouldn’t fall for that. As I’ve pointed out before, there’s no sense in lamenting when a girl falls for a “bad boy,” because at the end of the day, she’s someone who doesn’t make wise decisions, and a guy who falls for a bad girl (you’re right, men usually don’t call them that … we just call them “hot”) likewise probably lacks self respect or good decision-making skills.

Let’s think about this

Here’s the thing—we men tend to be pretty aware of what women want, and (when we aren’t busy trying to undermine or one-up each other) give advice on this to other guys. I mean, that’s what about 25% of this blog is, right? But a lot of women have this idea that self-improvement for the sake of winning over a potential significant other is an act of submission. And I think they end up shooting themselves in the foot over it from time to time. I expect my wife to have standards for me. Someone who’s content to “love me for who I am” while I eat myself into a coma might not be the best person for me.

I think this whole mindset came from the misconception that, decades ago, women were domestic slaves, expected to wear high heels around the house and bring a pipe and slippers to their husbands when they got home from work. And I think this is mostly wrong. See, while I was raised in the ‘80s, my parents were very much products of the ‘50s (my dad was born in the ‘40s, no kidding) and carried a lot of that culture with them through the time of my childhood. I remember my mom stayed home and cooked and cleaned quite a bit … but when Dad was home, he’d be working his ass off fixing the car, mowing the lawn, and yes, sometimes even cooking. (He was much better at fixing things than cooking. He’d give me bologna and butter sandwiches.) They were a team.

But I’m getting off track. What’s the point of this whole article? I guess it’s this: We need to keep in mind that expecting possible girlfriends/spouses to have basic courtesies and competencies is completely reasonable and actually beneficial, just as it is for us to be expected to develop or capabilities to serve as better boyfriends and spouses to them. Let’s not get so bogged down over the idea of competition that we lose sight of the fact that men and women should be working to make each other’s lives better.

Don’t be lame. Do things with your friends or family.

Well, it’s been a while since my last post, and that’s because I’m A.) on vacation, B.) being kind of lazy, and C.) without too much to say these days. Fortunately I’m also D.) still at it, like any functional male should be. So here’s this week’s post! It’s a short one, but maybe that’s for the best; I tend to overwrite at times. As some famous person (I think it might have been Flayva Flav) once said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Why say in a hundred words what you can say in 50? Let’s get to it.

Sometimes we guys can be a fun-hating lot. As a kid, my mom and sister would always want to go out for ice cream or something, and my father, practical as we was, would just grimace and swipe is hand in the air, saying “Whaddya wanna do that for? We got ice cream right here in the house!” Then, because he’s super old, he’d put on a phonograph record and start singing, “Put another nickel in, in the that nickelodeon …” and launch into a tirade about the Kaiser. Then there was the time I went on vacation with my wife and her family, and also her teenage nephew (technically my nephew too) and we went around sightseeing … and the nephew stayed in the van the whole time. Now granted, he has a few issues beyond just being a bit lame, but you get the idea. And you know what? I’m guilty of being a bit of a stick in the mud, too, but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway, the point of this short article is this: Be sure to get off your ass once in a while and do stuff with your friends or family. It might not always be practical—yes, you can eat ice cream at home—but it’s the act of doing something with people you care about that helps keep those bonds of solidarity strong. (And hopefully you have friends or family that are functional enough for you to like doing things with; I realize not everyone is so lucky.) And this hold true even during those times you kind of just want to stay at home and watch the game, or get your ranger to level 90, or whatever. Because at the end of the day, free time will come and free time will go, but your close friends and family are something that will be there for you all your life. So just like a plant, you have to make sure you’re giving these relationships the proper attention sometimes.

Of course, nothing is absolute, though, and there are always exceptions. It might be that the time and expense required might not justify the excursion … so maybe Dad was right about that ice cream, after all. Or maybe you’ve just been working hard and need a little recovery time; I’ve turned down the offer to do things with friends or family on a few occasions just for this reason. Whenever my wife wants to travel to another country, I tend to downvote the idea. Why spend all that money on a plane ticket just so we can get lost in a country where we don’t speak the language and end up with dengue? Look, you don’t have to go out every time. Just make sure you’re doing it now and then, even during times when it might not exactly be top on your list of things to do. And keep in mind that strengthening relationships and having fun doesn’t always follow the rules of frugality or practicality. Don’t be afraid to spend a few bucks on something you don’t really need. Yeah … Dad was definitely wrong about the ice cream.

Plus it’s just good to get out of the house sometimes. A lot of people blamed all the craziness of 2020 on the fact that people were cooped up in their houses the whole time, and they might be right: If we’re sedentary too long, it takes its toll not only on our mental health, but our physical health as well. We’re not meant to be cave dwellers, bent over a screen, with wide eyes and gaunt pale faces gazing listlessly in a dimly lit room—or, if you prefer, stuck in our recliners due to a baleful combination of sweat, dead skin cells, spilled Shasta, and 14-week old nacho sauce, with a beer in one hand, watching some weird anime series about an office worker racoon who sings death metal karaoke, because the remote is lost somewhere under the chair, and you’re now either unable or unwilling to search for it. Going out for that ice cream will not only create some bonding time, it’s also good for your health.

Bottom line: When your friends and family suggest going out for some ice cream or a walk down the road, don’t overthink it too much. Don’t be lame; just say yes. It’s good for everyone.

Not only physical, but mental and spiritual fitness, too.

Between the years when Bruce Lee ignited the American traditional martial arts craze (citation needed) and MMA subsequently rose to usurp TMA as the dominant form of martial art in the West (and pretty much everywhere else), karate and taekwondo gyms were all over the country. Still are, actually. Anyway, while each had their own unique aspects, there was one thing that almost all of them shared. … They all tried to exploit their students for free mirror-washing. Just kidding. (That joke might only be funny if you’ve studied martial arts.) They all—or most—taught the connection between mind, body, and spirit. And while things taught at these gyms were of fluctuating use (They were great at teaching kicks … and also complicated self-defense techniques for when an attacker grabs your gi lapel and just stands there, looking at you) this is one area where they really hit the nail on the head. Whether it truly stems from ancient Asian philosophy, or whether it’s something that (like yoga) was kind of passed off as such, it’s a solid philosophy that can—and should—be applied in all of our lives.

We’re all familiar, of course, with the need for fitness of the body, likely because that has the most tangible and visible results: If you don’t take care of your body, you end up tooling around Wal-mart on an electric cart, spilling over the seat like a sandbag on a post. But lack of mental and spiritual fitness also brings about consequences that are much less noticeable, but every bit as detrimental to our lives. So in this article, let’s explore the various forms of fitness—physical, mental, and spiritual—and how they relate to your well-being.

