Trouble Talking to Girls, part 2: Should you try dating abroad?

Last week I gave a few strategies for guys who have a hard time talking with women. The gist of it was that, while there’s no magic answer, a shy guy (not the Super Mario Bros. 2 villain) can make things a bit easier on himself by placing himself in an environment that better suits his personality. Now today we’re going to talk about a bit of a different, and perhaps more drastic, and perhaps even more controversial, strategy.

But first let’s talk about Charisma Man.

Charisma Man is a character created by Larry Rodney in the late ‘90s for a Japanese expat magazine, according to … “Not Wikipedia … Magazine … Monthly … Quarterly.”

Okay, I ripped that off of Wikipedia. What do you expect for a free amateur blog? Anyway, the idea here is that there’s an uncharismatic, socially awkward guy who goes to Japan, where he’s suddenly viewed as capable and attractive by the women there.

As someone who left his home in America to work in Asia, I can say Rodney hit the nail squarely on the head. You see, the less westernized a country is, the less likely they are to pick up on aspects that might preclude a man from seeming attractive in his home country. For example, that tattoo on your arm that says, “Only God can juge me,” and that Social Distortion t-shirt that was cool 13 years ago? Nooo problem, buddy. Add on to this a layer of exoticism, and you end up with a vastly more navigable dating scene. Of course, that isn’t to say it’s easy, but there are substantially fewer social nuances that get in the way of meeting people.

Now this isn’t exactly a secret, and westerners in the know often view this as, well … dating on “easy mode.” Forget any notions of jet-setting international playboys; men who travel to other countries for dating purposes are often viewed with some degree of scorn by other members of the international community … who likely are guilty of the same thing, themselves, but that’s a whole other discussion. And then there also stereotypes to deal with: I married a Korean woman, but this was simply due to the fact I wanted to travel and try a different job, and she happened to be in the wrong right place at the right time. But I’m sometimes labeled by women from my own country as a sort of Asian fetishist. … That’s not true, because my wife refuses to wear that outfit. … It’s … she says the fur makes her skin itch. In any case, at the end of the day, you have to look out for Number One, and damn what others think.

The truth of things is, though, if you have difficulty speaking with women … you might want to spend a year or two abroad. Not necessarily Asia, though that’s probably a good place, since there are a lot of interesting things to experience there and, oh yeah, the women are absolutely gorgeous. (Okay, maybe I am a bit of an Asian fetishist.) But regardless of where you go, it’s likely you’ll encounter much-lower-stress dating situations, as well as lots of non-bar social situations in which to encounter women who’ll view you as a bit more interesting and a bit less awkward than they might in your homeland. It’ll really give you a chance to hone your dating and social skills and maybe even find true love!

Just keep in mind, though, that it’s not always as easy as people make it seem. For one thing, while it can be easier than dating in your home country, it’s not magic. Some guys, wont as they are to do, tend to … embellish when it comes to their tales of success regarding international dating. Don’t fall for it. You still have to hone your game, you still have to stand out from the competition. It’s just that a lot of the social stress you might normally experience isn’t felt as heavily in these situations. Also, as I said, the benefits of international dating isn’t exactly secret information, and female citizens of many foreign countries are getting used to skeezy foreign men invading their countries in a sad attempt to be playboys. It’s even starting to get to the point where too many weirdos have poisoned the waters to a degree that it’s made it more difficult for guys with the right intentions to meet people abroad. BUT, some things never go out of style: If you have the right mindset, act as a gentleman, and follow some of my advice, you should do okay.

Another thing: If this is a route you take, be honest with your dating intentions, and also make sure you know where the girl stands, as well. If you’re just there to date, make sure they know that so they’re not set up for a disappointment if it doesn’t turn out to be something long term. (And don’t be surprised if you sometimes get the response, “I’m not a tour guide.”) On the other hand, also be aware that sometimes women of other countries string foreign men along with the intention of milking them for money (never mind the fact that you might not exactly be rolling in dough yourself—they think you are), and that, in some countries prostitution is a lot more commonplace than you might think. What might seem like a girl interested in dating might, in reality, be someone out to make a buck. Hey, don’t give me that look, I’m just telling the truth, here.

Well, what about language and cultural barriers? Can they be an issue? Yes, but not as much as you’d think. Trust me, you’ll find a way around it. I did. Now, there can be a few cultural quirks here and there. For example, in Korea they tend to be much less open about different-sex friendships than in the West; if you have a platonic female friend, don’t be surprised if your date is suspicious. And that’s only scratching the tip of the iceberg (is that a mixed metaphor?) I could probably (and maybe should!) write an entire book on that, but they’re all bridges you can cross when you get there, basic manners go a long way to overcoming them, and the greater ease at which you can navigate the dating scene makes up for it all, in my experience. Do note, though, that, when concluding a date, pushing the girl out of the way so you can get the first cab, then shouting “You snooze, you lose,” as you drive away is considered rude in some countries.

Okay, let’s take a minute to talk about everyone’s favorite topic these days: racism! Does your skin color affect your experiences with dating abroad? Well, for the most part, I wouldn’t worry about it. Now, I should point out that I haven’t been everywhere, so it wouldn’t hurt to do a little bit of research just to be safe. I mean, who knows, maybe people in Mongolia just really hate Puerto Ricans for some reason. I’m no expert by any means and an ounce of googling is worth a pound of not getting your ass kicked by anti-Puerto Rican Mongolians. That’s another mixed metaphor, isn’t it? But that being said, in my experience, you should be okay. For the most part, any sort of racial issues abroad are usually born more out of ignorance rather than outright scorn, so you don’t have to worry about people harassing you due to ethnicity, as a general rule. It’s possible it can affect some job or dating opportunities, but every Western ethnic minority I’ve known has still experienced a greater degree of success with dating internationally than he would have in his home country. And it seems to me that, while I’ve encountered some women that wouldn’t date a man because he’s black, middle-eastern, or whatever, I’ve also come across ones who are specifically interested in black or brown men. Even expats with the same racial background as the foreign country (Asians in Asia, for example) do okay. They might get mistaken for being more proficient at the local language than they really are, but they also experience the grace of “having something in common” with the locals, while still maintaining the mystique or a foreigner. Long story short, don’t let your skin color affect your choice here. Well … do be cautious, but don’t let it keep you from traveling altogether.

So if you’re thinking this is something you’d like to try, then how do you do it? Just pack your bags and go? Well, a simple week-long vacation probably isn’t going to do the trick. If you have trouble talking to girls, while dating abroad can be easier for you, the only kind of girl you’re going to meet in that short amount of time is … well, probably the kind you’re not so good at meeting! So you’ll probably need a few months at least. So probably an exchange student program (which is how my nephew met his wife) or work. In the case of the latter, most likely, you’re going to be looking at English work, and most likely teaching … though you might find other things, like web design or business, but I wouldn’t keep my fingers crossed. So English teaching is often your best bet, and again, that’s an article for another time and place.

So can traveling to another country turn you into Charisma Man? Will it be the magic key that unlocks the door to successful dating? … Maybe! I can’t make any guarantees, but if you don’t have anything keeping you rooted, think about it. At the very least, it’ll give you some cool experiences and stories to tell when you get back home.

So You’re Afraid of Talking to Girls

Are you one of those guys who has a hard time talking to women? Does starting up a conversation with a pretty girl seem about as easy solving a calculus test while blindfolded? If not … then you can probably skip this article. But if you are, you’re not alone; others share your plight, and I, personally, have yet to hear any solid advice about it. That’s probably because—and here’s the bad news—there isn’t any one, easy answer to this problem. However, there are a few kernels of wisdom that hopefully can help things a little.

First of all, know that your problem is very real. But often, people pass it off like it’s no big deal: “You just have to have confidence, bro,” or “You just gotta go talk to ‘em … bro.” At face value, that’s actually not bad advice, really, but for anyone who’s truly afraid of girls, this is much easier said than done. Your brain knows what you have to do, and that the stakes of failure are pretty low (a girl saying “no” is far from the worst thing in the world) but if you’re truly afraid of talking to women, even though your brain knows what to do, your heart and your feet have very different opinions—having a girl in front of you that you want to talk to might as well be like climbing Mt. Everest during Yeti season. You just feel like you can’t do it. What’s worse is the notion that maybe this girl is the one! This could be your future wife, if you’ll just talk to her! … And yet, you can’t. And that’s the most maddening part. Every ride on the subway, every trip to a coffee shop can turn into an agonizing trial of watching true love slip through your grasp as you stand by helplessly.

Sounds crappy. Can’t say I can relate.

Just kidding. As you can see, I totally understand the experience. And I’m a pretty logical, get-business-done kind of guy! Normally for this sort of thing, my advice would be, “Stop being a wimp and just do it,” but as someone who’s experienced it, I know that all the common sense and courage in the world sometimes just doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, there’s no magic solution to your problem. Just like there’s no solution to being bad at math, or having a short attention span, or getting weirdly turned on at the thought of being kidnapped by lizard women who force you to become one of the “breeders” … okay, maybe that last one is oddly specific. Anyway, there is no magic solution to your problem: like any other difficulty you might have to contend with in life, it’s not so much a question of getting rid of it; rather it’s a question of bringing it down to manageable levels.

Now the good news. It is manageable. Here’s some advice that I hope will help.

First, let’s put your problem into perspective. Are you really afraid of talking to girls? At first, you might say, “What are you talking about, I find myself almost physically unable to walk up to a girl, that’s how terrified I am.” But think about this: Are you afraid of talking to your mother or sister? (And I’m assuming your mom is normal, not like that “No wire hangers!!!” lady from that one movie.) Here, you’re probably saying, “Yeah, but that’s different! She’s my mom!” … Yeah, but still a female. So clearly, it’s not that you’re afraid of talking to women. You can do it, you just need a situation in which you feel comfortable enough.

Let me sidetrack by telling you a quick story of two gladiators, Gaius and Maximus. Whenever Gaius fights a one-on-one fight, he always loses. Maximus, however, often wins. This makes Gaius think of himself as a substandard fighter. Then one day, Gaius fights in a multi-combatant free-for-all. He finds that the ability to use the chaos to his advantage, combined with his superior endurance, results in him winning the fight, while Maximus struggles. Who, then, is the more successful fighter? It turns out that both are adept depending on the situation. If Gaius is smart, he’ll enter more free-for-all fights and perhaps stay away from one-on-one combats. If he does this, he’s likely to be quite successful. Sometimes knowing your strengths is the key to success.

So what does this have to do with talking to women? Well, in my experience, when a lot of guys think about talking to girls, what usually comes to mind is bars/clubs and chance public meetings (talking to strangers in stores, etc.) Now, it’s true these situations can yield results, and a wise man will utilize every chance available in his search for love (provided he has the guts), but unless you’re extremely charismatic, your odds here are pretty low. This is especially true in bars where, if you’re the kind of guy who has trouble talking to women in the first place, you might not exactly fit in with the crowd.

