In Star Trek, the Ferengi are a crass race of traders who value money above all else. They have a saying: “Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.” Of course, we laugh because, while dignity very seldom has monetary worth, its intrinsic value is extremely high. But this is all lost on the money-obsessed Ferengi.
Very often this adage applies to the world of dating, and so often I see men acting like the Ferengi, but, instead of involving money, the situation involves women, and I see a lot of guys who end up losing both their dignity and their sacks. So in this case study of Tales From the War, I’m going to give you examples of times when I could have lost my dignity but decided to keep it, why it’s important in the first place, and why the Ferengi are wrong. And you won’t be disappointed; I will make intermittent jokes about sacks, because I have the sense of humor of a middle school student.
Case 1: Jill
I met Jill at a party. I had been talking to some guy, and he knew her. I think he referred to her as a friend of his or something. Anyway, I got talking to Jill, and not only was she really hot, but she could hold a decent conversation and seemed like an all-around pleasant girl. Being the smooth (or lucky) operator that I am, I got her number and set up a date with her for sushi.
Overall the date went pretty well, but unfortunately, I wasn’t totally successful in setting up a second one. Of course, it occurred to me that I might have messed up, but I was still maintaining contact with her, so all wasn’t lost.
Some time later I was at another party, and the same guy from before was there. Jill came up in conversation, and, while I don’t remember the exact words, he made a comment that made me think he, too, had been on a few dates with her, which was a bit surprising, since I thought he was just a friend of hers. Maybe a little more than a friend. In any case, this got under my skin a bit, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. I mean, it’s not like she was my girlfriend or anything, and I certainly wasn’t fixated solely on her, either. Anyway, Jill messaged me a few times and mentioned that she and a girlfriend of hers were on the way to the same party.
I don’t remember what happened to the guy I was talking to earlier (it could have been another party altogether, as far as I know), but I do remember the two girls showed up, and I remember they were both looking good. I ended up at a table chatting a bit with the two of them, which made me pleased as punch, but I soon noticed that they weren’t too interested in me. Jill talked with me a bit, but her friend, I noticed, was looking around the room. Most likely she was on the hunt for guys. Well, after what could have been no more than 20 minutes, Jill bade me goodbye and the two of them left for greener pastures, I guess. Now I was irritated. Hey, I guess I’m not the most interesting person in the world, but that made me feel like a total loser.
I can’t remember what happened after that, but to make a long story short, I eventually came to realize that I was a plan B on Jill’s list. . . . Actually “plan B” might be a bit generous. I was probably more like a plan M or something. In any case, I eventually gave up on ol’ Jill.
But the story doesn’t end there. A year or two later, she got back in touch with me and wanted to meet up.
So, whenever this happens, a guy has to think carefully. On one hand, I kind of felt like, in the past, she sort of put me on a shelf (does that metaphor make sense?) and left me to gather dust. But on the other hand, she never really did anything BAD to me, and also, she was really hot. So I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and meet up with her.
Well, the little date we had went pretty okay. I even broke the touch barrier at one point. She had also had a moderately decent amount of alcohol. In any case, the night ended, and we said our goodbyes. A little while after that, during our post-date texting, she mentioned something about dating. I think it was something to the effect of “I think you might be the kind of guy I’m looking for,” or something like that.
Now, in this situation, I was cautious. You see, as I mentioned earlier, I was pretty sure that, years ago, she sort of sidelined me in favor of a bigger fish (dang it, I’m screwing up my metaphors again). So this was a bit of a warning sign for me. Yes, it was possible that maybe she had suddenly realized what a catch I was, but I’m a little more realistically minded to believe that a simple walk around town, a few beers, and an arm around the shoulder was enough to convince her that I was better than some handsome rich guy which she could probably easily have acquired. Also, it’s my opinion that we men should not appear too eager to jump at the opportunity to date women—especially when it’s one who sidelined us in the past—as this makes us seem desperate, and therefore easy to manipulate. It sets a bad precedent and starts a relationship off on the wrong foot. Now, it’s possible that Jill really was a sweet girl, but I was very cautious about seeming too accessible. So I decided to play the game that women, on occasion, play with men. I told her I needed to consider it for a bit.