Before we go into more detail, though, one thing I should point out is that something all these forms of fitness have in common is … they take work. Again, we’re all familiar with how physical fitness requires sweating, muscle pain, heavy lifting, grunting, discomfort … huh, sounds a lot like my wedding night. But anyway, just as physical fitness takes willpower and motivation, so too do the others. Again, the effort and discomfort involved is much less noticeable than with physical fitness: we don’t sweat when we study … usually. But it’s still there. Look: The universe tends towards a state of entropy—disorder and chaos—and, while this is often helpful, especially if you like breathing oxygen, it also leads to decay and rot. Humans are, by our nature, agents of order. While a little chaos is good, in order to live, we need to fight entropy … we need to actively fight the very laws of the universe!!! So think about that the next time you do burpees. In any case, all of these are tough, so don’t kid yourself. Just remember that when you’re tired of studying, or when you don’t feel like going to church, keep in mind that if you want anything good in life: muscles, smarts … free cookies and juice at after-church social hour … you have to work for it.

Well, you could probably just walk in, grab the cookies and juice, then leave, I suppose …

Physical fitness

Uh … I talk about this quite a bit on this blog! Look at the archives and choose an article. I think it’s pretty simple: Physical fitness helps prevent a whole plethora of diseases, from arteriosclerosis to cancer. Not to mention, it makes you more capable at doing every task, from helping your friend lift a couch to fighting off saber-tooth tigers. It gives you more confidence, makes people hesitant to initiate conflicts with you, and more. So crank out those push-ups!

Mental fitness

Now there are a couple of ways to think about this one. The first one that might come to mind is in regards to mental health: dealing with depression, fear, or the voices in your head that tell you to burn the unworthy in the immaculate flames of cleansing. And you’d be right, this is indeed a very important aspect of wellness. … But it’s also a bit of a topic for a different discussion. Additionally, it’s an issue that can be improved by striving for the three kinds of fitness outlined in this article. The confidence and contentment that can be experienced by being physically, mentally, and spiritually fit can help alleviate (not cure, mind you) many symptoms of depression and anxiety.

But now on to the main focus of this segment. Mental fitness is making sure you’re trying your best to learn new things: the talents, skills, and information that make you into a well-rounded, capable individual. Of course, the first thing that’ll probably come to mind is that fancy book learnin’. How to do that ‘rithmatic they teach over there in the college with all those high-falutin’ professory types in jackets. Shaw, back in the day, we didn’t need none o’ that. We just had to feed the hogs when the sun came up and—Cletus! Get the gun! There’s raccoons in the TV set again!

… But anyway, yes, book learning can be a good way to improve your mental fitness. And that can be something studious like reading about the history of the Spanish American War, or it can be something a bit more entertaining, like Robert E. Howard’s “Solomon Kane” stories; reading—even fiction—can improve your ability at appreciating the art of storytelling, understanding dramatic themes, and utilizing the English language.

However, mental fitness can also be learning a talent or skill, whether it be fixing the, uh … wheel spinner on a … ‘57 Chevy (that’s something car fixers do, right?), playing the guitar, learning how to give first aid, doing needlepoint, speaking that one African language where they make clicking noises … whatever!

What else … Are you interested in politics? Ugh. Okay, whatever. Can’t say social media has created much of a taste for it with me … but all kidding aside, this, too, is learning. Learning about the various social dynamics that dictate how our world systems run is a timeworthy pursuit. Just make sure you’re looking at all sides of any given issue.

So bottom line: learn stuff, whether it be informational or skill-based. Make yourself a well-rounded renaissance man.

And if you don’t? What then? Well, you tell me. Do you know anyone who sits around just playing video games or watching TV every minute of their free time? If so, do they seem like they’re doing well?

Spiritual fitness

“Pff, religion is, like, the opiate of the masses. We’d be better off without all these corrupt patriarchs trying to control what we do with our lives.” Okay, first of all, that quote by Marx is being taken out of context, but second, don’t get too ahead of things, there. I know you’re anxious to go on r/politics and post about how the Satanic Temple is once again trolling the establishment, but keep in mind that, while spiritual well-being can (and often does) involve religion, it can be different things to different people. But the bottom line is, whether you’re a believer or a skeptic, humans are called to serve something beyond just themselves. Now whether that’s an innate longing for God (as C.S. Lewis would claim,) or whether it’s genetic programming aimed at making sure our species doesn’t kill each other off (as Richard Dawkins would claim,) is a question better answered by someone smarter than I. I’m just here to tell the what, not the why.

So of course, if you’re a theist (atheists and agnostics, be patient, I’ve got you covered), probably the easiest way to maintain spiritual health is attending weekly worship services. Whether you’re Christian, Buddhist, whatever, make sure you’re getting to Temple, or church, or the Arena of Valor (for those of you who worship Crom by engaging in sacred gladiatorial combat). Do it! I see a lot of Christians who skip Sunday church and just attend on Christmas and Easter … if that. Look, priorities. With atheists, I get it. But if you believe that there’s a single source of all goodness and life in the world, isn’t it worth at least an hour of your time every week? Now, a lot of people will say that they don’t get much out of church, that a Supreme Being doesn’t care if some insect sings songs to Him or not, or that they’re just not really a church person. All fair claims. But think about this: Do you get a better workout at the gym or at home? Do you build a more solid friendship by messaging on Facebook or actually hanging out with friends? Yes, you can do these things from home, but we often tend to get lazy or lose motivation. The bottom line is, keeping a spiritual routine helps keep your spiritual muscles in better shape. Don’t skip your gym sessions, and don’t skip your church sessions. Yes, it is inconvenient at times but … didn’t I say fighting entropy takes effort?

Now, non-believers, let’s get to you. I’ll be honest, this is going to be a little tougher for you. You don’t have the benefit of just going to church for one hour a week. You’re going to have to get creative. The good news is that you, too, can practice spiritual fitness by making sure you take time out of your week to do something that somehow makes the world around you a little better of a place to live.

Probably the easiest way to do this is volunteering and, I know, I know, it gets tiresome hearing about people extolling the virtues of giving your time to the local soup kitchen, but consider something like it. Keep in mind, if scooping soup to hobos isn’t your style, there are other things you can do, too: volunteer firefighting, mentoring, or whatever. Hell, even being a positive online influence can make the world a bit better. There are all kinds of people on the “no stupid questions” subreddit looking for all kinds of advice from kind strangers just like you.

And thesists, you can do this too! After all, going to the gym is great, but you can also go hiking on weekends to get in an extra workout. In fact, many faithful will argue that good works are the cornerstone of a spiritual life.

Also, you know what? I consider socializing to be a bit of a form of spiritual fitness. By meeting people, you forge the bonds of friendship which is the glue that has gotten mankind through thick and through thin. By making friends, we help others and hopefully get some help along the way, while (hopefully) serving as a good example to those with whom we interact. But despite my earlier comments on good online citizenship, this requires more than just giving likes on people’s facebook profiles. Get out there and actually visit people. And unfortunately, you should be prepared for some challenges to making friends in today’s society LINK.