So the trick, is, then, to put yourself in situations where you can talk to women more easily. Like Gaius, you don’t want to be playing someone else’s game … you want to be playing the game you’re best at. And what game that is is kind of up to you to figure out. Of course, an obvious place is online. This gives you ample time to think about responses without having to worry about all the other stuff, like your facial expressions, or if your overactive sweat glands are starting to kick in again. But also keep your eyes out for other things, too. Look for local gatherings were you can meet people in situations that showcase your talents. There was one time where I found a group of over-30 singles who met for brunch ever Sunday. This was a really good way for me to socialize in a more relaxed atmosphere than a club. If you’re religious, you can look for church gatherings, etc. Try taking fitness classes … or dare I say, martial arts. Or, just make sure you go to every party your friends throw: sometimes you can meet new people at those.

Now, the wise will be quick to point out the old adage: “Don’t crap where you eat.” Sometimes when you find a group that tends to be a comfortable place for you to meet people, you might find that it’s too easy for you to talk to women, and if you’re not careful, you might get the reputation of that guy who’s always hitting on the new girls who come to Thursday board game nights. Then again, sometimes you have to put your own goals ahead of the opinions of others. In any case, if you’re in this situation, mission accomplished, you’re talking to women without fear!

But what if there are no such social situations in your town? This can be a problem in less metropolitan areas. Well, as the saying goes: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Try creating your own! You can perhaps expect failure, but you never know: you might get something going. A friend of mine did just this very thing, so I’ve seen it happen. With enough effort, and a bit of promotion, you might be able to start something big … and that level of initiative and leadership looks great to any prospective girlfriends.

But now a little reality check. I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s easy. Just … easier. Hopefully, though, you’ll manage to find a time and a place where you can be charismatic and talk to women with less stress, and even polish up your skills for some of those harder situations, like bars. And also, let me stress that I don’t recommend you completely give up on some on the harder social situations (again: clubs, cafes, and the like). When it comes to finding love, you want to try your best to utilize every resource you can. Just don’t beat yourself up if you’re not great at it, and realize it’s not your best playing field.

In any case, if the thought of talking to girls makes you more nervous than a hotdog in front of Takeru Kobiyashi, know that: A. You’re not a wimp, B. You still have to deal with it anyway, and you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and C. Thankfully, there are some ways to put yourself in situations that are more conducive to your success. So like any wise warrior, be brave, but also know on which battlefield you fight your best. Good luck to you.

Oh—there’s one other way to put yourself in some situations where you might feel more comfortable talking to women, but that involves traveling to other countries, and carries with it its own field of hazards, strategies, and prejudices to navigate. We’ll talk about that in our next article! Stay tuned!

How (not) to Use Facebook to Impress Girls

Back in the early days of Facebook, I met the girl of my dreams. Only, she was a bit shy and reserved, and a little bit hesitant about meeting me one-on-one. Fortunately, she was willing to friend me on the then-nascent Facebook, and from there, our friendship began to blossom. We interacted with each other, helped one another out in “Mafia Wars” (if you’re too young to remember that, consider yourself lucky), got to know each other’s personalities better, and even started to hang out a little in real life. … But before anything developed from it, she had to move away, then she got married and disappeared off of Facebook.

Crap.

Well, there wasn’t a happy ending there, but my point is, for all the trouble, scams, and narcissism Facebook—and other forms of social media too numerous to count (so I’ll just use the term “Facebook,” since that’s what I’m most familiar with)–causes, it has its uses, and can be a useful way to develop romantic relationships with women: It allows you to interact with them more, and showcase your personality. But it can also do the opposite and insure that they’ll never see you as dating material.

And actually, I’m a bit hesitant to friend anyone on my Facebook that I don’t know well. Even if you do a good job of keeping information private, you’d be surprised what kinds of info people can garner from your account, and the mischief they can cause. And I swear Facebook sometimes switches from “private” to “public” without my permission! But I’m gonna stop myself there before I go off on a rant that makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist/cranky old man. But anyway, before you go adding some girl to your friends list, make sure you really know who she is and that you don’t have any old, embarrassing pictures on your profile.

Got that done? Made sure the girl isn’t crazy, and you got rid of that picture of you pooping behind the couch when you were 2? And also the picture of you pooping behind the couch when you were 24? Good. Next, get rid of the political stuff off your account. And actually, that shouldn’t be a problem, because you shouldn’t be posting that, anyway. Trust me, your scathing memes aren’t going to change anyone’s mind about who to vote for this election cycle. On the other hand, if your goal is to weed out any (fill in the blank of whichever political personality you hate: Trump, Biden, Kanye) supporters, then go for it … but come on, what red-blooded male is going to turn down the chance at scoring some tail over something as unimportant as ideals? Hell, I know some guys who’d date a girl even if she were a card-carrying member of the Joseph Stalin Fan Club: Let’s face it, us guys aren’t exactly rare fruit these days, and women know that. I’m getting off track again.

Okay, you’ve friended a girl you want to date, you’ve made sure your personal information is safe, and you’ve scoured your profile for self-defeating posts. You’re good 2 go. Now it’s time to make sure you don’t make some other mistakes that might push girls away. And for that, we’re going to look at my friend, Daryl, whom I talk about often, but always with different names, because I’m to dumb to remember the name I used in previous posts, and too lazy to look it up. Anyway, Daryl, not exactly having a lot of traits that attract women (and refusing my advice to better himself) often attempts to use Facebook to promote himself to women he’s interested in, in hopes his posts will, as I said earlier, showcase his personality. Only he makes all the wrong decisions! His profile is a sad, cringey, monument to a desperate man. So let’s take a look at Daryl’s profile, what he does wrong, and how not to make those mistakes.

1. It’s highly feminine

Probably the biggest mistake, in my opinion. Most of Daryl’s posts are memes that say things like “Find someone who loves you for who you are,” or things that encourage women to feel good even though they’re massively overweight (I’m being a bit hyperbolic here). You know the ones: The ones that are written in that feminine, looping script, and were taken from a page called “Trugirl Memes” or something. Now, of course his strategy here is to promote himself as a sensitive, caring man, but there are two problems with this.

Number one is that, although sensitivity and caring are important features for a man to have in order to sustain a healthy relationship, it isn’t what initially attracts a woman. It’s something that causes the woman to stay with you, BUT … it isn’t what initially attracts them. … As a general rule; frequent (theoretical) readers might remember that every woman is different, but generally … they’re looking for dynamic, fun, and confident personalities as indicators of a man they want to date. It’s kind of like an auto-parts store calling itself “Good Customer Service Emporium”: while good customer service is important to a business, people looking for auto parts won’t know what the hell they’re selling, and just pass it by.

Second, these posts of Daryl’s reek of desperation. Basically, it’s him saying, “I don’t care how awful you are, I’ll take you!” I mean, let’s be real for a minute here. The concept of accepting someone unconditionally is … well, to put it bluntly, bullshit, and, worse yet, most people who perpetuate that idea know it’s bullshit! I mean, come on: “I don’t want a girlfriend with a smoking hot body” … said no man ever. Okay, again that’s a bit of an overstatement, but you get the idea. But all kidding aside, the bigger issue is this: The whole idea of “accepting someone just the way they are” is A.) completely stupid and B.) largely promoted by people as a means for justifying being lazy. I could probably write a whole article about that (and maybe already have … or will in the future) but of course any person in their right mind wants their significant other to be the best person they can be. It doesn’t mean they have to be supermodels or Ghandis (Ghandii?), and it doesn’t mean they can’t have faults, but accepting someone just the way they are? No. By that logic, a person should be willing to date someone who sits, puddle-like, on a stained recliner all day watching reruns of “Three’s Company” while eating cookie dough right out of the tube. So—it’s bullshit, women know it’s bullshit, and when Daryl echoes those comments, they see that he’s full of bullshit. And that lets them know that A.) he’s insincere, or B.) he has such little regard for himself that he’s willing to accept any woman no matter how awful. And that means he’ll repel any decent woman with self respect, and attract ones that plan on manipulating him.

2. It’s maudlin and self indulgent

Still along the feminine lines: In addition to the “You’re perfect just the way you are—U GO GIRL!” memes Daryl posts, are a plethora of “A true friend doesn’t abandon you” or “You complain about there being no good men, but friendzone all the nice guys, you bitch,” memes.

Danger! Danger! Mission failure imminent!

Bad, bad, decision Daryl. Let’s look at both of these kinds of memes and why they’re not going to get you any girls.

First of all, the “I have no friends” meme. Now, he does have a point with these: A lot of his friends sort of treat him like crap. In spite of all my complaining, he is a decent guy worthy of respect, and people just kind of leave him out in the cold and forget about him a lot. Again, part of this is his own fault, but a lot of it isn’t. I think a lot of these memes are kind of intended to either let people know how crappy they’re being, OR just cries for a bit of sympathy. And there’s really nothing wrong with getting depressed once in a while. However, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too, and if he’s looking to make himself attractive to women over Facebook, this certainly won’t do it. Women aren’t looking for a man who feels bad for himself and, in the process, makes them feel bad too. When a person goes on social media, they’re looking to feel good (or post political views): laugh at cat memes, talk about which Game of Thrones character they’d most likely get murdered by … that sort of thing! Yes, it’s totally realistic for people to want to express their depression, but sometimes getting what you want means putting your own feelings and needs aside from time to time. You want to come off as strong and confident: as someone who can be a foundation for his loved ones during their times of trouble. If you seem like someone who wallows in his own self pity, you’re also going to seem like someone who can’t be relied on when times get tough.

Now, as for the “nice guys, bitch” memes, these just make Daryl seem immature. Again, there is some truth to what he says, and perhaps, in the long run, it’s a message worth considering for women (and perhaps even to those men who sometimes find themselves being a bit too selective with women … in the rarer-than-prime-rib situations that happens), but regardless of the veracity, it’s not going to get you any dates in the short run. It’ll make you seem like a sore loser, a child complaining at not getting what he wants. Again, that’s not entirely true, and I understand the hypocrisy of the world telling men they have to be nice and docile, then contradicting it when women go for the bad boys, but again, what women are looking for is someone who doesn’t complain, and who’s confident with who he is. You want to portray the image of a man who’s figured out his identity, and if his personality doesn’t jive with a girl, she’s free to go off and enter a toxic and tumultuous relationship with someone more “exciting,” while he searches for someone with which he can enjoy a stable, healthy relationship. Also, something that deserves pointing out here is that some particularly vitriolic strains of women look for such complaints from men: Whenever a guy complains about being passed over because he’s too nice, they’re quick to point it out and say “See? Look how entitled they feel!” So yes, it’s frustrating, but suck it up, and don’t give anyone the fuel for criticism. And also … what’s Daryl’s strategy here, anyway? Is he trying to appeal to women (see number 1) or piss them off?

3. It uses old people humor

Daryl is around 40, and he posts jokes that my 80-something parents post. Minion memes, (yes, still), memes of Jeff Dunham’s “Walter” character, awkward puns, and more. I guess this is just one of those things that requires a bit of cultural awareness, which unfortunately, is something that can’t really be taught. I guess you just have to think carefully when you post and be like, “Is this really funny?”

4. He re-posts

Another weird quirk of Daryl’s is that I’ll see the same posts popping up over and over on his page. I think part of this is that maybe he just doesn’t remember posting them, but it seems really awkward when someone tells the same joke over again, doesn’t it? Make sure you’re not re-posting the same stuff. It’ll make you look like you have a bad memory or like you’re the kind of person that will tell the same joke twice. Either way is bad-news bears (Walter Mathau).

