It’s been several months since my last post. That’s for two reasons: 1) I’m busy playing with my 3-month old daughter. 2) I’m working on a book of sword-and-sorcery stories for boys and men who can’t read well. But I think a post is long overdue, so here’s a short (but hopefully useful) one.
Okay, you caught me again. The title was clickbait. There are many pieces of advice that are probably more important than what I’m about to share here. Things like:
- Always put your baby on her back when she sleeps (to reduce the chance of SIDS).
- Don’t clean your baby by putting him in the washing machine.
- Don’t sacrifice your baby to Moloch, the ancient god of the Caananites.
- Don’t lend your baby to the Moldovan Olympic Discus Team to use for throwing practice.
- And many others!
But one of my goals with this blog is to give advice that you might not get anywhere else. And prior to the arrival of my daughter, I studied baby care pretty extensively, but nothing totally prepared me for what to expect when we brought her home. … Not even the book “What to Expect When you’re Expecting: the First Year,” ironically enough. So that’s why I’m writing this.
Now the thing that no one told me to expect was that … nothing can prepare you for what you’ll experience and feel when you first bring that little critter home. Prior to bringing home baby Ultimate Warrior (that’s her name: “Ultimate Warrior Smith.” It took some coaxing before my wife agreed to it) here’s what I thought: “Other people even less intelligent than I have raised children, so I can do it, too/just follow the advice in the book and you’ll be fine.” Now when we finally brought Ultimate Warrior home, here’s what I thought: “HOLY CRAP I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING THIS BABY IS GOING TO DIE IN A POOL OF HER OWN FILTH WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO”
Really. All that advice in those books went right out the window. According to the book, it was as easy as:
- “If she cries, she’s either hungry, lonely, or needs a diaper change,” and
- “To change your baby’s diaper, simply put down the new one first, fold up the old one underneath, wipe her from front to back, throw away the old diaper, and fasten the new one, folding down the top to make room for the umbilical stump.”
But it turned out that half of the time we had no idea why Ultimate Warrior was crying (we still don’t, but we think it was due to indigestion), she was starting to get a rash on her bottom because we weren’t changing her diaper right (apparently), and she kept falling asleep while breastfeeding, so my wife had to spend 2 hours per feeding session. Any information we found on the internet didn’t seem to fit with our circumstances. We just had no idea what we were doing or how to do it.
And also, there was tension between us. My wife would often be terse with me. A common thing would be for her to say: “Give me that thing there,” then get impatient when I had no idea what she was talking about. This would lead to my rejoinder, “Could you possibly be less specific?” Long story short, it was tense.
So how did we solve it? Believe it or not, that’s not important to you. You see, I could give you some advice, but every baby’s situation is a little (or a lot) different from other babies’, and your situation as a parent is different from other parents. You can find some guidelines and advice, but it’s likely it won’t fit with your circumstances. But, by trial and error, you’ll figure something out. In our case with the diaper, my wife put together this system of actually putting down puppy pads (laugh if you want) on the changing table, then holding the baby above the sink while she splashes slightly warm water on her bottom in order to clean away the poop. I don’t think it’s advice you’ll find in any parenting book, but she figured it out through trial and error. With the baby’s crying, we discovered that sometimes breast milk seemed to cause a bit of indigestion, so we learned certain routines for optimal positioning following her feeding times, and how to use formula to supplement her meals. The specifics aren’t important. But here’s what is:
You’ll figure it out. There will be moments of chaos and confusion. You’ll think to yourself at times “Is it too late to take back my decision? Can I maybe find someone who’ll trade this baby for a Playstation 5? Am I going to have to change my son’s name to Sue then leave my wife, like in that Johnny Cash song?” But it’ll work itself out. You just need to be patient. Now, that’s easier said than done. Actually, I suspected this would be good advice early on, but to my wife, even a simple ear infection seemed like the end of the world. And that’s to be expected, too. In other words, don’t sweat it too much, and also don’t sweat it when your wife tells you you’re an insensitive clod (yeah I said “clod,” what are you gonna do?) for not worrying.
Now here’s some bonus advice. Be patient with your wife. She might snap at you a few times, but keep in mind that usually a woman doesn’t carry another human inside herself for 9 months, then try pushing it out of a body opening the size of a silver-dollar pancake at Denny’s, unless there’s some degree of love for you. At the same time, don’t forget to stand up for yourself when necessary. Just because your wife is stressed doesn’t mean it’s okay for her to be disrespectful when you’re trying to help. Now, how you stand up for yourself requires strategies that need an entire article by itself to cover, so you’ll just have to trust your good judgment for now.
Oh, and the same thing goes the other way. When that baby won’t stop crying, it’ll frazzle your nerves. So you’re going to have to dig deep into those patience reserves and keep your cool. And don’t get mad at the kid! You know, the natural reaction to a whining, screaming kid is, “Stop being such a punk!” but keep in mind that babies haven’t even learned how to be punks, yet. All they know is that they’re uncomfortable, and crying is the only way they can tell you.
Another bonus tip: do the dishes. I don’t know if it’s ingrained in our DNA, or if it’s social conditioning, or what, but my wife is just naturally better with the baby than I am. For that reason, she does the majority of the dirty work when it comes to the baby. (Also, she’s breastfeeding, and I don’t lactate, so …) But that doesn’t mean I can’t be helpful. I take on any job I can to help ease her workload. That means doing the dishes, cooking, sweeping, or beating The Gimp with a canoe oar when he forgets that he’s MEANT TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD, DAMMIT!
So bottom line? Give it your all, hang in there, and keep a cool head. It’ll all work out. And does Denny’s even have silver-dollar pancakes?
The Functional Male 