Finally, a word of warning: Just as there are some workout routines that can actually damage your body or muscles, there are some spiritual practices that might seem good at first, but really aren’t. Unfortunately you’ll have to figure out for yourself what those are. For example, the Great Beast himself, Aleister Crowley thought he had really found something special in his religion of Thelema (the basic tenets of which were “Do whatever the hell you want.”) And for quite a while it brought him success and fame … but eventually his decadent lifestyle left him in poverty. (Source: https://www.britannica.com/biography/Aleister-Crowley). So whatever form of spiritual fitness you settle upon, make sure it’s one that’s right for you.

All are linked

As I said at the beginning, maintaining all of these fitness … es (?) requires willpower. That’s a form of mental (or maybe spiritual) strength. If you don’t have this, you can’t work out and build physical strength. If you aren’t healthy, you’re not going to feel your best, and this will diminish your willpower to work on the other two. To a person who might not be in the best place in his life, it might seem like a vicious cycle … so you have to break out of it. Now, as always, I advise people that there is no magic solution, no silver bullet to life’s problems … only things that might help make some of them easier. (Encouraging, right?) But every little bit helps, so if you’re not content in your life at the moment, try to make sure you’re putting forth that best effort to maintain the three kinds of fitness.

Don’t forget to take it easy!

As Jack Torrence from The Shining will attest, all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. Some folks are naturally driven workaholics, but for the rest of us, we need to be lazy sometimes. Just as it’s fine to get a quarter-pounder at McDonald’s from time to time, it’s fine to set some time aside at the end of the evening for League of Legends or TV, or whatever. Work hard, but play hard, too.

A Crash Course in Ground Fighting

It seems like one of the most popular kinds of articles on my blog are ones involving martial arts. Which surprises me, to be honest. In my experience, opinions on martial arts are like buttholes … uh … they can expand and contract … sometimes they get inflamed … I forgot the rest of that analogy. Anyway, there are so many different ways to do martial arts, that there are all kinds of conflicting opinions, and sometimes things can get a bit heated when talking shop in the martial arts world. In any case, it seems that a few people like what I have to say, so here’s yet another installment in my crash courses on martial arts. This time it’s about ground fighting!

As I might or might not have mentioned (read: I’m too lazy to look through my previous articles), most experts agree that a lot of fights end up on the ground. They’re not the elegant exchanges of punches and blocks one sees in the movies, and are more like pair of angry baboons beating the piss out of one another. But I digress: the bottom line is, no matter how good you are at kicking or punching, you’ll probably need some ground fighting skill, too.

Full disclosure: I suck at jiu-jitsu. I do have a blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which takes about as much time to get as a black belt in some other styles, but I’m pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as far as blue belts go. Jiu-jitsu is much like math, in that it sort of requires a certain kind of brain that can easily visualize options and tactics, and my brain just doesn’t work that way. But here’s why my struggles can help you. You see, since I feel better fighting from standing, my whole aim with jiu-jitsu is to learn strategies to help me survive just long enough that I can get back to my feet and either resume busting heads or getting the hell out of Dodge. Forget doing fancy arm bars, bermimbolo rolls, and so on, I just want to stand back up. And if you don’t know the slightest thing about ground fighting, then your goal should be to do the same! So here are my tips for keeping your elbows in their sockets should you find yourself duking it out on the terra firma.

Also, in the spirit of honesty, I should warn you: It’s been a good several years since I’ve done any of these, so my memory might be a bit foggy. And when I tried to test them out by saying to my wife, “Hey, could you try choking me with your legs? I want to try something,” she just rolled her eyes and walked away because she thought it was a desperate ploy to trick her into some weird sex thing.

… She was partly right. But anyway, take some of these pieces of advice with the forewarning that my knowledge in the matter isn’t quite as sharp as when I was actively practicing.

And as usual, a disclaimer: Like I said, ground fighting is tough. Don’t get a false sense of confidence from these tips. If you end up on the ground with a black belt in jiu-jitsu, you’re pretty much up Crapapoo Creek without a paddle. You should avoid ground fighting like Franz Ferdinand should avoid outdoor bistros. Jiu-jitsu black belts can do things you wouldn’t think are humanly possible. BUT, people have survived falling out of airplanes if just the right circumstances line up, and maybe these tips can serve as your bed of newly fallen snow.

… Because, see, the snow is one of those factors that can help cushion your fall if … never mind. Let’s just go.

1. When you go down …

The first thing to do when surviving ground fighting is to make sure you don’t split your skull on the concrete to begin with. Believe it or not, you can get slammed on concrete, and still feel fresh as a daisy, provided you follow some simple rules. In judo, this is known as ukemi, and it takes some practice to get it right, but I’ll try to simplify it.

First, if you only do one thing, tuck your chin. Some advice that’s helped me is to “look at your navel.” Why? Well, when you hit the ground, your head is likely to snap back like a whip and hit the ground. And that is worse news than a new strain of ebola COVID. By tucking your head, you’ll tense those neck muscles, and keep Mr. Back of the Head from becoming bosom buddies with Mr. Sidewalk.

Now, once you’ve got the head tuck mastered, the next thing to do is give a nice shout when you hit the ground. Go on, don’t be afraid … let it all out. (This should feel natural, since the impact of hitting the ground will sort of surprise you.) The reason for this is a shout will cause you to expel your air, thereby reducing the size and pressure of your lungs, which will, in turn, reduce the pressure and interior impact to your torso. You’ll know if you mess up: the inside of your chest will feel itchy. As weird as that sounds … you’ll know what I mean when it happens. Most people, in lieu of shouting, will just sharply exhale, but in my experience, if you do that, you’ll end up holding back. Let it all out! Shout!

Third, slap the ground with an open hand, ideally at a 45 degree angle to your body. I know the last thing you want to do is spank cement with your hand, but doing so disperses the impact better than if you absorb it all onto your back. Make sure your hand hits around the same time the rest of your body does (which is why I said earlier this can take practice) because your initial instinct will be to reach out and catch yourself, but this can concentrate all the impact on the arm, which could lead to a fracture.

Anyway, this is worth practicing at home. Not only can it help you in a fight, it can also help you if you slip on the ice during winter. Start by lying flat on your back, then try it from a crouching position, then standing, and when you feel confident, you can jump up a little and try it while falling. Of course, be smart, and make sure you have a nice, soft surface for falling. And don’t blame me if you get hurt doing it wrong.

2. Standing back up

British punk band Chumbawumba knows what it’s about. Because when they get knocked down, they get up again. You ain’t never gonna keep them down. And you should follow their advice. Remember, ground fighting is a tough game to win, especially if you have minimal training, so your goal is to get back up as soon as possible.

Only it’s not always that easy. If the other guy is down there with you, it might be easier. But much worse is when the other person is standing. They might try to use your head to practice their field goals with. (That’s a football reference for my non-American friends. And by “football” I mean … “the other football.”) So there are two ways to increase your chances of safely getting back on your feet.

The first way I’ve heard called a “tactical stand up.” This might seem a bit tricky, but you can probably find some video guides on YouTube. Anyway, the gist is that you plant one forearm and the opposing foot on the ground (so your right arm and your left foot, for example.) Meanwhile, you use the other foot and hand (your left hand and right foot, in this example) to kick away and ward off any uncoming attacks as you rise from your forearm unto your hand, then take your floating leg (the right) and swing it underneath you so you’re in a crouching position … which you can then turn into a stand.