5. It’s self-deprecating

Daryl is unhealthily overweight. That’s a story for another day. But then he’ll post memes with such witticisms as “I’m definitely in shape. Round is a shape, right?” or “I forgot to go to the gym today. That makes 8 years in a row now.” Okay, he is on to something here: He’s showing he has a sense of humor about his shortcomings, and that can be a good thing. But you know what would be a better thing? Losing weight in the first place. And make no mistake, Daryl’s weight is totally his own fault. In any case, these memes, combined with the ones discussed in number 2 above, paint a sad and depressing picture of a man.

6. Did I mention it’s feminine?

Seriously. Sometimes he’ll post memes with things that say things like “Sometimes the best date is just sitting at home and cuddling.” Or it’ll be some meme that’s very obviously intended for a woman—like those ones that have a picture of a sassy-looking 1950’s housewife saying that it’s time for more wine. Again, sensitivity in a man is good, but at this point he might as well just tape his weiner between his legs so it looks like he has a vagina. I mean, really. If a woman is looking for a boyfriend, she wants a man.

So what should you do?

Okay, then, you know what not to do on Facebook in order to maximize your chances of impressing girls you friend. But are there any things you can do to impress them? Well … not really. Much like in real life, they’re either going to be drawn to your personality or not. And, I mean, you can try to lie about who are by posting things that make you seem more interesting than you really are (pictures of you standing next to some random guy’s BMW for instance), but eventually that’ll catch up with you when she finds out that’s not what you’re really like. So basically just be yourself, I guess.

BUT …

As usual “Just be yourself” doesn’t mean “Confess all your deepest sins.” Look, use a little bit of discretion. Maybe, for example, you have a deep interest in German splatter horror. It’s not that you’re a crazy psychopath that dreams of torture and murder, it’s just that you like special effects, or maybe you like being scared and unnerved. She can discover that later once she gets to know what a nice and caring guy you are. Until then, it might be best to refrain from posting an image of the final torture scene from Olaf Ittenbach’s The Burning Moon. Use a little bit of discretion.

Actually, true story: I have this running joke that I’ve been keeping up ever since Facebook’s early days when, as a profile picture, I’ll have something crazy, like a brain in a jar, the Tar Man from “Return of the Living Dead,” an Indian snake charmer with a serpent coming out of his nose … just goofy stuff to kind of make fun of how seriously people take Facebook. Well, I happened to friend a girl I was dating once and she thought I was a complete psycho and never wanted to see me again. On one hand, I guess if she’s that boring and humorless, good riddance. On the other hand, a little bit of discretion could have gone a long way here. But as with anything, think before you post.

Just remember: LFO. No, not the ‘90s pop group “Lyte Funkie Ones”: rather, “Light, Fun, Once.” … Okay, you got me, that’s not so much useful advice as an attempt to make a joke at the expense of ‘90s pop group LFO (Lyte Funkie Ones). But I think you get the idea. So in other words, like in life, just be yourself … but don’t be stupid. Oh—also keep in mind that potential employers might try to find you on Facebook too, for the express purpose of making sure you’re not some psycho who watches German splatter horror, or a fan of LFO. So keep that in mind.

You can think of Facebook like a sort of clothing: it shows your style and who you are. So, when you talk to a girl, do you want to be looking your best, wearing some clothes that make you seem confident, capable, and funny? Or do you want to be wearing the same clothes you sit around in during you “no shower days”? Exactly. (I’m assuming you said “confident capable and funny,” not “no shower days”). So keep this in mind when you friend girls you like.

TFTW: Don’t be a Sucker

Once again on Tales from the War, an excerpt from the life of Andy, who just can’t catch a break when it comes to the ladies—though he probably could if he lost some weight. In any case, this story finds us at Andy’s place of employment, Mediocrity, Inc., where a new woman named Kelli has begun working. Of course, this has not escaped the notice of the perpetually lonely Andy, who desperate for companionship, immediately throws himself supine in her friend zone. Now, let’s go back to when I first became aware of this situation, mainly because I’m tired of speaking in present tense.

Andy informed me that Kelli was in a particularly toxic relationship with her live-in boyfriend (which I can only imagine involved arguments about whose turn it was to clean up all the roach-infested empty pizza boxes off the trailer floor), and had decided to move out. Apparently, she had been having trouble for some time, and Andy had, of course, decided to lend a compassionate ear. Now, let’s not give Andy too much sympathy here. If he had’t been lonely, and if Kelli hadn’t had a vagina, I don’t think he would have given a rat’s ass. Why, our mutual good friend, Tom’s, twenty-something brother suddenly died a few years back, and Andy decided to forego the funeral because “He didn’t know what to say.” Yikes. That’s only one step away from standing on the casket and grabbing your crotch while giving the middle finger to the attendees, then stealing the cheese platter on your way out. So it’s not like Andy is a saint, and perhaps you could even argue that when he finds himself in bad relationships, he deserves it, because deep down, I don’t think he’s really sincere. But I’m getting ahead of myself. In any case, Andy had even expressed some concern that he might get targeted by Kelli’s (current? Ex?) boyfriend for possibly encouraging her to leave him, which, thankfully, he wasn’t.

Now, during this time, I advised Andy to forget the whole thing and leave Kelli to deal with her own problems. To some, that might seem like a very heartless attitude to have, but having known Andy for almost twenty years now, as well as the kind of women he encounters (blood-sucking harpies), I was pretty sure this was solid advice. Reserve your judgment for the end of the story.

Well, of course Andy didn’t take my advice. If Andy had a habit of taking my advice, he’d be at least twenty pounds thinner, and also better friends with Tom, who wouldn’t harbor resentment at Andy for skipping out on his brother’s funeral, but whatever. In any case, you can guess what eventually happened: Kelli ended up living at Andy’s place. And of course, Andy was getting zero romance out of this deal.

Again, that might sound like a very pragmatic (read: douchey) thing for me to say, but think about this: if you were a guy in Kelli’s shoes … well, you’d get made fun of for wearing high heels, ah HA HA! But seriously, if you were in her shoes: you left your toxic (I’m giving Kelli the benefit of the doubt here) girlfriend, needed a place to stay, and Tammy the Mouth Breather offered you a place … would you take it? Probably not, because you’d be afraid that there would be some kind of expectation of romance, and things could easily go sour faster than a carton of expired milk under a heat lamp. So you’d probably find a buddy to stay with, offering to pay him some rent, right? Okay, so Kelli was new in town, and maybe Andy was the only place she knew to go to, right? Well, no. See, sometimes Andy’s bad luck actually turns out to be good luck and, due to his cat (and Kelli’s accompanying allergies), Kelli ended up moving out … and into a female friend’s apartment. And did I mention she never offered to pay Andy for rent? Hmmm.

But wait. There’s more!

At some point after moving out, Kelli sent a text to Andy saying that she was “a little short on money,” and was wondering if Andy could lend her $1,000.
A thousand dollars! That’s not “a little short,” that’s Warwick Davis using the miniaturizer from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids short! Well, Andy tends not to be too bright at resisting manipulation attempts, but once in a rare while my advice does break through that thick skull of his, and he refused her. I guess she replied with a sarcastic “thanks,” and that was pretty much the last he ever heard from her. So after all his help, that was it. No “thanks for all your support,” no gift card to Golden Corral … nada.

But wait! There’s more!

Keep in mind I found all this out from Andy. He told me that, things sort having fallen apart for Kelli in his town, her son came from his home state to help her move back home. Yes, you read that right, and the question you’re asking now is the same one I did. “Her son? Helped her … move???” Yep. She had a grown son. Which makes me wonder: just how old is this lady? Should she even still be working? Shouldn’t she be enjoying the golden years, sitting at home in a rocking chair with a blanket spread across her lap and watching old reruns of American Pickers? Now, Andy is no spring chicken himself, but not old enough to have a grown son! Anyway, he went on to tell me that she was a big fan of going to raves.

Raves? What is this, the early 2000s still? Don’t forget to pick up a pair of JNCOs from Hot Topic before you go. Also, how sad is that? A grown woman (at least) in her forties (and that estimate is more generous than Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Day after winning the Powerball jackpot) still going to raves? No aging gracefully here, folks. Also, according to Andy, they’re quite expensive raves, as well. And if she can afford that, she certainly doesn’t need to borrow (I’ll say it again) a thousand dollars! … Actually maybe that’s what the thousand dollars was for. Money well spent. Anyway, apparently after all this was said and done, a female co-worker whom Andy knows told him she and Kelli had a conversation, in which the topic of Andy came up. Kelli apparently labelled Andy as “too old” for a relationship, and was interested in someone in their twenties. Now, my initial response would be: keep dreaming, Gramma. But unfortunately, we live in a time when men feel like they have to take anything with boobs that walks their way, so she probably does manage to get some action for those flabby, flaccid butt cheeks of hers.

But I’m getting off topic. So what is the lesson of this whole story? Well, first of all, I believe that sometimes victim shaming isn’t totally out of line, and a good portion of this was Andy’s fault. You see, Andy has very little sense of self worth. He seems to think that he has so little to offer people, that he has to go out of his way to be as generous as possible … well, unless it comes to people who really care about him, like Tom. Anyway, the bottom line, though, is that he doesn’t have respect for himself, so other people certainly won’t either. Any decent woman most likely won’t want to involve herself with someone who has no self respect, while, on the other hand, the women that will are going to be ones who see it as an opportunity to walk all over him and manipulate him. How is that his fault, you ask? Well, at the end of the day, Andy takes no steps towards bettering himself. He doesn’t exercise, nor does he attempt to learn new skills. In the few rare instances he does manage to get fed up enough with his situation to do so, he always finds excuses to quit. Instead of cultivating relationships with people who care about him, he finds excuses to cancel on them and go to strip clubs. Ultimately, he’s a weak-willed person, but embraces it, because it’s easier than jogging for twenty minutes a day apparently. Now, as I think I’ve pointed out before, self improvement isn’t a silver bullet to all your problems. Sometimes you can do all the right things, but still end up failing. However, if you don’t try at all, you most certainly will fail.

The second thing Andy did wrong was that he wasn’t bright enough to know he was setting himself up for being used. Here’s a good guideline: whenever you do a favor for a gal you’re sweet on, ask yourself: would I do this for a dude? If not, you’re probably being taken for a sucker. Of course, there are plenty of exceptions to this. For example, when I was single, if I had met a reasonably attractive, reasonably sane girl at a party, I would most likely ask for her number, take her out for dinner later, and get the bill. This is because I was seeking a relationship. Now, if I had met a guy of the same caliber, I’d probably think he was cool, but most likely wouldn’t set up a time during the week to hang out, nor would I buy him dinner. But … maybe if he were really cool, I could see myself going out for some kebabs or something, and maybe spotting him a few bucks just to be a buddy. But probably not, because he’s not potential spouse material. But let’s look at Andy’s situation: if some new guy at work were breaking up with his girlfriend and needed a place to stay, would I take him in to my home? No! I mean, sure, that’s too bad for that guy, but that’s the sort of thing I’d only do for a close friend, not some schlub off the street. Sorry, Steve, but I’m not running a charity, here! And you know, I swear Andy must have a sign on his head only women can see that says, “Please tell me about your periods.” For some reason, women always disclose information to him about their monthly cycles. That is so weird. And again, it’s probably not a good sign—I mean, you could argue that it’s a sign they feel comfortable with him—but a woman feeling comfortable with you isn’t always a good sign. Because if they feel too comfortable, it means they have little regard for your opinion of them. I’m sure Kelli felt comfortable asking Andy for $1,000. She probably wouldn’t do that to someone she respected and felt less comfortable asking. Anyway, here’s my point—if a guy were to talk to him about … well, guys don’t have periods, do they. I guess the closest I can come would be if a guy were to suddenly start talking to Andy about his bowel movements: what time of the day he usually goes, how they smell … Andy would tell him to get lost. It is true that sometimes guys who are close friends talk about this sort of thing, but if it were some putz that he just occasionally sees at the bar? He’d probably move to another seat. If some guy you didn’t know that well asked you for money, would you give it to him? No. So you shouldn’t do that for a girl you don’t know either. Ever.