Oh—did I also mention that she had had a few beers? She wasn’t outright drunk, but it was obvious the drinks did have an effect on her. This was another reason I was being hesitant.
In any case, her response was generally good-natured. Something like “Okay, haha.” I forget, exactly. . . . Aaaand I also forget what happened after that. I do know that was the last time I saw Jill. I think I was kind of waiting for her to bring it up again. Perhaps a bit of a power play on my behalf, but again, I wasn’t about to make myself look too desperate. I think I felt like, since she had been the one to initially suggest it, it was up to her to bring it up again. I don’t really remember. In any case, things sort of fizzled, and I didn’t hear back from her again for another couple of years, when I was dating the woman who would later become my wife. So at this point, I generally answered her “what’s up?” questions politely, but made no effort to further the conversation. And that was that.
Were my decisions good? Like in most of these articles, it’s hard to say, but I’m convinced it was. Maybe I’m wrong, but at the end of the day, I just felt like I was a second-string player in her dating game, and in such instances, it’s usually best to follow your instincts.
So I failed with Jill, but I still had my sack.
Case 2: Let Me Give You Lessons in Kissing My Ass
Now let’s move on to a more black-and-white case. Zayna.
I had met Zayna at . . . you guessed it, a party (I met a lot of girls at parties, but depending on when, where, and how, you might or might not have the same experiences I did,) and, like Jill, we had some pleasant conversation, I like to think I was at least a bit funny, and I got her number.
Well, we stayed in touch via text, but every time I tried to set up a date, she was always busy.
So, unlike Jill, where I at least I was able to set up one or two dates, I never succeeded with Zayna. And this became a sign to me that she wasn’t interested. No problem, I’m not everyone’s cup of hot, steamy, tea, and I figured it was her loss, so I just stopped messaging her. Many months, later, (or maybe even longer, I can’t quite remember) she messaged me. She was studying for an English test and wanted my help.
I was about to look in the mirror to see if I had “sucker” tattooed on my forehead, then realized that it didn’t matter because we were communicating via text and she couldn’t see my head anyway.
Now, Zayna, like Jill, was pretty damn hot, but I knew when I was being used. So I replied by telling her that my rate for private lessons was about 40 bucks an hour (which was the going rate in that market at that time.) She replied by saying something like “I was thinking about just buying you dinner, lol.” Also, I should point out that she lived kind of far, and was expecting me to travel to her. Nope.
Again, I don’t remember precisely what I messaged back, but I think it was something like “Sorry, that’s a bit too far for me to travel,” or something like that. In any case, that was the last I heard from Zayna.
Sorry, I know when I’m being used.
Case 3: I’m Too Old, but You’re Too Dumb
Another similar story comes from . . . I don’t even remember her name. We’ll call her “Girl McBoobchest.” Anyway, I met Girl via the magical, marvelous internet. We never actually even met up. I think she was in her mid-twenties at the time, and I was in my mid-thirties. Things were going well, but then when she found out my age she said that I was “too old.” . . . Geez. I mean, I guess it was about a 10-year age difference, but I wasn’t exactly a senior citizen, here. Hell, I wasn’t even as old as Arnold when he starred in Predator. Cut me some slack, lady. In any case, I brushed her off with a “whatever,” (or something like that; I don’t quite remember,) and that was that.
Many months after that, I got a message from her wanting . . . you guessed it . . . some help with her English. I think her message was something like “Hey, I’ve got an emergency English problem I need help with.” It must have been for a report or something.
To quote Mr. Burns, “Eeeeexcellent . . .”