The other way is you can do a backwards roll: toss your legs and feet up, and back over one shoulder, riding the momentum to roll up onto your neck (make sure you’re doing this at an angle and not straight back or you might end up with a vicious neck kink) then onto your knees, rising into a guarding position. It’s fun.

3. Read my other guide.

In this guide I give a lot of advice that applies to ground situations, as well. I’ll sum it up here: Always be aware of any ways you can use your hands, feet, elbows, knees, and forehead to strike back at your opponent. If he really has a mind for wrestling, he might forget about the possibility of a counter-strike and leave himself wide open. Also, keep an open mind for any ways you can escape holds. For example, is your face in the dirt as he pushes on your elbow? Instead of trying to win in a battle of strength by trying to wrest your hand back from him, just bend your knees into your chest and stand up. Is he laying on top of you? Instead of trying to sit up, try sliding out to the side. (Easier said than done, but it’s just an example.) Thinking outside the box is key in these situations. The wrist release will also help you on the ground because a lot of guys will end up trying to grab and control your wrists.

Something I mentioned in my previous article, and something that bears repeating here is the concept of proportionality. Remember that if he’s just trying to pin you, and you try gouging his eyes out so they’re dangling from their optic nerves, perhaps clicking against each other like a Newton’s cradle, then that’s going to propel the fight to a whole new deadly level. So gauge carefully how hard you go.

3.a. Push on his face.

This is illegal in judo … and that’s usually a good sign: Judo has rules designed to encourage players to use showier, more difficult techniques, while discouraging easy moves. But: If you move the head, the body follows. So push on that face and move it away from you, and, as R.E.O. Speedwagon suggests, just keep pushing. I guess you could also just punch the guy in the face, depending what your game is.

4. Use every limb you can.

Along those lines, remember you’ve got two hands and two legs (most of us), so use as many of them as you can whenever you can. Instead of letting a leg just sit there, wrap it around his, or use your knee to push him away. Use one arm to prop yourself up to a sitting position while the other pushes on his face. Whatever. Use all the tools you have.

5. Don’t forget to grab fabric.

In jiu-jitsu there are two kinds of combat: gi and no-gi. The gi,of course, is the traditional karate pajamas that are worn in many kinds of martial arts. Many jiu-jitsu techniques incorporate the gi into their maneuvers and, while many are a bit too complicated to learn here, the takeaway lesson is that pant legs and shirt sleeves can provide valuable handholds for times when you want to move someone’s arm or leg into a different position. Do be careful about actually sticking your fingers in their sleeves or pant legs as, I’m told, they can get twisted around your fingers and break things, but otherwise feel free to dig those grubby nubbies of yours into Levi’s and Croft-and-Barrows in order to control your opponent.

And if your opponent is shirtless and wearing shorts? Well, now you know why people also practice no-gi fighting.

6. Protect your back.

One of the first tips anyone will teach you in jiu-jitsu is to never expose your back to your opponent. … There are exceptions, such as the infamous “turtle position,” but that’s a topic for another day. In general, though, when your opponent takes your back, he’ll latch on like a monkey on the back of a politician’s son, then proceed to try to choke you. Or, if he’s a more straight-to-the-point kind of guy, he’ll just go for the back of your head and practice his football kick. (This time, I mean the international kind of football: “soccer,” for my American friends.) We’ll talk about what to do if you mess up and he does take your back, later.

7. Learn to shrimp.

You’ll find out in a second why it’s called that. And again, you’re probably better off searching for a video of this. But anyway, this is a special method of movement on the ground. To do it: Lie on your back, then turn to your side while thrusting your butt out behind you. Most BJJ or judo athletes will also hold their arms in front of them, using them to push against an opponent’s shoulders or body.

This technique is generally used as a means of escaping someone atop you. By moving your butt and hips out like that, you basically slide your body out from underneath them: a task that would normally be impossible with him just laying on top of you. Additionally, it creates space enough for you to get to your knees and shins between you and your foe, and the value of this will be covered in our next tip.

Now, don’t think this is magic: There’s a lot more involved in escaping, but this is a good place to start when stuck on the ground.

8. Keep your legs between you and your opponent … until you can stand.

Easier said than done, as practice will make abundantly clear any time you go against a trained fighter who just tosses your legs aside like they’re nothing, then pins you. But, as long as those mud stompers are between you and him, he can’t reach your body or your face.

A common move in grappling arts is the full guard, in which the combatant on the ground actually wraps his legs around the waist of the other guy, and believe it or not, this is considered not only a safe position, but often a desired one since, again, having those legs between him and his opponent keeps him from being pinned.

However, don’t feel too safe in either instance. It’s only a matter of time before the other guy gets past your legs, and pins you. Additionally, defending with an opponent in your guard works in judo because punches to the jimmy aren’t allowed. But in a real fight anything goes, so follow the advice in item no. 2 and get back to standing ASAP.

9. If you’re in his guard.

Well, if he’s just on the ground with his feet in the air, and you’re standing, then … great! Just turn around, go home and watch Cobra Kai.

Now, if you’re on the ground and you’re in his guard (you’ll be on your knees, with your feet under your butt cheeks—that’s just how these things pan out), don’t get too cocky, and don’t play his game. As a grappler, he’s hoping you’re going to reach out with your arms (in which case he’ll arm bar you) or lean forward (in which case he’ll triangle choke you – more on this later) or just sit there (in which case, he’ll probably do something else, like kick your legs our from under you, or roll around and put you in an oma pilata or something.) So what’s a rookie to do?

Stand up.

I told you don’t play his game. Just stand up. … Now, you have to be a bit careful. When you do this, make sure you come to one foot, then the other, and that both feet are wider than your shoulders. You’re not totally in the free-and-clear yet, and if you’re not careful he can still tangle up those legs and take you down. But do this right, and his legs will weaken, and you can grab his feet or legs and take them off you. If he tries to do some fancy spin-around moves, and if you’re feeling particularly vicious, you can try kicking him, or stomping him like a bug. Keep proportionality in mind.

If, for some reason, you don’t stand, the easiest thing to do is sit there, with your knees open wide (which will give you a good base and prevent him from kicking them out) and don’t move forward. Also slouch a little: just the way they told you not sit in school, with a slight C curve to your spine. And above all, think heavy. If you do this right, you’ll be like a mountain. … Unmoveable, not covered in snow and frequented by Swedish skiers. Again, this takes practice, so it’s easier to just stand up. But I thought I’d throw it in here.

Ooorr you can just punch him in the jimmy.

Part 2: (Slightly) More complicated stuff

Here things are going to get into a bit more detail. While I’m still trying to keep things simple, these involve some slightly more technical concepts. Regardless, they’re worth learning because they’re situations you’ll likely encounter on the ground.