So always be on the lookout for people like Kelli. Cultivate yourself and nourish your sense of self worth. When a girl asks you for a favor, think about if this is a legitimate request or if you’re allowing yourself to be duped. Think more with your brain (and wallet) and less with your heart.

TFTW: Dignity and Empty Sacks

In Star Trek, the Ferengi are a crass race of traders who value money above all else. They have a saying: “Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.” Of course, we laugh because, while dignity very seldom has monetary worth, its intrinsic value is extremely high. But this is all lost on the money-obsessed Ferengi.

Very often this adage applies to the world of dating, and so often I see men acting like the Ferengi, but, instead of involving money, the situation involves women, and I see a lot of guys who end up losing both their dignity and their sacks. So in this case study of Tales From the War, I’m going to give you examples of times when I could have lost my dignity but decided to keep it, why it’s important in the first place, and why the Ferengi are wrong. And you won’t be disappointed; I will make intermittent jokes about sacks, because I have the sense of humor of a middle school student.

Case 1: Jill

I met Jill at a party. I had been talking to some guy, and he knew her. I think he referred to her as a friend of his or something. Anyway, I got talking to Jill, and not only was she really hot, but she could hold a decent conversation and seemed like an all-around pleasant girl. Being the smooth (or lucky) operator that I am, I got her number and set up a date with her for sushi.

Overall the date went pretty well, but unfortunately, I wasn’t totally successful in setting up a second one. Of course, it occurred to me that I might have messed up, but I was still maintaining contact with her, so all wasn’t lost.

Some time later I was at another party, and the same guy from before was there. Jill came up in conversation, and, while I don’t remember the exact words, he made a comment that made me think he, too, had been on a few dates with her, which was a bit surprising, since I thought he was just a friend of hers. Maybe a little more than a friend. In any case, this got under my skin a bit, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. I mean, it’s not like she was my girlfriend or anything, and I certainly wasn’t fixated solely on her, either. Anyway, Jill messaged me a few times and mentioned that she and a girlfriend of hers were on the way to the same party.

I don’t remember what happened to the guy I was talking to earlier (it could have been another party altogether, as far as I know), but I do remember the two girls showed up, and I remember they were both looking good. I ended up at a table chatting a bit with the two of them, which made me pleased as punch, but I soon noticed that they weren’t too interested in me. Jill talked with me a bit, but her friend, I noticed, was looking around the room. Most likely she was on the hunt for guys. Well, after what could have been no more than 20 minutes, Jill bade me goodbye and the two of them left for greener pastures, I guess. Now I was irritated. Hey, I guess I’m not the most interesting person in the world, but that made me feel like a total loser.

I can’t remember what happened after that, but to make a long story short, I eventually came to realize that I was a plan B on Jill’s list. . . . Actually “plan B” might be a bit generous. I was probably more like a plan M or something. In any case, I eventually gave up on ol’ Jill.

But the story doesn’t end there. A year or two later, she got back in touch with me and wanted to meet up.

So, whenever this happens, a guy has to think carefully. On one hand, I kind of felt like, in the past, she sort of put me on a shelf (does that metaphor make sense?) and left me to gather dust. But on the other hand, she never really did anything BAD to me, and also, she was really hot. So I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and meet up with her.

Well, the little date we had went pretty okay. I even broke the touch barrier at one point. She had also had a moderately decent amount of alcohol. In any case, the night ended, and we said our goodbyes. A little while after that, during our post-date texting, she mentioned something about dating. I think it was something to the effect of “I think you might be the kind of guy I’m looking for,” or something like that.

Now, in this situation, I was cautious. You see, as I mentioned earlier, I was pretty sure that, years ago, she sort of sidelined me in favor of a bigger fish (dang it, I’m screwing up my metaphors again). So this was a bit of a warning sign for me. Yes, it was possible that maybe she had suddenly realized what a catch I was, but I’m a little more realistically minded to believe that a simple walk around town, a few beers, and an arm around the shoulder was enough to convince her that I was better than some handsome rich guy which she could probably easily have acquired. Also, it’s my opinion that we men should not appear too eager to jump at the opportunity to date women—especially when it’s one who sidelined us in the past—as this makes us seem desperate, and therefore easy to manipulate. It sets a bad precedent and starts a relationship off on the wrong foot. Now, it’s possible that Jill really was a sweet girl, but I was very cautious about seeming too accessible. So I decided to play the game that women, on occasion, play with men. I told her I needed to consider it for a bit.

Oh—did I also mention that she had had a few beers? She wasn’t outright drunk, but it was obvious the drinks did have an effect on her. This was another reason I was being hesitant.

In any case, her response was generally good-natured. Something like “Okay, haha.” I forget, exactly. . . . Aaaand I also forget what happened after that. I do know that was the last time I saw Jill. I think I was kind of waiting for her to bring it up again. Perhaps a bit of a power play on my behalf, but again, I wasn’t about to make myself look too desperate. I think I felt like, since she had been the one to initially suggest it, it was up to her to bring it up again. I don’t really remember. In any case, things sort of fizzled, and I didn’t hear back from her again for another couple of years, when I was dating the woman who would later become my wife. So at this point, I generally answered her “what’s up?” questions politely, but made no effort to further the conversation. And that was that.

Were my decisions good? Like in most of these articles, it’s hard to say, but I’m convinced it was. Maybe I’m wrong, but at the end of the day, I just felt like I was a second-string player in her dating game, and in such instances, it’s usually best to follow your instincts.

So I failed with Jill, but I still had my sack.

Case 2: Let Me Give You Lessons in Kissing My Ass

Now let’s move on to a more black-and-white case. Zayna.

I had met Zayna at . . . you guessed it, a party (I met a lot of girls at parties, but depending on when, where, and how, you might or might not have the same experiences I did,) and, like Jill, we had some pleasant conversation, I like to think I was at least a bit funny, and I got her number.

Well, we stayed in touch via text, but every time I tried to set up a date, she was always busy.

So, unlike Jill, where I at least I was able to set up one or two dates, I never succeeded with Zayna. And this became a sign to me that she wasn’t interested. No problem, I’m not everyone’s cup of hot, steamy, tea, and I figured it was her loss, so I just stopped messaging her. Many months, later, (or maybe even longer, I can’t quite remember) she messaged me. She was studying for an English test and wanted my help.

I was about to look in the mirror to see if I had “sucker” tattooed on my forehead, then realized that it didn’t matter because we were communicating via text and she couldn’t see my head anyway.

Now, Zayna, like Jill, was pretty damn hot, but I knew when I was being used. So I replied by telling her that my rate for private lessons was about 40 bucks an hour (which was the going rate in that market at that time.) She replied by saying something like “I was thinking about just buying you dinner, lol.” Also, I should point out that she lived kind of far, and was expecting me to travel to her. Nope.

Again, I don’t remember precisely what I messaged back, but I think it was something like “Sorry, that’s a bit too far for me to travel,” or something like that. In any case, that was the last I heard from Zayna.

Sorry, I know when I’m being used.

Case 3: I’m Too Old, but You’re Too Dumb

Another similar story comes from . . . I don’t even remember her name. We’ll call her “Girl McBoobchest.” Anyway, I met Girl via the magical, marvelous internet. We never actually even met up. I think she was in her mid-twenties at the time, and I was in my mid-thirties. Things were going well, but then when she found out my age she said that I was “too old.” . . . Geez. I mean, I guess it was about a 10-year age difference, but I wasn’t exactly a senior citizen, here. Hell, I wasn’t even as old as Arnold when he starred in Predator. Cut me some slack, lady. In any case, I brushed her off with a “whatever,” (or something like that; I don’t quite remember,) and that was that.

Many months after that, I got a message from her wanting . . . you guessed it . . . some help with her English. I think her message was something like “Hey, I’ve got an emergency English problem I need help with.” It must have been for a report or something.

To quote Mr. Burns, “Eeeeexcellent . . .”

Now, I fully remembered this girl. Fully. But I’ve never been one to be above a little bit of lying when it suits me. So I replied, “Do I know you?” Her reply: “You don’t remember me? Lol.” Mine: “No, I don’t. Which means I have no reason to give you any help. I’m blocking you.” Aaaand I blocked her.

Girl wasn’t getting her hands on my sack.

Story 4: You can take the 810 bus to F*#@koffton

Speaking of age differences, this next woman was about 10 years MY senior at the time, but pretty sexy. So we’ll call her “Ethel.” Anyway, I had arranged a date with Ethel. The day of the date, she canceled on me. I don’t remember the exact reason, but as a general rule, that should end the deal right there. Typically unspecified cancellations happen when a woman has you as her backup plan, but a better (at least, in her misguided point of view) prospect comes along, at which point she promptly dumps you in favor of the other guy. It’s super crappy, and you shouldn’t do this with women you date, either. A promise is a promise, and they put that time aside for you. That being said, I’m not one to assume the worst right away, so I gave her a pass and rescheduled with her.

The next week, I had finished work, and gotten on the bus to go see her. While I was on the bus, she messaged me again, wanting to reschedule a second time. I told her no, the date was off, and that was that. At this point, she pleaded with me to reconsider, and even offered to keep her appointment with me for that day. In a way, that was even worse, because it meant that whatever she had planned (most likely meeting some other dumbass) wasn’t so important that she had to cancel with me. Well, she should have thought of that earlier. See yuh, granny. You should have jumped at the chance to date this strapping, young buck.

Story 5: Sometimes it’s Okay to Give a Woman Your Sack

Now, in general, you want to have your limits. Look, nowadays, girlfriends aren’t exactly easy to come by, but that doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards for yourself. However, sometimes it does pay to be a bit forgiving. Here’s one example.

I had been chatting with Kara for a couple of weeks. She was a freelancer, and had a very erratic schedule due to the need to comply with her clients’ timetables. Now, as seen above, my usual policy is “one strike and you’re out,” but somehow she seemed sincere. Don’t ask me why, she just did. Now, the other side of that coin was that, even if she was sincere, the fact that she had such a schedule to begin with didn’t bode well. I mean, I get that she had to put her career as a top priority, but I didn’t relish the thought of having a relationship with a woman who was such a time complication. At point I did sort of draw the line and tell her “no thanks,” but she must have been pretty convincing, and, long story short, I did end up meeting her. And . . . she was absolutely ready to handle my sack that very night. She made that quite clear. I had to leave her a bit disappointed in that sense, but I went on a few subsequent dates with her after that, and it seemed like I could have forged a relationship with her, had I wanted, but at the end of the day, her personality just didn’t mesh with mine.