Now, I fully remembered this girl. Fully. But I’ve never been one to be above a little bit of lying when it suits me. So I replied, “Do I know you?” Her reply: “You don’t remember me? Lol.” Mine: “No, I don’t. Which means I have no reason to give you any help. I’m blocking you.” Aaaand I blocked her.
Girl wasn’t getting her hands on my sack.
Story 4: You can take the 810 bus to F*#@koffton
Speaking of age differences, this next woman was about 10 years MY senior at the time, but pretty sexy. So we’ll call her “Ethel.” Anyway, I had arranged a date with Ethel. The day of the date, she canceled on me. I don’t remember the exact reason, but as a general rule, that should end the deal right there. Typically unspecified cancellations happen when a woman has you as her backup plan, but a better (at least, in her misguided point of view) prospect comes along, at which point she promptly dumps you in favor of the other guy. It’s super crappy, and you shouldn’t do this with women you date, either. A promise is a promise, and they put that time aside for you. That being said, I’m not one to assume the worst right away, so I gave her a pass and rescheduled with her.
The next week, I had finished work, and gotten on the bus to go see her. While I was on the bus, she messaged me again, wanting to reschedule a second time. I told her no, the date was off, and that was that. At this point, she pleaded with me to reconsider, and even offered to keep her appointment with me for that day. In a way, that was even worse, because it meant that whatever she had planned (most likely meeting some other dumbass) wasn’t so important that she had to cancel with me. Well, she should have thought of that earlier. See yuh, granny. You should have jumped at the chance to date this strapping, young buck.
Story 5: Sometimes it’s Okay to Give a Woman Your Sack
Now, in general, you want to have your limits. Look, nowadays, girlfriends aren’t exactly easy to come by, but that doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards for yourself. However, sometimes it does pay to be a bit forgiving. Here’s one example.
I had been chatting with Kara for a couple of weeks. She was a freelancer, and had a very erratic schedule due to the need to comply with her clients’ timetables. Now, as seen above, my usual policy is “one strike and you’re out,” but somehow she seemed sincere. Don’t ask me why, she just did. Now, the other side of that coin was that, even if she was sincere, the fact that she had such a schedule to begin with didn’t bode well. I mean, I get that she had to put her career as a top priority, but I didn’t relish the thought of having a relationship with a woman who was such a time complication. At point I did sort of draw the line and tell her “no thanks,” but she must have been pretty convincing, and, long story short, I did end up meeting her. And . . . she was absolutely ready to handle my sack that very night. She made that quite clear. I had to leave her a bit disappointed in that sense, but I went on a few subsequent dates with her after that, and it seemed like I could have forged a relationship with her, had I wanted, but at the end of the day, her personality just didn’t mesh with mine.
Anyway, the lesson here is that sometimes giving a little leeway can have payoffs, so think carefully.
Final Thoughts
But are the Ferengi right? Is dignity and an empty sack worth only the sack? Why is this all important?
First of all, because you shouldn’t let anyone bully you. And this is, in a way, a form of bullying. . . . Okay, maybe it’s a bit different. Bullying usually involves one guy making another feel like crap so as to elevate his own position. In the cases above, it was a woman simply prioritizing other things over me . . . but at cost to myself. You and I both deserve respect, and the moment people end up treating us with less respect than we deserve, we need to stand up to that. If we don’t, we start to lose respect for ourselves, and this opens the door for others to push us around and take advantage of us. Don’t let it happen.
The other issue is that it causes men, in general, to lose credibility with women. When a woman sees that a man is willing to throw away his own dignity for even the slightest promise of a handjob, we really start to lose grace in her eyes. She’ll discuss this with other women who will get the same idea and then it snowballs until . . . well, until we get to the way things are in the 21st century.
But it’s not too late!
Always remember that, though it might seem like high quality women are in short abundance, they’re out there, and you don’t have to settle. So the next time someone expects you to sacrifice both your dignity and your sack, glom on to both, sling them over your shoulder, and march off to find another woman who respects them.
The Functional Male 