10. Escaping full mount

Full mount is basically the “schoolyard bully” position: you know, the one where you’re on the ground and the other guy is on top of you, buffeting you with his fists, his mittens flopping to and fro as he lands his punches. Anyway, most experts will tell you that if you end up in this position, you’re already in trouble. But there are some ways out, and this method is probably the best. It even works against experienced jiu-jitsu players if they’re having an off day. And do yourself a favor and search for this on YouTube to see it in action. It’ll be a lot more clear.

So here we go. First, if his knees are really deep into your armpits, you’ll have to deal with that. Otherwise, those knees will push your arms up so far that you won’t be able to use them, instead just sort of flopping ‘em around like the little brother in A Christmas Story when he’s in his snow suit. So put the soles of your feet flat on the ground (bending your legs) and your elbows on his thighs, and push as you siddle your hips and scoot away from him a little. Now, once he’s a little bit farther down on you, grab one of his arms. You can grab it by the wrist or, if he’s wearing a long-sleeve shirt, the … well, the shirt. Next, take your leg of the same side of his arm that’s being grabbed (so if you have his right arm, your left leg … keep in mind he’s facing you) and plant your foot so that it’s as close to your hip as possible; your goal is to get it so that it’s close to his knee. Now, you’ve got his arm, and his leg is blocked by yours. While keeping your shoulders and feet on the ground, raise your hips (a move known as bridging) as high as you can, and tip to the side of his that you’re blocking (your left, his right in our example.) He won’t be able to catch himself with his hand, or stabilize himself with his leg, and he’ll tip right over.

Now, this won’t work if he’s down low, trying to arm bar you or something, so you’ll have to wait for the right minute, but it has a pretty good chance of success!

Oh, and if he does this thing where he wraps his legs around yours and digs his shins into yours … just straighten your legs out. That’ll weaken his legs and you can hopefully move them back into position.

Okay, that’s an escape for full mount … but what about side mount, half guard, knee-on-belly, and submarine sandwich guard? (I made that last one up.) Well, those are all things you need to take classes for. But shrimping, detailed above, is a good strategy if you don’t know what else to do.

11. Defending against chokes

…Okay, you messed up. You zigged when you should have zagged, and now you’re getting choked. What do you do?

First of all, understand how a choke works. As a general rule, they don’t suffocate you. … Most of them. Rather, they cut of the carotid artery’s blood supply to your brain, and while that sounds super brutal, basically all this results in is unconsciousness. Well … unless someone continues to hold it afterwards, in which case you’ll start to suffer brain damage and eventually death, but no sense in being a nervous nelly, now, is there? Anyway, not every choke is a good choke, and the first trick is know when it’s time to truly say “Oh, crap.” If uncomfortable and maybe gagging a little, it’s not necessarily time to throw in the towel. Warning signs of a good choke are a feeling of pressure in your head. Kind of the feeling you get when you hold your breath and force all the blood to your head to make your face turn purple. You did that in grade school, right? It feels like that. And if you feel that, it’s “oh crap” time because it takes under a minute for you to go beddy-bye after that. But if you’re just uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean it’s time to panic just yet, so keep your cool.

In any case, since chokes rely on the carotid artery, keeping your chin tucked to your neck, or burying it in the crooks of choking arms is always a good first line of defense. Skilled fighters will have tricks of getting through it, but a little goes a long way. Also, putting the back of your hand to your opposite jawline (right hand to left jaw for instance) can also create a barrier that can stymie many chokes. Don’t ask why, just trust me.

Now, if he’s got his arm wrapped around your neck, he’s probably trying to choke you in the classic “sleeper hold” (guess why they call it that?) or rear-naked choke, the latter term of which isn’t as sexy as it sounds. So first, dig your chin into the crook of his elbow. That’ll create space between your carotid artery and his arm, which will prevent his choke from shutting off the blood supply to your head. Next … try standing! It might be a bit difficult depending on the size of the guy, but that’s why you work out … you do work out, don’t you? If not, start! In any case, when you’re standing, it’ll be a lot harder for him to hang on, or maintain the position he needs for a good choke. Maybe you can even slam him against a wall or something like Andre the Giant does to Carry Elwes in The Princess Bride. … And by the way, that’s exactly the kind of choke I’m talking about, and Elwes’ hold is completely ineffective here … partly because Andre is standing!

If you can’t stand, then try turning towards your opponent so you’re face to face with him. He can’t do a sleeper choke in that position. Make sure, though, that if he’s choking you, you turn the correct direction! You’ll know it’s the wrong direction if the choke feels tighter when you turn; just stop and go the other way. And by the way, this strategy—of turning face-to-face with a choking opponent—works for many other kinds of rear chokes, too.

In the event he’s got you on your side, and he’s latched on to your back, shift your butt out and put it on the floor. This will end up putting you sort of face up towards the ceiling and, since he was on your back, now he’ll be on your side. You can continue rotating so you’re facing him. He might have his legs wrapped around you, though, so you might have to reach down and try to grab his legs so you can open them.

Also, as usual, keep in mind you can strike by smashing the back of your head into his nose, elbowing him in the ribs, or more. If your opponent is smart or lucky, he might know how to position himself to minimize the damage from these attacks, but it’s an option.

There’s also the triangle choke. This happens when your opponent gets his legs around you, and one of your arms is sticking through his legs (in front of his body) and the other is behind his legs (in front of his thigh’s underside.) It’s a classic move, but to the uneducated doesn’t seem like something that can choke you, and that’s why it’s so insidious.

The first step to avoiding the triangle choke is to make sure, when his legs are wrapped around your body, that both your arms stay on the same side of his legs. This is easier said than done, as he’ll likely have some tricks for getting one in and one out. This is why, when in guard, you want to stand up. (See tip 9.)

If he does get you in a triangle choke, and you happen to be in his guard, you can quash it if you act soon enough by posting your hands on his abdomen (be careful he doesn’t grab them!) and looking up at the ceiling. Don’t rise up on your knees, since that will raise your center of gravity and make it easy for you to be swept: Keep a strong base while driving your nose up at the ceiling. Think head and nose up, lower body and hands down. That should make it difficult for him to get a grip.

However, if you’ve totally messed up, and he’s outright triangle choking you, and you feel the pressure building in your head, get him on his back, come up to your feet (but with him still on the ground; you’ll probably have a wide-legged stance and be bending over), and drive forward, so that you’re bent over and your face is over his. At this point, he should be rolled up on to his neck, with his legs still around you. But in this position, it’s a lot more difficult for him to apply the pressure needed to execute the choke. You can also apply our body weight downward to put even more pressure on him. If you do it right, this should buy you some time. It’ll be difficult to escape from this position unless you get vicious and start punching or slamming, but at least the blood will be able to flow to your brain.