Anyway, the lesson here is that sometimes giving a little leeway can have payoffs, so think carefully.

Final Thoughts

But are the Ferengi right? Is dignity and an empty sack worth only the sack? Why is this all important?

First of all, because you shouldn’t let anyone bully you. And this is, in a way, a form of bullying. . . . Okay, maybe it’s a bit different. Bullying usually involves one guy making another feel like crap so as to elevate his own position. In the cases above, it was a woman simply prioritizing other things over me . . . but at cost to myself. You and I both deserve respect, and the moment people end up treating us with less respect than we deserve, we need to stand up to that. If we don’t, we start to lose respect for ourselves, and this opens the door for others to push us around and take advantage of us. Don’t let it happen.

The other issue is that it causes men, in general, to lose credibility with women. When a woman sees that a man is willing to throw away his own dignity for even the slightest promise of a handjob, we really start to lose grace in her eyes. She’ll discuss this with other women who will get the same idea and then it snowballs until . . . well, until we get to the way things are in the 21st century.

But it’s not too late!

Always remember that, though it might seem like high quality women are in short abundance, they’re out there, and you don’t have to settle. So the next time someone expects you to sacrifice both your dignity and your sack, glom on to both, sling them over your shoulder, and march off to find another woman who respects them.

Warning Signs About Your Date

I’ll be honest. I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like it when people are mad at things I say. But I’m more concerned about telling the truth, and about telling people things I think they should know. I say this, because this list will probably raise a few hackles (which actually might be a good thing, if it gets people to even note that my writing exists in the first place) but I think it’s also true!

Anyway, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. What follows is a list of warning signs that men should make note of when evaluating women for potential long-term relationships. I should note that many women (at least in North America) have at least of these, and sometimes it pays to give people the benefit of the doubt and judge them on a case-by-case basis, so take it with a grain of salt. . . .

Actually, that being the case, what’s even the point of this article? I mean, if you should evaluate everyone on an individual basis, why even bother to think about these things to begin with? Well . . . the short answer is that I’m not really sure. But the longer answer is that I think about my friend, Robert. Robert tends to put women on a pedestal far more often than he should, while putting himself in the gutter. He thinks that all women are, as a general rule, superior to himself, and this simply isn’t the case. He tells me about a lot of the women he meets, and just from his descriptions, I can tell they’re bad news for him. So I suppose this is for all the Roberts out there, to help you get your feet back on the ground, and start evaluating your potential partners with a practical eye.

Oh, one more note before we get started: a lot of these (not all—you’ll see) can apply in reverse, as well: that is, when women are considering men. So if you see yourself in some of these, maybe do a little bit of introspection.

1. She has tattoos.

Alright, let’s jump right into the deep end. I know, you all love your sweet tats, and I’m an idiot for judging people about them. Anyway, if you want to know more about my opinions on this, check out this article here. But to echo my sentiments I wrote all those months ago, tattoos are often a means of compensating for lack of a genuinely interesting and unique personality. As I’ve said before, some of the most interesting people I’ve met are the ones who don’t have tattoos, because they have nothing to prove. By comparison, those with them often (not always, relax) have downright cookie-cutter personalities: they like to pretend they’re different and unique, but most likely, you can meet someone with the same forced snarky attitude and predilection for misspelled facebook memes down at your local bar.

It also indicates a lack of financial wisdom. I mean, let’s face it, tattoos aren’t cheap. It costs a lot of money to get a picture of bird wings drawn on your back: a picture of birds wings that will never go away. Maybe this isn’t a person who makes very wise decisions.

Lastly, as a general rule, the bigger or more numerous the tattoos, the more of a warning sign it is. A small star on the wrist? Maybe not so bad. A full page of text from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? Get the hell out of there.

2. She uses profanity.

What am I, some kind of prude? Maybe I can’t handle “real talk,” and I prefer all those phony, suited politician types who’ll judge you for not being good enough, but sure as hell aren’t perfect themselves, right? Wrong. As with tattoos, profanity is often used as a cheap and vapid way of making oneself seem edgy. And like tattoos, the people who find better ways of expressing themselves are usually the ones with higher intelligence and more consideration for others. Again, this goes for men, as well.

3. She smokes.

A couple of problems with this one. Again, like tattoos and profanity, to me it tends to indicate a weak sense of individuality. Often, someone who smokes does it to look cool, right? But there’s more.

Like tattoos, it also indicates a lack of financial wisdom. They’re spending a lot of money on what’s basically poison. Poison that makes you look badass, but poison, nonetheless.

Finally, something else to consider. If you fall in love with a smoker, her hardships will become yours, as well. Over time, this person’s looks and overall health will deteriorate. Hey—looks don’t last forever, and eventually we all become old, wrinkly, and covered in weird spots, but smoking absolutely hastens and amplifies this. But even worse, it greatly increases risk for a whole slew of diseases, and if you’re married to this person, you’re going to have to deal with that.

4. She uses other drugs.

No. Just don’t.

5. She’s had a DUI.

What about alcohol? Alcohol is a drug, right? Yep. And while a glass of wine or a beer now and then is no reason to stop dating someone, if you find out she’s had a DUI, it’s probably time to throw in the towel. While this sort of behavior might have been excusable in the 1920’s, our culture has gotten to the point where there’s really no excuse short of pure dumb-assery for someone to have one of these. It shows a marked lack of responsibility and also disregard for the safety of others.

6. What about divorce?

Well, again, we want to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that the husband was a real jerk, and maybe her leaving the marriage shows that she knows how to take steps to better her life. On the other hand, maybe her husband divorced her for cheating, manipulation, or anything else. So if you find a woman is divorced, you need to figure out why.

7. She has children.

Okay, this one has a lot of “ifs.” Now, just the fact that a woman has children isn’t a relationship killer in and of itself, and sometimes can actually be a positive thing depending on if you see the glass as half empty or half full. Let’s talk about it a bit more.

My sister was actually a single mother. Her husband died shortly after their son was born, and she worked her ass off to provide a good life for herself and her son. Actually, she really didn’t even have time for dating. In any case, you’d be hard-pressed to find a woman more diligent and responsible. That being said, having a young child in the relationship is a big complication, and you don’t have to feel selfish about that being a bit of a stumbling block for you. After all, you’re not a charity.

And while children can sometimes be a complication, other times they can be a benefit. It’s possible you have an opportunity to be a positive influence in the kid’s life. Something to consider.

Often, a woman might have children from a divorce. In this case, see number 6, above.

Finally, what if she has children, but hasn’t been married? Again, is the glass half empty or half full. On one hand, it can show that, while she might have made some hasty decisions, she also knows how to take ownership and responsibility for those actions. (And guys, you should do the same. If you make a baby, be a man and take care of it. But that’s an article for another day.) But on the other hand there’s Kate.

Kate is a girl that Robert was sort of into for a while. She had . . . I wanna say 3 kids (?) by different fathers, had a mouth that would make a hardened convict blush, smoked, and had a potato-like head. So in her case, I’d say that her children weren’t so much a sign of her taking responsibility or being a hard worker, but rather as someone who has no idea what the hell she’s doing, and someone Robert didn’t need in his life. And unfortunately, I often feel like the majority of women with kids end up falling under the “Kate” category—hence this segment in an article titled “Warning Signs About Your Date.”

8. She has bad English.

Exceptions, of course, should be made for women who don’t speak English as their fist language. If that’s that case, the fact they speak two languages should be a point in their favor.

In any case, she doesn’t have to be an expert at grammar, but if she doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re then she’s d-u-m dumb.

9. She likes the same music you do.

This might seem like a random one, but hear me out. In my experience, women don’t have good taste in music. They just don’t. Their brains tend to be wired differently than ours, and that’s okay (though it will mean you’ll be forced to listen to Ed Sheeran more than you’d like to in the relationship.) On the other hand, if she’s a fan of harder stuff, this might indicate that either there are a few loose wires upstairs, or that she’s trying too hard for other people’s approval (in which case, see numbers 1 and 2 above.) Again, this is by no means a hard-and-fast rule; one time I dated a girl who had the exact same taste in music I did to the point it was almost eerie, and she turned out to be super cool, but in my experience, be a bit cautious here.

10. She bangs.

Ricky Martin alerted us all of the danger of this back in the 90’s. She stings like a bee, like every girl in history.

Finally: The Parable of the Fish Heads

Imagine there’s a boy whose parents keep him locked in the attic, only feeding him fish heads for the entirety of his formative years. All he’s ever known and eaten is fish heads. Over the years, he’s learned that some fish heads are better than others. He especially likes bluegill, but hates pollack which, despite everyone’s insistence that pollack is “the poor man’s cod,” he knows that it’s really just a garbage fish. In any case, one day Child Protective Services shows up and sets the kid free. Now he finds he’s able to enjoy things like roast beef, strawberries, even lychees and tabouleh. What the hell is tabouleh? Who cares as long as it isn’t fish heads! And he learns that fish heads are really a crappy food to eat.

Sometimes, depending on where we find ourselves in our lives, the women around us are like fish heads. In the past I’ve found myself attracted to various women that were clearly beneath my league. Then I traveled. I visited the Middle East, and Asia, and I learned that instead of fish heads there was lobster, filet mignon, and more! Best of all, I found that some of them wanted to date me! . . . I mean the women, not the lobsters and filet mignon. . . . Metaphors are hard. Anyway, I then found myself thinking of a lot of the women I’d been attracted to in the past and realized that they were just fish heads. (And yes, I realize this probably applies to men, as well. A typical midwestern schlub like me pales in comparison to a dark-maned Grecian named “Xavier” who will take you riding on horseback on the rocky plateaus outside Santorini, but this isn’t The Functional Female, so there!)

The reason I’m suddenly shifting gears, here, is that the whole purpose of this article is to help you keep a pragmatic view of the women you meet in your life. Don’t be like Robert, who, trapped in his tiny insular town with only fish heads to eat, and facebook posts by fish heads about fish heads (dang these metaphors), looks at the women around him—women with terrible personalities and decision-making ability—and thinks they’re worth his time and attention. Recognize warning signs in them, and then set your sights on someone better.

TFTW: How I Lost the Woman of my Dreams

I’ve had plenty of failures with women. I’ve had plenty of times where I have even been rejected by women who, in my opinion, were even below my league. But then, there have been a few times in my life, where, for a few shining moments, I was winning so damn hard, that I sometimes wonder if it was all just some fantasy cooked up by my video game-addled brain. But it wasn’t. There was at least one occasion where I had met the woman of my (at the time) dreams, even got her to say “I love you” . . . and then totally messed it up and lost her forever. This is that story.

Now, before we jump into this sad story of love and loss, do something for me: check out any sort of ad with a Korean woman in it: it can be for clothing, makeup, whatever. Now take a look at the woman in it. . . . Okay, that’s what Subin Park looked like. I’m not even joking. She was a 10. And, she was totally cool, too! Smart, sweet, thoughtful, funny, didn’t think I was a serial killer . . . the whole package.

But I’m getting ahead of myself a little bit, here. So let’s go back to the beginning. It happened at a party. I was there, doing my usual thing. I don’t exactly remember how I found myself in the position to talk to her, but I suppose I just saw her there and walked up to her and said hi. . . . As I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened. I seem to have this memory of her standing there, and thinking how beautiful she was, and how lucky I’d be if I got to know her. Whatever the case, the first thing to learn, here, is that you should never be afraid to approach a girl, no matter how out of your league you think she is.

