It’s been a LONG time. But that’s because I’ve got lots of other projects I’m working on these days–most notably looking for agents/publishers for my book. Spoiler alert, I’ll likely have to self publish; it turns out that, for all their proclamations of righteousness, a lot of these exalted New York agents don’t care that much about books for boys with reading difficulty. (Or maybe my book is just poorly written, but the former excuse is a lot easier to complain about.) In any case, I’ll probably do a little promotion on this blog when it’s available. However, I figured this is one of those tips that are extra important, so here it is.
If you’ve ever looked at baby toys, you might notice that some of them say “Not for children under 3,” or something to that effect. Now, often the reason for this is pretty obvious: for example, the toy might contain small parts that a young child can choke on, or it might contain potentially dangerous objects (as is the case with the Fisher-Price “Sack-o-Knives”). But other times you might see this label on a toy that, by all logic, seems pretty much kid proof. But trust me: there are reasons, as I discovered.
For her first Christmas, I bought my daughter a little electronic toy dog. You flip a switch and it barks and wags its tail. It’s adorable, and my daughter loved it. She especially loved biting its snout as though the puppy were a homeless man and she was a bath-salts-addled drug fiend. But anyway, it was cute. Never mind that sometimes she’d grab it and disarticulate its various moving parts so that the doggy eventually became crippled, still barking happily as it limped across the playmat to have its face chewed.
Then one day Tails McTastyface fell from a shelf on which he was resting. The shock of the fall caused the battery … battery … cover? Battery holder? Anyway that plastic thing that you open to get at the battery–that thing popped open and the battery tumbled out, at which point my daughter immediately tried to put it into her mouth.
Now look, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, okay? Sometimes things don’t really click. I learned just the other day that document clips have those weird-looking handles so you can hang them off push pins. But anyway, the moment that battery popped out, I realized why so many children’s toys have battery covers that are fastened into place by screws that are a real pain to get out and WHY CAN’T THEY JUST PUT NORMAL BATTERY COVERS ON THESE THINGS? Well, because they won’t pop open if the toy falls off the shelf, that’s why.
So needless to say, Tails was taken out of the playpen and given a retirement home on the mantel in my computer room, where it watches me type this even now with those coal-black staring eyes. The eyes that stare into infinity. The eyes that promise both glory and madness …
Photo by Tetyana Kovyrina on Pexels.com
What was I talking about? Oh, right. So since then, I’ve sort of become more attuned to safety issues on toys. For example, a pop-up book might have pieces that can be easily torn off and stuffed in the mouth. An item with a thin, rigid piece of plastic can crack into small shards that can cut or … be stuffed in the mouth. A toy with a little string from which dangles a butterfly can be pulled off and then … stuffed in the mouth.
The bottom line: toys have age guidelines for a good reason, even if it’s not immediately clear. (Or, in the case of Tails, quite clear unless Daddy is a knucklehead). Even some toys that are geared for very young children might still have unforeseen dangers, like my daughter’s fabric book that has images covered in a crinkly, shiny film that can be bitten off and eaten. So take those age recommendations seriously and always be watchful of your child.
The Functional Male 