12. Defending against arm bars

Another issue you might encounter on the ground is arm bars. Not as enjoyable as candy bars, or ice cream bars, or sports bars, but maybe better than behind bars. For the beginner, this will seem like a maneuver designed to break someone’s arm, but it’s not; rather, it’s an attempt to dislocate the elbow or shoulder joint. This is why it’s allowed in judo, jiu-jitsu, and other sports: because dislocations are much easier to recover from than fractures. You still should treat them as a danger, and you don’t want to go messing around with them, and you probably won’t be able to continue a fight if one happens, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Like chokes, the best way to escape an arm bar is not expose yourself to the technique in the first place. Always be mindful of reaching your arm out far in order to grab an opponent. There are exceptions, of course, like when pushing away his face (detailed above) but in general, try to keep a nice bend to your arms. In the event your opponent grabs your wrist and starts to do something funky, BEND that arm in, pronto!

In the event you are arm barred, again, you’re probably up the creek. There are some defenses, but as you guessed, they’re very situation-specific and not suitable for this guide. So instead, here are some general tips that might help you survive.

First try bending your arm in a different direction, and lateral to the direction of force that’s being applied. For example, if he’s applying an arm bar that aims at keeping your arm out in a straight line—in this case, we’ll say your arm is straight with your elbow facing the ground—instead of just trying to beat his strength and bend it back, try pivoting your arm at the shoulder. This will cause your elbow to bend and shift out to the side—pointing towards your toes, and thereby helping you escape. Conversely, if he’s applying a bent-arm arm bar, trying straightening your arm or pivoting it so it inverts. Any sort of movement contrary to what he’s trying to do can throw a wrench in his plans.

Another strategy is to grab your wrist or fist with your other hand. I know, rocket science, right? But believe it or not, it’s easy to forget this simple strategy, and the extra resistance it affords can help keep your opponent from getting his wish. Of course, if he’s good, he’ll have arm-barred you in a way so that you can’t do this, but hopefully he’s not that good.

Finally, instead of trying to take your arm back, move your body to your arm. Sometimes people panic so much thinking about reclaiming their arm, they don’t consider the other ways they can move. You can see this principle in action most clearly with the classic ground arm bar, where you are on your back, as is your opponent, with your arm between his legs as he pulls down on your arm. Simply reach up, grab your own wrist, and use it as handle to pull yourself up. Again, if he knows what he’s doing, he’ll have some tricks to keep you down, but it shows you how this principle works.

And what about other kinds of locks? Leg locks, wrist locks and the like? Well, a lot of these same principles apply: grab your foot or hand, move in the direction of the limb, etc.

And as usual, don’t forget you can punch.

Sore Made!

(That’s what referees say in a judo when a match is over.) So that’s a lot of information, and you probably feel like you just finished drinking from a fire hose. The bottom line is: keep your chin tucked when you go down, try to stand up as soon as possible, tuck your chin and mind your arms to protect from chokes and arm bars, keep your legs between you and your opponent, and always be thinking of outside-the-box ways you can move or strike in order to get out of tricky situations on the ground. Good luck, and stay safe!

Be honest with yourself: Do you want to fail?

First post of the new year! You know, I’m not big on new year’s resolutions. In my opinion, they’ve sort of become a running joke within western culture: the idea that everyone begins the new year with hopes and aspirations, only to bid them farewell not a month later when apathy takes control. It’s actually a pretty dysfunctional mindset, if you think about it. In addition, I’ve always felt like a person doesn’t need a magical time to start improving himself. Saying you need to start on the new year makes you think like you have to wait for the right moment, and for procrastinators, that’s bad business. But, the new year is a time to talk about change, and so that’s a good segue in this week’s (short—but important!) article on improvement.

Once again, I was talking to my overweight and lonely friend whose pseudonym I can never remember. He mentioned he was thinking about getting back into an exercise routine again. I gave him some advice, but something sort of occurred to me. He’s done this many times in the past, and fallen off the wagon every time: diets, workout routines, and the like. He’ll get into a habit, then it falls off. I always attributed it to weak willpower, but then something else occurred to me. He might secretly want to fail.

“What kind of sense does that make?” you might be thinking. “Do you think someone really wants to be out of shape and lonely?” Well … yeah, kinda. But I think it’s on a deeper psychological level than he realizes. Let me explain.

Jeff (his name is going to be “Jeff” in this segment) has bad habits. He sits around all day, eats junk, and doesn’t exercise. And for the most part, he’s miserable. But he’s also comfortable. There’s a chance that if he pushes himself, eats better, works out, and learns new things, he’ll be happier in the long run, but this is uncomfortable to him and, while his spirit might desire a better life, his body is perfectly happy being where it’s at. And if he improves? Well, that means now he has to keep working: He has to keep exercising, keep practicing the guitar, keep getting off his ass and going outside when he could be sitting in his recliner going down a research rabbit hole that begins with Valerie Bertinelli and ends with the Lindberg baby kidnapping. And so, when his spirit and mind get tired of being mediocre, he kicks things into a bit of a higher gear and tries to better himself, but … doesn’t really do it to a degree that’s effective. He fails, and then he’s able to sit back and say, “Well, at least I tried. But it didn’t work, so I guess it’s okay to sit here and not try at all. … So now that I’m done with Valerie Bertinelli, let’s check out Sally Fields.” This gives justification for his weak will and bad choices, and in this way he’s able to have his cake (perhaps literally) and eat it too: He gets to be lazy, while at the same time having a logical reason for being so.

Now hopefully you see the problems with that. If not, let me elucidate. The problems are that, 1. He’s wrong: he can succeed if he just figures it out, and 2. You’ve never failed unless you give yourself permission to fail. (You can read about that more in my article on the fighting spirit.)

So what’s to be learned from this? Well, if you’re seeking self improvement (and you always should be), be aware of this method of self-handicapping. If you’re really having trouble, ask yourself it you’re really trying, or if you’re trying just hard enough so that you can fail and feel justified in quitting. If you think it might be the latter, then it’s time to take off the kid gloves, double down, and start kicking some ass.

Okay, but what if it’s the first one? What if you’ve been making a sincere effort, but you’re not losing weight, or you’re not getting more dates, or you’re not getting a good job. Then what?

Well, you tell me. What’s better, to just give up or to keep trying? You know, Narcotics Anonymous (not Einstein, to whom some falsely attribute the quote) once said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and I think there is some wisdom to that, BUT … I think they’re also kind of wrong. Because, look: If you keep trying, yeah, you’ll probably fail. But if you give up, then you will fail. Now that being said, I would say that perhaps you might want to look at changing your method, but if you’ve exhausted all variables, well, the only thing to do is persist. That’s really all you can do. Hey, don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s easy. Sure, it’s easy some of the time for some of the people, but don’t expect it to be easy for you. As I’ve said several times in my blog, none of my advice is guaranteed to be a silver bullet for your problems: just things to make them easier and give you a better outlook.

But let’s get back on track. For those of you with the mind to make some changes this year, do it … but beware of the temptation to fail: that secret voice whispering in your ear telling you to try just hard enough so that you won’t have to succeed. And when you hear that voice, ignore it.

Thanks for reading. And a bit of an update: My previous articles on martial arts seems to have been pretty popular, so I’m currently working on a crash course in ground fighting and grappling, which I hope to have rolled out sometime in the next few weeks. It’s turning out to be a real beast of an article. Stay tuned!