Anyway, we conversed, the night ended, and I ended up getting her number. After that, I followed my usual guidelines for messaging girls, and started corresponding with her. I think that, before I asked her on a first date, I invited her to go with another friend of mine to another party. I’m not sure if that was instrumental in developing the relationship with her or not. It could be that it eased her in to getting to know me: by doing so in a group setting as opposed to a more awkward one-on-one environment, but it’s hard to say for sure. In any case, after that, I started hanging out with her one-on-one.

After a few dates, I again started going about my usual modus operandi I: breaking the touch barrier and so on, eventually, going for the hand hold. At the end of this date she asked, “So . . . are we dating now?” To which I replied, very confidently, “Yes. Yes we are.” And that was that.

Well, after that . . . things generally went pretty well! We were a really good match, and had lots of good times together . . . which really makes me think the whole thing was salvageable in the end but . . . well, you’ll see how it went.

The first problem we had was that I didn’t say “I love you” soon enough. I don’t know if this is just a thing with Asian women or what, but this has actually landed me in trouble a few times. You see, by this time in my life, I was tired of putting my heart on my sleeve only to embarrass myself and feel like a tool, so I made it a policy not to be the first one in the relationship to profess love. Well . . . maybe that’s a bad policy. It turns out some women just really hate it, and even though you can later confess that you’ve always loved them, they’ll never forget that they had to say “I love you” first. So I guess the second lesson in all of this is: go ahead and tell them you love them before they get pissed off. Yes, you risk looking like a dumbass or it being awkward, but if you don’t, it’ll probably sour things. And yes, it should be every bit as much on the woman to take that first step, but it usually doesn’t work that way. Whether you like it or not, men are expected to be the leaders and the driving force in a relationship, so saying “I love you” is sort of your duty. It shows drive and ability to take charge. Don’t think of it as a power game, either: like you’re showing weakness by being the first one to say it. As we’ll see later, when you start thinking about a relationship in terms of who has more power . . . things are destined to crumble.

But that might have been a little thing. Let’s move on to a big thing. Song-ran. Song-ran was a girl with whom I had an on again/off again relationship over the course of several years. I liked her enough, and I think she truly did care about me, but the thing is, she always seemed to be making effort to put forth one less degree of work into the relationship than I was. I was always the one paying for things—which isn’t always a bad thing, but I would also do things like buy her gifts for Christmas and her birthday, and she never reciprocated. That’s not cool, guys, and I certainly wasn’t going to commit myself to a relationship with that. Now, all of that’s a discussion for another day: about whether or not I should have even been wasting my time with a woman who wasn’t putting forth as much effort into the relationship as I was, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. The thing was, though, that it had been a while since I had heard from Song-ran, and I thought that maybe she had lost interest in me, or found someone else. Hell, maybe she did. In any event, I thought she was out of the picture, but . . . that wasn’t the case, and I ended up getting a message from her, wanting to meet. Cuh-rap.

What was the proper way to handle this? Well, we could make predictions all day long, but in the end, who’s to say what the best choice would have been? I figured the best thing to do was to go ahead and break things off with Song-ran. Subin was clearly more important. I suppose maybe the mistake I made was, as I said, not breaking things off with Song-ran before all this happened, but come on—I stopped hearing from her, so what was I supposed to do? Call her up and be like “Hey, I know we’ve kind of had this dating thing going on for a while, but I just wanted to let you know I found someone I really like, so even though I’m pretty sure you don’t care about me anymore, I just thought I’d call to make sure we’re done for”? Huh . . . well, maybe? Again, that might have been a good decision, but it’s not what I did. So I decided to do the right thing at the time, and that was to break things off with her.

And how was I to do that? Well, I didn’t want to be a cad and do it via text or phone call. So I decided to meet up with her and deliver the news in person. This, of course, led to another dilemma. Should I tell Subin about this or keep it a secret? I figured the best course of action would be to tell the truth, because lies only lead to more lies. So I told her. I told her that my ex-girlfriend had gotten in touch with me and wanted to start dating again, and I needed to tell her that I had met someone new. And that . . . well, that WAS kind of a lie, I guess. Song-ran really wasn’t an ex-girlfriend. She was a girl I was dating, but then sort of stopped dating.

Maybe I should have lied. Of course, Subin wasn’t understanding of that at all. See, I thought I was doing the right thing: breaking things off with someone in a polite way. But all Subin could see was that I was meeting an ex-girlfriend. I guess I can’t blame her. As she put it, “How would you feel if I did the same thing with an ex-boyfriend?” But my situation was that basically I had to hurt someone. Of course, Subin took priority, being my girlfriend, but I thought that maybe I could have both ways and, as Tennessee Williams put it, escape from the coffin without removing any nails.

And I suppose I could have just canceled the meeting with Song-ran, but would that have remedied things? Maybe. But maybe the seed of resentment had already been planted. Or maybe things would have turned out bad even if that had never happened at all. Like I said earlier, we could dwell on any number of possibilities, leading us down some weird “Butterfly Effect” series of outcomes, one of which ends up with me making money doing gay porn so I can afford to buy meth, but we only have so many hours in the day, so the gay porn will have to wait.

In any case, fast forward a few months. Subin and I are set to meet at the subway station to go on a day trip. I show up and meet her, and I sense that all is not well. She has that look. That look that something is bothering her, and she wants me to ask what, but also wants to play games and not tell me what’s wrong. At least, that’s how I perceived it at the time.

Anyway, I asked her what’s wrong, and, after some coaxing, she came out and said, “I don’t think I love you anymore.”

Ouch.

But okay, let’s remain cool. I asked her why. And she said “It’s a lot of little things.”

A lot of little things? I don’t know . . . that’s not really a reason to stop loving someone, right? I mean, “little things” would be, like, showing up late too often, or making weird noises when you eat . . . but those aren’t things you stop loving someone over. And also, why did she decide this all of a sudden? As far as I know, there wasn’t anything recent that would have caused this. Maybe it was a slow build. In any case, “how” doesn’t matter, only “what.”

Well, we went to a cafe (not a lot of private space in the city) and I sat Subin down and asked her what little things, specifically, were bothering her; I told her that I’d evaluate them and try to fix them—which, by the way, isn’t always what women want to hear. Sometimes the fact that a problem can be fixed is secondary to the fact that a problem exists in the first place. That’s an article for another day.

In any case, she didn’t want to talk about it. And that was understandable. I mean, who feels comfortable telling a loved one (or, in my case, someone who they’re not sure about loving anymore) what they don’t like about him? So of course, she wasn’t going to be forthcoming, and I understood that, mostly. But at this time, the words of my friend Jeff echoed in my ears. Jeff once said “Women will test you. And when they do, go ahead and fail that test, because if you don’t, they’ll expect you to pass every time in the future.”

And Jeff wasn’t alone in giving me this sort of advice. Here and there, I had been told that, when a woman tries to test you, push your buttons, whatever, you have to put your foot down or else they’ll find that they can control you. I was also thinking of times I had seen women who had significant others who often weren’t very accommodating to their whims, and yet who still clung to those men (most likely unhealthy relationships, in retrospect) and figured that giving way and trying too hard to make someone happy would only make them respect me less. Not only that, but I was also at a point in my life where I was done people pleasing. My philosophy was this: I had spent most of my youth basing my sense of self worth on whether or not other people liked me, and I was done with this. You either accepted me or you didn’t, and while there was some wisdom to be had in that attitude, this was the wrong time and place for it.

So finally I said—in the best no-nonsense voice a could muster, “Okay, well, what I’m basically hearing at this point is ‘You’re not good enough for me.’ [By which I meant I thought SHE thought I wasn’t good enough for her, if that makes sense.] I certainly don’t think we should go on our trip today, so why don’t we both go home, and you can take some time to think about if you want to continue this relationship or not.”

So we parted ways. Before we did, I gave her a hug to let her know I still cared about her. Good move or not, I don’t know. In any case, that’s we did . . . and I didn’t contact her for several days. I went about my life as though I weren’t even thinking of her, because I wanted her to know that it was she who needed me, but not the other way around. And then, I got a message from her on Facebook. She said that she had thought about it, and that she definitely wanted to end the relationship, etc.

I didn’t even reply back.

Dammit, that makes me sad! Well, anyway, that’s what happened. I often find myself wondering what I could have done differently. Well, I know I should have handled the breakup differently. You see, my problem there was listening to other guys—who weren’t exactly in healthy relationships themselves—give me bad advice like it was gospel. But it’s like I mentioned in this article, relationships aren’t about power and control. And if they are, you shouldn’t be in them. Subin wasn’t trying to exert power over me, she was legitimately upset, and I probably just made her feel worse. So that was a screw up.

What else could I have done wrong? I think the Song-ran thing was a big screw-up. I think, had that not happened, we probably wouldn’t have broken up. But that was a tricky issue. As I said earlier, I don’t know if I made the right decision there or not, and sometimes you’ll find that there aren’t always clear answers to things.

It’s also possible the problem was largely out of my hands. Maybe it wasn’t any one thing, but that Subin just discovered that, little by little, my stupid jokes and dumb face just started wearing on her nerves.

And the epilogue? Song-ran was unfazed that I dumped her; we picked up right where we left off and continued our weird relationship for a couple more years before she forgot about my birthday, and I never messaged her again, nor she me. And then some years later, I met the real woman of my dreams, whom I eventually ended up making my wife. So, as poignant as my relationship with Subin was, had we not broken up, I never would have met the true woman of my dreams. So let’s call it a happy ending, after all.

Well, I hope this story serves as a bit of a learning experience to someone: how, sometimes we can soar to heights higher than we expected, but we can also screw up tremendously. In the end, life is full of triumphs and tribulations, and I guess we have to cherish the former and learn from the latter

On Gifting

“That’s another mistake I make with women. I’m a gifter,” said my friend Bob when talking about his problems in meeting women. He went on to explain that he had a habit of buying gifts for women he was interested in. Usually small things like kinds of candy they like, perhaps t-shirts, etc. He went on to explain that one of his friends cautioned him against doing so, to which Bob lamented, “What does that say about our society when a nice gesture like buying a simple gift for someone is considered obsessive or creepy?” Well, Valentine’s Day is today, and so this seems like an appropriate time for a short article just about this kind of thing.

Now, before we go further, let’s clarify things. I’m not talking about giving gifts to women you’re actively dating. When it’s established that you’re dating (or if you’ve made it so obvious that she’d have to be totally clueless to not realize you’re dating) an occasional small surprise—such as a single rose, or a small box of chocolates—can be a good idea to add some romance to the relationship. What we’re talking about in this article is gifting to women you’re interested in dating.

So first of all, Bob does have a point. It is sort of a sad commentary about our day and age when a sincere gesture of kindness is viewed as creepy, but you and I didn’t write the rules of the 21st century—we just have to adapt to it. The bottom line is, giving gifts to women can sometimes be a bad idea. But why?