So You’re Afraid of Talking to Girls

Are you one of those guys who has a hard time talking to women? Does starting up a conversation with a pretty girl seem about as easy solving a calculus test while blindfolded? If not … then you can probably skip this article. But if you are, you’re not alone; others share your plight, and I, personally, have yet to hear any solid advice about it. That’s probably because—and here’s the bad news—there isn’t any one, easy answer to this problem. However, there are a few kernels of wisdom that hopefully can help things a little.

First of all, know that your problem is very real. But often, people pass it off like it’s no big deal: “You just have to have confidence, bro,” or “You just gotta go talk to ‘em … bro.” At face value, that’s actually not bad advice, really, but for anyone who’s truly afraid of girls, this is much easier said than done. Your brain knows what you have to do, and that the stakes of failure are pretty low (a girl saying “no” is far from the worst thing in the world) but if you’re truly afraid of talking to women, even though your brain knows what to do, your heart and your feet have very different opinions—having a girl in front of you that you want to talk to might as well be like climbing Mt. Everest during Yeti season. You just feel like you can’t do it. What’s worse is the notion that maybe this girl is the one! This could be your future wife, if you’ll just talk to her! … And yet, you can’t. And that’s the most maddening part. Every ride on the subway, every trip to a coffee shop can turn into an agonizing trial of watching true love slip through your grasp as you stand by helplessly.

Sounds crappy. Can’t say I can relate.

Just kidding. As you can see, I totally understand the experience. And I’m a pretty logical, get-business-done kind of guy! Normally for this sort of thing, my advice would be, “Stop being a wimp and just do it,” but as someone who’s experienced it, I know that all the common sense and courage in the world sometimes just doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, there’s no magic solution to your problem. Just like there’s no solution to being bad at math, or having a short attention span, or getting weirdly turned on at the thought of being kidnapped by lizard women who force you to become one of the “breeders” … okay, maybe that last one is oddly specific. Anyway, there is no magic solution to your problem: like any other difficulty you might have to contend with in life, it’s not so much a question of getting rid of it; rather it’s a question of bringing it down to manageable levels.

Now the good news. It is manageable. Here’s some advice that I hope will help.

First, let’s put your problem into perspective. Are you really afraid of talking to girls? At first, you might say, “What are you talking about, I find myself almost physically unable to walk up to a girl, that’s how terrified I am.” But think about this: Are you afraid of talking to your mother or sister? (And I’m assuming your mom is normal, not like that “No wire hangers!!!” lady from that one movie.) Here, you’re probably saying, “Yeah, but that’s different! She’s my mom!” … Yeah, but still a female. So clearly, it’s not that you’re afraid of talking to women. You can do it, you just need a situation in which you feel comfortable enough.

Let me sidetrack by telling you a quick story of two gladiators, Gaius and Maximus. Whenever Gaius fights a one-on-one fight, he always loses. Maximus, however, often wins. This makes Gaius think of himself as a substandard fighter. Then one day, Gaius fights in a multi-combatant free-for-all. He finds that the ability to use the chaos to his advantage, combined with his superior endurance, results in him winning the fight, while Maximus struggles. Who, then, is the more successful fighter? It turns out that both are adept depending on the situation. If Gaius is smart, he’ll enter more free-for-all fights and perhaps stay away from one-on-one combats. If he does this, he’s likely to be quite successful. Sometimes knowing your strengths is the key to success.

So what does this have to do with talking to women? Well, in my experience, when a lot of guys think about talking to girls, what usually comes to mind is bars/clubs and chance public meetings (talking to strangers in stores, etc.) Now, it’s true these situations can yield results, and a wise man will utilize every chance available in his search for love (provided he has the guts), but unless you’re extremely charismatic, your odds here are pretty low. This is especially true in bars where, if you’re the kind of guy who has trouble talking to women in the first place, you might not exactly fit in with the crowd.

So the trick, is, then, to put yourself in situations where you can talk to women more easily. Like Gaius, you don’t want to be playing someone else’s game … you want to be playing the game you’re best at. And what game that is is kind of up to you to figure out. Of course, an obvious place is online. This gives you ample time to think about responses without having to worry about all the other stuff, like your facial expressions, or if your overactive sweat glands are starting to kick in again. But also keep your eyes out for other things, too. Look for local gatherings were you can meet people in situations that showcase your talents. There was one time where I found a group of over-30 singles who met for brunch ever Sunday. This was a really good way for me to socialize in a more relaxed atmosphere than a club. If you’re religious, you can look for church gatherings, etc. Try taking fitness classes … or dare I say, martial arts. Or, just make sure you go to every party your friends throw: sometimes you can meet new people at those.

Now, the wise will be quick to point out the old adage: “Don’t crap where you eat.” Sometimes when you find a group that tends to be a comfortable place for you to meet people, you might find that it’s too easy for you to talk to women, and if you’re not careful, you might get the reputation of that guy who’s always hitting on the new girls who come to Thursday board game nights. Then again, sometimes you have to put your own goals ahead of the opinions of others. In any case, if you’re in this situation, mission accomplished, you’re talking to women without fear!

But what if there are no such social situations in your town? This can be a problem in less metropolitan areas. Well, as the saying goes: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Try creating your own! You can perhaps expect failure, but you never know: you might get something going. A friend of mine did just this very thing, so I’ve seen it happen. With enough effort, and a bit of promotion, you might be able to start something big … and that level of initiative and leadership looks great to any prospective girlfriends.

But now a little reality check. I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s easy. Just … easier. Hopefully, though, you’ll manage to find a time and a place where you can be charismatic and talk to women with less stress, and even polish up your skills for some of those harder situations, like bars. And also, let me stress that I don’t recommend you completely give up on some on the harder social situations (again: clubs, cafes, and the like). When it comes to finding love, you want to try your best to utilize every resource you can. Just don’t beat yourself up if you’re not great at it, and realize it’s not your best playing field.

In any case, if the thought of talking to girls makes you more nervous than a hotdog in front of Takeru Kobiyashi, know that: A. You’re not a wimp, B. You still have to deal with it anyway, and you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and C. Thankfully, there are some ways to put yourself in situations that are more conducive to your success. So like any wise warrior, be brave, but also know on which battlefield you fight your best. Good luck to you.

Oh—there’s one other way to put yourself in some situations where you might feel more comfortable talking to women, but that involves traveling to other countries, and carries with it its own field of hazards, strategies, and prejudices to navigate. We’ll talk about that in our next article! Stay tuned!