Simply put, some women will see this as a sign of weakness. Again, that’s kind of messed up, but again, there’s nothing we can do about that. And while you might be giving a gift simply as a sign of old-fashioned chivalry, to them, it’ll seem like you’re desperate for their attention—that you’re so insecure in what you have to offer as a person, that you’re willing to spend money to compensate. That might not be the case (hopefully it’s not the case,) but that’s what they’ll think, and it’s a huge turn off to them. Additionally, if they’re undecided about you as a potential mate, this might make them feel pressure about the decision, which will push the girl away. Even worse, there’s a chance that if she’s the psychopathic type, she’ll see this as a sign that she can manipulate you for money and try to do so. And finally, (and this is a minor issue, but still an issue) if you get her a gift, and she isn’t into you, you’ll just kind of feel like a dumbass. So be very cautious about buying gifts.

But wait a second—no two women are exactly alike, and isn’t possible that there might be a few considerate, sensitive women out there who’ll be really touched by your gentlemanly act of gifting? And furthermore, if a woman is turned off by gifting, it’s likely she’s not an open caring person anyway, so that kind of weeds out the bad ones, right? Well, you might be on to something there, hypothetical reader, but just trust my experience on this. While nothing is absolute, in general, you have more to lose than gain by gifting. However, there does come a point where you might want to consider it.

If you feel fairly comfortable with the girl, and she seems pretty cool, you might want to test the waters with a little something . . . no more than $5.00, I’d say. And, at first, make it something that’s fairly unromantic. No roses, no little stuffed bears that say “I love you.” Generally, a good choice is something that you have unique access to, or something she might not be aware of. For example, if you happen to mention baklava to her in a conversation one day, and she mentions she’s never had it before, you could pick up a small box of it and give it to her the next time you meet, saying something like “You said the other day that you’ve never had baklava. Well, I found a bakery selling it the other day, so I thought I’d pick up some for you to try.” Or, if you travel out of town, you could pick up a small souvenir for her. Again, small. Nothing tacky, either, and if you’re not sure if something is tacky or not, then don’t get it. And finally, if you do give her something and she never returns the favor, then stop. You’re not a charity, and while a good relationship is all about giving more than you get, she’s not your girlfriend, yet, so don’t be a sucker.

The old saying tells us that it’s better to give than to receive, and when it comes to someone you’re in a loving relationship with, this is true. But if it’s someone you’re simply pursuing, be very, very conservative with gifting, as, more often than not, it will cause more harm than good.

Is it Worth Being a Jerk?

Do nice guys finish last? Are you better off being a jerk? Well, I’ve already answered this question in various articles to some capacity, but perhaps it would be useful to take a few minutes (or twenty) and isolate the topic. After all—to be honest, I sometimes find myself doubting . . . myself. I’ve usually gone by the philosophy that nice guys do win, but then, sometimes I’ll see something that makes me second guess myself. And then, after awhile of introspection, find myself only reaffirming what I already know. But let’s break it down.

The case for jerks

First of all, there absolutely is some truth to the idea that jerks, bad boys, alpha males, whatever you want to call them, do receive some advantages. Of course, the most obvious is that they appear interesting and confident to those around them. But there are other reasons too.

Have you ever watched a movie, read a book, or whatever, in which there’s a character who initially comes off as unpleasant and abrasive, but later on turns out to have a heart of gold, or be a real hero? It’s a plot device that works really well! And that’s because of a simple aspect of human nature that almost all of use share: we really like to see people make positive changes, or be “redeemed” (heck, there are entire religions based on this idea!) It’s especially appealing when we can think we, personally, have had some sort of role in this change, but even if we don’t, we tend to be surprised and pleased by seeing someone’s change of heart, or by discovering a rose among a person’s thorns. It somehow touches and reaffirms a very deep-seated part of our humanity, and we’re drawn to it.

Another reason people love bad boys is because of the concept of scarcity. Basically, the more difficult something is to get, the more we tend to value it. If there’s some jerk that likes YOU, it makes you feel like you’ve done something special to make that person like you. Having a friendship or relationship with that person reminds you of this victory, and so it’s something you’ll want to maintain, even WORK to maintain. On the other hand, if there’s some guy out there who’s everyone’s friend . . . wait. I’ve known people like that. They’re pretty awesome, too, because everybody likes them. They’re popular, and you’ll want to be their friend, too. So . . . hm, I guess both of those options work, don’t they?

Anyway, moving on: one final advantage jerks get is that the only direction for them to go is UP. Forget what people say about first impressions—if someone doesn’t like you at first, their opinions of you can only get better. And when their opinions of you do improve . . . see the above paragraph. On the other hand, think of all the celebrities out there that used to be loved, only to have lost their fame and prestige by making one little mistake—as much as we love to see villains redeemed, we also love to see heroes fall. . . . Boy, we people are pretty messed up, aren’t we?

Well . . . so far, that all seems like a pretty good argument for being a jerk, doesn’t it? And I won’t lie: it’s quite likely that it could be a very legitimate and valuable strategy for you. You might even want to try experimenting with it, I don’t know. Maybe, when you first meet people, come off as a bit blunt in your observations and opinions, then later soften them. But, don’t blame me if it doesn’t work. You see, I’ve never taken that route because, at the end of the day, I’m a nice guy. When I go to parties, I try to be charming and likable, and generally hold my tongue at comments that rub me the wrong way (though not all the time: we nice guys have to know when to bring down the hammer) because I try to make people feel comfortable and have a good time. And guess what? That’s worked pretty well, too. I always get invited back to people’s parties.

The case against

So it’s true that sometimes jerks can have magnetic personalities. But in my experience, these people also end up having lives, and especially relationships, that are pretty tumultuous and unstable. They argue a lot with their significant others, or they end up forming relationships with women who, themselves, are a bit crazy. Or sometimes they even end up making the biggest mistake of all and becoming president of the United States of America. And if they don’t? Well, they cease being interesting. Meanwhile, while the nice guys might not score as much sweet, sweet tail as the bad boys, they tend to be much happier with the tail they get, and end up perhaps forming long-lasting relationships and families with that tail.

Quick story. I feel like I’ve told this before, but maybe not. Anyway, in my days of dating, I went to a party with this guy I knew. He was a nice guy. Pretty mild personality, but easy to talk to. Personally, I thought I had a lot more to offer people: I was in better shape, was better looking, and I also had a bit of a biting wit that women tended to find attractive. We ended up finding a group of people to talk with, among which was a girl whom I thought was definite girlfriend material. So of course, I kind of tried to impress her a bit. Not too much, mind you (many “experts” will tell you that trying to hard can be a turnoff—I suppose that’s an article for another day), but at the end of the party, that girl ended up asking for my friend’s phone number! Now, we could break down and dissect the whole situation to see what I had done wrong, but the basic takeaway is that this ordinary, soft-spoken, slightly pudgy dude was the one who got the girl!

Another story. About my sister. Oh yes, we’re going there. Anyway, my older sister is about the coolest woman you’ll ever want to meet. She’s smart, funny (and I mean like, legitimately funny, not “I’m a woman who says mean and nasty things so laugh at me” funny) and looks about ten years younger than her actual age. I mean . . . back when she was dating, she had a lot of guys that wanted to date her so . . . I mean . . . this is making me really uncomfortable here. I guess I’m trying to say that she was generally considered “hot.” In any case, she’s pretty awesome. And can you guess what kind of guy she ended up marrying? A nice one.

So yes, sometimes bad boys do succeed, but nice guys do, too. But the thing is, I think it takes a certain mindset to be a bad boy. I couldn’t do it even if I tried. Well . . . I could, but I certainly couldn’t keep it up for very long, and it would seem forced. And so that’s why, even though someone could theoretically use the psychology of humankind’s attraction to bad boys to his advantage—without the bad decision-making aspect—I think for someone to truly be able to hold up that kind of lifestyle is also someone who has a mentality that will make other parts of his life difficult and unhappy. So in other words, unless you’re a sociopath, you’re probably not going to be able to pull the “bad boy” schtick off successfully, and if you are a sociopath, you’re probably going to be in some frustration.

The bottom line

There is something to be said about being a jerk. It does tap in to our human pyschology and can make people drawn to you. However, it isn’t a strategy for everyone, and it has its own set of risks and pitfalls. For you, it’s probably a much wiser (and easier) strategy to just be yourself.

A friendly reminder

Remember this, asshole! . . . Oh wait . . . the subheading says “friendly” reminder. Let’s try that again.

One final piece of advice (and if you’ve read other articles on this site, this will be review): it’s not just enough to be a nice guy; you have to be a nice, capable guy, as well. That means cultivating your personality and your talents. A nice guy who spends all his time playing video games in the basement is naturally going to lose every time to bad boy who rides a motorcycle. But a nice guy who can read the Arabic alphabet, tell a funny joke, and hold his own in a Judo meet is more than a match for some dimwit on a Kawasaki. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee he’ll win out every time. There are some women for whom a motorcycle is a lot more of a turn-on than knowing the difference between an aleph and a lam, but as I’ve said before, those are also women who probably aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, either. Food for thought. See you next time.

Tales from the War: What NOT to do

A later article! Don’t worry, Functioners, I haven’t forgotten you! I think about you each and every day. But things are getting hectic here, so be patient with my later articles. Until then, here’s a new one for you!

In my younger days, I was completely clueless, socially awkward, and generally an emotional wreck. Nowadays, I like to think I’ve come leaps and bounds and am . . . at least functional. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m successful, no sir, but I am doing well enough to feel confident in telling other people how to live their lives. In any case, there was also a sort of “in between” time in my life, where I had gotten over the obstacles of my youth, but didn’t have things quite as together as I do now. This story is from that time.

Amy had it all. She was a fully bilingual post-grad med student who was beautiful, smart, and even shared my religious views. To be honest, she was way out of my league, and I should be proud of the fact I got as far as I even did with her. Unfortunately, I messed up big time. I was like Lenny in Of Mice and Men. I just got so excited with my little pet that I played too hard and I ended up killing it.
. . . Well, wait. That metaphor didn’t work out so well. Like, I didn’t kill her. I killed the opportunity I had with her. So . . . okay, moving on.

Anyway, we’re going to take a look at some of the mistakes I made, so hopefully you don’t repeat them.

But first, let’s keep one thing in mind. Hindsight is always 20/20, as they say, and it’s completely likely that, even if I had a time machine and decided to use it to score some sweet tail instead of using it to assassinate Hitler, it’s completely likely I still would have failed. There have been times when I’ve done everything absolutely right, and it still all went wrong. So who knows? In any case, let’s get this awkward train to Cringetown rolling.

Too dark?

The first time I met Amy, I took her to a nice Italian restaurant I knew of. Overall, it went well, and that night, as I traveled home, she complimented me on my personality. I also distinctly remember she mentioned she couldn’t wait until she saw my “dark side,” whatever that meant. I remember thinking it was a reference to my slightly gallows sense of humor . . . at least, that’s how I remember interpreting that comment, but who knows, I could have been totally wrong. In any case, the whole thing emboldened me.

And sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes it pays to take risks when dating, because sometimes playing it safe can mean playing it . . . boring. (Although, readers of my other articles might also note that, women who prefer men who take risks also might have a streak of bad decision making, and probably won’t be good long-term partners.) Now on the other, hand, there’s definitely something to be said for exercising caution.