The Importance of the Fighting Spirit

I’ve lived in Asia for over 10 years now, so I think that kind of makes me an expert on it. … Although one could argue that I’ve had a brain for over 40 years (some would dispute that), but that doesn’t make me a neuroscientist. Oh well. Anyway, the point is, my foreign perspective has given me some insights into Asian culture that the region’s own citizens don’t always see. And one of those insights is JUST WHAT A BUNCH OF FRIGGIN’ WIMPS EVERYONE Isjust kidding. But in all seriousness, there does seem to be a marked lack of … well … what I’d call “The Fighting Spirit.” A casual glance at statistics is enough to get an inkling of this. The region tends to have both the highest suicide rates and the lowest fertility rates in the world. Admittedly, the fertility problem could be due to environmental factors, or the desire to offset the high cost of living, but just go with me on this one. The area also tends to have a very low crime rate, and that’s a good thing of course! But keep in mind that one cause of crime rates is people fighting, and if you don’t have a fighting spirit, you surely won’t fight. And I see this in some of the schools I’ve worked at. During many years of teaching, I’ve only seen one very tiny scuffle the whole time. People I’ve talked to will claim that bullying in Asian schools actually is a significant problem, but I don’t know: when I was a kid, you’d see a few fights every year, as opposed to a one in about a decade. I suppose a lot of it nowadays takes place online, or more covertly, but we’re not going to get too deep into this subject. The point is, it’s less prevalent than in the West. Again, this might sound like a positive thing, especially from an American standpoint where we’ve had some kids walk in and shoot all their classmates; however, this lack of fighting spirit also extends itself to life effort. Forget what you’ve heard about how studious Asian students are: if a subject or an assignment is too difficult for them, they simply give up. I know, I know, we’ve all done that in school once or twice, too, but in my experience, it usually goes hand-in-hand with at least struggling to succeed: going to the teacher’s office, seeking help from tutors, and so on. With a lot of the instances I’ve seen, these kids give up before they even try. It’s hard to say why this is, but one theory I have is that it’s sort of a cycle: The low crime rate means students never learn the value of fighting and therefore never have their inner fire lit.

Compare this to my upbringing. I wouldn’t say I was bullied per se, but if I didn’t keep my head down, and didn’t follow the Rules of Being Cool, I’d probably end up with my underwear pulled so far up my butt crack it would require surgery to get it back out again. But I was an odd kid who really didn’t have anyone to rely on for guidance on how to act, not to mention a pretty nasty case of obsessive compulsive disorder (let me tell you that nervous ticks don’t exactly score you popularity points), and all of this led to a pretty frustrating youth. So that’s bad, but here’s the thing: I made it work for me. I let all my failures and embarrassments ignite a fire in me. Whenever someone made me feel like garbage or ashamed, I’d look back at it and say, “Never again.” And so I began to think of ways to better myself. Returning readers might know the spiel by now: I started lifting weights, and learning martial arts. I began to learn the value of strength, and persistence. And every time I failed at something: be it a karate tournament, a math test, or even level 6 in Castlevania (I mean, really: clock gears AND medusa heads? Come on!) I’d tap into that hatred of failure and use it to push me even harder. … This also led to a few broken Nintendo controllers, but I did end up beating level 6.

Now this isn’t to say you should expect to win all the time. Sometimes our pop culture misleads us a bit. We’re told that, when we’ve been beaten down, if we just try really hard, we’ll “go Super Saiyan” and end up finding the hidden strength to beat whatever challenges us. And I’ve found many times that sometimes I’ve been put up against a task, an opponent, or whatever, that I just can’t beat. But that doesn’t mean I throw in the towel.

Here’s the thing: at the end of the day, there’s only one person that can make you a loser. It’s not Tim, the school bully. It’s not Kelly, that girl who’s kind of hot, but mean. It’s not all the guys in your Jiu-jitsu class who can put you in a triangle choke despite all the training you’ve put in: Steve, Randy, John, Tyler, Jill, Josh, Peter, 9 year-old Gage … okay, let’s face it, Jiu-jitsu isn’t exactly your strong suit … anyway, the only person that can make you a loser is YOU. It’s totally possible that no matter how hard you try at something, you will fail. But it’s only when you stop trying, when you bend over and let life have its way with your backside, that you’ve become a loser. But if you give it your best shot and go down with a bullet in your chest and a cigar clenched in your teeth as your machine gun discharges its last few rounds into the sky, then guess what, buddy, you’re still a champ.

Let’s go back to Asia. Specifically, Korea. Korea celebrates a historical figure named Ahn Jung-keun. Without digging too deep into history, Ahn (as I understand it), in an attempt to stave of the Japanese annexation of Korea in the early 1900s, assassinated the prince, as well as several high-ranking Japanese officials. While he did succeed in his assassination attempt, he failed to stop Japan from taking over Korea, and he was later executed. So one could argue that he ultimately failed in his attempt. Without getting into politics and whether or not assassination attempts make one a freedom fighter or a terrorist, let’s just say that almost all Koreans still celebrate Ahn to this day. In other words, people don’t focus on whether he succeeded or failed, but rather how he fought.

Well, okay. That’s fine when it comes to assassinations, but how does that help you with math class, or your job? Let me demonstrate with an example from my own life.

When I was studying Arabic in the military, I began full of hope and vision. After all, I was good at English, so why wouldn’t I be good at other languages? … FAMOUS LAST WORDS. As time passed, I began to notice that other students in my class knew answers to questions that I couldn’t even guess at. And then I started failing tests … despite my best efforts! Little by little, the sickening realization that I sucked at Arabic began to dawn on me. This was particularly devastating, I might add, because, while I had become resigned to the fact that I wasn’t good at math, or sports, or talking to girls, or fixing things, or video games, or tying my shoes, or dressing myself in the morning … okay, I’m getting ridiculous here but you get the idea … I had at least always prided myself in my lexical abilities. And now it turned out I wasn’t even good at that. But the only thing I loathed more than myself at that moment was the concept of giving up. So I kept pushing ahead.

Now I should mention that the school’s policy was that, if a student failed two tests, he was removed from the foreign language program, effectively missing out on some pretty sweet pay bonuses. Well, guess what: I failed two. … But then my teachers took me aside, told me they liked my attitude, and let me try again. Long story short, I passed. Meanwhile, a few other students—who were actually better than I was—failed and got expelled from the program! In othe words, it was my attitude, my fighting spirit, that caused me to succeed where others more proficient than I had failed. So here’s the lesson: If you have that fighting spirit, even if you’re not the best and brightest, the world will make a way for you, because the world loves a fighter. But if you’re not going to fight at all, you can expect that no one will lament your absence because people have their own problems to worry about—they’re not going to bust their humps for someone who isn’t even going to make his own effort to succeed!

Of course there are always exceptions. Not everything is worth trying hard at! I’ve had jobs or udertaken hobbies that I’ve largely failed at and, for one reason or another, decided that they weren’t worth the effort, and so quit. There’s something to be said for knowing when to throw in the towel, and there are also times when, despite your attitude, you’ll just plain fail outright. But don’t ever let life grind you down. Don’t ever give up on improving yourself just because you think you’re a loser.

And there you have it. Don’t be surprised if you lose. The movies are wrong; sometimes the bad guys win. But when you do lose, don’t give it up. Use that failure to find your inner resolve and use it push ahead. And don’t be surprised if you fail again! And that’s okay, too. It only stops being okay once you completely give up, because there’ll always be people to help stoke your fire as long as it still burns.