In any case, I let my weird sense of humor go full out. Sometimes this resulted in some real comedy gems. I remember one time she texted me that she’d be late, to which I replied “No prob, Bob,” just because it sounded funny. Not having the most refined sense of humor, she asked why I said “Bob,” to which I replied, “Well, ‘No prob, Amy’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.’” And I still maintain to this day that that was comedy gold. I don’t care what anyone else says. Comedy. Gold. Anyway, other times it was stuff that was certainly funny–at least to me–but maybe to someone who doesn’t totally understand my humor, a bit . . . well . . . warped.

Case in point: somehow while looking around on the internet, I found this totally weird picture of some kind of robot with a cat’s head, and a computer screen on its mechanical body displaying the message “Hello.” Describing it doesn’t really do it justice, but it struck me as just so weird and random, that I thought it was hilarious. Well . . . if you’ve read my guides on dating, you’ll know that sometimes sending funny pictures, memes, etc., can be a good way to liven up your chatting . . . buutttt sometimes it can make you seem creepy. You can guess what I did.

Yep. I sent that pic as a greeting.

Her response was “Is that for me?” I don’t remember how I replied, but I remember thinking afterward that maybe that was a mistake. Again, to any of my guy friends who know me well and know that I’m probably not a serial killer: funny. To a girl I’ve only known a few weeks: a warning sign.

Another time, in my effort to show her new and interesting places, I took her to a fantastic burger joint. My friend (who shares my sense of humor) happened to live in the area. A little while after our meal, I got a text message from him. It was a photo of us through the window of the restaurant, eating. Again, to me: funny. Funny that he happened to be in the right place at the right time, looking in the right direction, to see us eating. Funnier still that he snapped a picture of it and sent it to me. So of course, I showed it to Amy. Again, she didn’t see the humor in it, and looking back on it now, I can see how that seemed a bit . . . stalker-y. And sure, it was’t like it was me that took the picture; Eric is a weird dude, and I’ve never argued otherwise. But, he was also my friend, and Amy probably figured that birds of a feather flock together and . . . So yeah, that was also a bad decision. Moving on . . .

Look at me! I’m offbeat and zany! Woooaaah!

At one point we went to a room café. It’s a place where there’s a counter in front, and they give you your own private room where you can watch T.V., or make out if the circumstances are right. It was my suggestion, and in the past, I actually have used room cafés as makeout spots, but my relationship with Amy hadn’t progressed to that level, so I had no intention of using it as such. Instead, I brought my laptop.

At some point while in the cafe, we got on the topic of The Twilight Zone. She had actually never heard of it before, so I showed her an episode I had on my computer. It was “The Invaders,” an episode in which an old farm woman is terrorized by miniature aliens from space. The story was actually written by Richard Matheson of I am Legend fame, but of course, being a film that was made in the 60’s, you can bet that the special effects were pretty cheesy. Also, while Amy’s English was great, she was Korean, and so, not really appreciating the cultural significance of The Twilight Zone, she probably just thought it was corny and weird. Hell, even if she did know about the series, keep in mind guys, that despite geek culture being much more socially acceptable now than it was twenty years ago, and despite many women’s insistence that they’re “huge nerds” because they’ve watched a few episodes of Game of Thrones, there are still many, many, women—especially outside the West—that just aren’t into sci-fi. They view it not as quirky and cool, but as immature kids’ stuff. Of course, it’s not, and you don’t necessarily have to hide your love of these things but . . . do tone it down a bit.

Aaand speaking of kids’ stuff . . . after the Twilight Zone: video games.

Now this wasn’t totally my idea. At some point in the past, she mentioned playing “Bubble Bobble” when she was young. I’m not sure how we got on that topic . . . I was probably talking about my hobbies of retro gaming (again, more kids’ stuff) and mentioned that we could play Bubble Bobble through something called an “emulator” on my computer. She actually seemed interested in this. And, like any gamer, I had USB controllers to use with the laptop—two to be exact! Well, upon giving her controller, she looked at it a moment and said “It’s sticky.”

I still remember the revulsion on her face and in her voice. Actually, it’s possible that viewing it through lens of bygone years has amplified it, but in any case, I remember thinking that she must have been really grossed out. Look, I’m not saying it wasn ‘t semen on the controller, but it’s much more likely it was pancake syrup, orange juice or something else; as far as my memory goes, I never masturbated with my game controllers in close proximity. But in any case, I’m sure that was probably her first assumption. So . . . always clean up your stuff.

Anyway, I simply apologized, and switched controllers . . . or something. Actually, I don’t know how I recovered from that. And to be honest, I’m not sure what the best way even was. I guess I could have joked about it—been like: “Oh! Sorry! I must have gotten orange juice on it. It’s not bodily fluids, trust me . . . I save that for my playstation.” But then, who knows: maybe she would have found that funny, and it would have defused the situation, or maybe she would have been even more disgusted. I think in the end, I just muttered an apology and gave her my other (less semen-covered) controller.

Regardless, we did have a bit of fun playing Bubble Bobble, and when she was tired of that (it didn’t take too long, because she ultimately did kind of suck at it), I suggested we play a really fun two-player game from my youth, called “Jackal.”

Jackal is a shoot ’em up game where you control a jeep that’s trying to force its way behind enemy military lines. It’s a really tough and fast-paced action game, and great for playing with your buddy. . . . Not so great for playing with a classy date. Really, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Or rather, what I was thinking she’d think. “Ooh, you’re so good at playing old kids’ games, take me NOW, Mr. Blog Writer!” Or hey! Maybe I was thinking, after we were done, we could go down to the old crick and throw rocks into the water, maybe try to catch some turtles . . . you know, like I did with my friends when I was a kid–Really, what was I thinking? It’s like I said before, girls don’t like quirky men. They like functional men  . . . or . . . “males,” if you prefer. And that day, I was acting really quirky.

Successes and failures

Now, clueless as I was, I wasn’t totally clueless: I knew a good thing when I saw it, and I was also smart enough to know when to pursue something. At one point (I don’t remember when, exactly: if it was before the video game incident or after. I seem to remember it being, like, one of the first dates, in which case I had probably failed much earlier on than I thought, but who knows) I mentioned that I really liked her. I can’t recall precisely, but I think we were on the subway. Not the most romantic of places, I know, but we had just finished seeing an art exhibition (one of my few good choices) and, while I suggested dinner together (an optimal time to talk about feelings), she had other plans. (Now, it’s possible she really did have pressing plans, but most likely, if a girl really likes you, she’ll leave the whole day open. So that was a bad sign.) In any case, while I don’t remember the exact words, it was something like “Anyway, just so you know, I really like spending time with, and would like to see you more. You don’t have to say anything back at this point, it’s just something to keep in mind. Anyway, this is my stop, so travel safely, and I’ll get in touch with you later.”

Well, some smart things and some not-so-smart things about that, I guess. I was really hoping she’d say “I really like you too,” but she didn’t. Maybe I took her by surprise. Maybe it was the wrong time and place. But I sort of feel like if she felt the same way, she would have said it. On the other hand, I had wisely tailored the situation so that, if she didn’t feel the same way, it wouldn’t force her into an awkward situation but . . . in that case, who really cares? I mean, there’s something to be said about being considerate, but it also might have made me look unconfident. Who knows. Anyway, that’s that.

Now, I don’t want to give the idea I was a total loser in all of this. I did have a few wins. I remember at one time she was kind of grappling with some questions she had regarding her faith, and asked me for advice. This was a good sign; it meant that, for some reason, she had at least a little respect for my intelligence and opinions, and I like to think I gave her some pretty good input. At one point, she gave me a small gift of cologne she had hand made (don’t ask me how one makes their own cologne), and there were times I made her laugh. But . . . you didn’t come here to listen to stories of victory, did you? No, you want pain, you sadist! So let’s get to the pain!

The mouse dies

Okay, so we’re getting to the end of this train wreck of an article, but bear with me for just a bit longer.

Now, at this point in things, I had resigned myself to the fact that Amy really wasn’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me. But that was okay, because I really liked her personality and valued her as a friend.
Quick reality check, here. Again, this is a very cavalier way of thinking of things, and we always want to be gentlemen, but at the same time, we need to be realists. And looking back on it now: really guys, there’s usually not much of a reason for you to invest your time in a woman who isn’t interested in you romantically unless she’s a very old and trusted friend, or unless she’s a newer friend who’s really proven herself. Amy was pretty cool, but probably not worth the time I was putting into her . . . not when I had older, closer guy friends to spend my time on, instead. And I suppose I was still harboring the notion that she might fall in love with me after a while, but, honestly guys, this hardly ever happens. Once a woman decides you’re not mate material, you pretty much have to wrestle a mutant shark-bear in order to make her reconsider her opinion. But I didn’t know that then.

Anyway, Amy decided that it would be fun to take salsa dancing lessons together. Actually, I have to give her credit for continuing to stick with me that long. In any case, it didn’t seem that interesting to me, but I figured it would be a great way for us to become closer: by doing something together. So we did this for a few weeks. I didn’t particularly enjoy it. There was a lot of changing partners, and I never really got to actually dance with her all that much. But I stuck with it.

Well, one day we arrived in town early for the lessons, and as we were walking down the street, I happened to notice a kebab shop–a kebabarie, if you will. I sort of put my hand on her far shoulder to get her attention as I pointed it out, and noticed that she kind of pulled away from me. This bothered me. I really had no intention of trying to put the moves on her (despite what I wrote here) and here she was, pulling away from me like I was some kind of creep. And she was just deciding this now, after all these months? Whatever.

Well, we arrived at the club a bit early, and she sat down on a stool, saying there was something she needed to talk to me about. I knew what was happening, but as I’ve always had a bit of a penchant for self abuse, was ready to take that punch full on in the face. HIT ME! Anyway, her spiel went like this: “We’re friends, right?” to which I replied, “Yeah . . .” Here she took a moment to gather her thoughts. Suddenly, the music started, indicating it was time to get ready for lessons. She stood up and said “And I think we’ll continue to be,” as she walked away to join class, leaving me there to scratch my head. I mean . . . I thought I knew what that meant: “Continue to be just friends.” But . . . that was a weird way of putting it.

So I had to get through that whole damn class, whirling around and doing those stupid back-and-forth dance steps, pretending to be having fun, all the time hurting inside. When class was over, I took her aside once more and asked her exactly what she meant. She elaborated, saying that she was probably going to be leaving the country soon, etc., but I could see through all of this. The bottom line was that she didn’t think I was good enough for her. Perhaps she was right, but: at this time in my life,  I might have been clueless—but not spineless. I told her it sounded like a bunch of bullshit, and walked out on her. And that was the last we’ve ever heard from each other.

Was that the right reaction? I don’t know. I mean, I guess I can’t really blame her. It’s not like I was Don Juan with her. On the other hand, I was pretty nice to her . . . but just being nice only goes so far. You have to prove to a girl you’re functional, too. Hey—I don’t claim to have the answers to this one. But maybe by looking back at my mistakes, you can avoid doing the same thing yourself.

Oh–one or two years later, I saw Amy out and about in town . . . with a boyfriend.

Let’s bury the mouse in a shoe box instead of eating it (this time.)

So there you go. Would things have been different today, had I made different decisions? Who knows? What was the whole point of this article in the first place? I guess it was just to make you aware that sometimes you need to take a step back and look at your decisions and actions when socializing with people. And also it serves to let you know that, if you’ve made bad decisions yourself, don’t sweat it. We all do. But don’t let it keep you down; learn and grow from your mistakes and use those mistakes to improve the person you are.