Too slow? Too fast?? How and when to escalate physical contact on your dates

Yikes. Another article that ended up turning into a mini-guidebook. When I started this one out, I meant it to be nice and simple, but it sort of evolved. I thought about splitting in two, but I just felt that was a waste of everyone’s time to break it up like that. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Dating. It’s a treacherous minefield for us to navigate. Not only do we have the challenge of presenting ourselves in such a way that will make a girl want to like us more than any other guy out there, but we also have to set the pace for how fast to move. And make no mistake, this is very hazardous ground. One step too fast or too slow and BOOM! You’re done, soldier. Your arms and legs have been blown off and you end up like that guy in Metallica’s video for “One.”

Okay, maybe I’m being overly dramatic. But this is a serious dilemma all men face. It’s a dilemma we’ve been facing since the first days men decided to start courting women rather than clubbing them over the head and, in the wake of the Me Too movement (I remembered my vow to avoid using the dumb hashtag this time) the world is particularly sensitive to the complications this social dynamic can bring about.

And here’s something that complicates things even more: men really get mixed messages about how aggressively they should act in a dating situation. On one hand, we’re told to be gentlemen, and to treat women with respect. But on the other hand, you have pop culture, and yes, sometimes women themselves, telling us that we need to be aggressive. Why, a few years ago, one of the most popular books on the shelves, Fifty Shades of Gray was all about an aggressive, dominating man (disclaimer: I have not read this book at all). This should tell you something. And it doesn’t help when a lot of women still expect men to be able to infer their emotions from a sea of mixed and confusing signals.

Now, time out, here. I’m not making excuses for rapists. Common sense and human decency should serve as a safeguard for all of that. I also realize that women often times feel that, for any number of reasons, they can’t express their intentions or desires to their dates. I’m not writing to debate the justifications of male and female behavior. I’m only writing to bring it to light. But I am saying that it makes sense when sometimes it can be confusing to know when you should up the intensity in your dating strategy. And, because this site is a guide to help you . . . it just so happens I have help to give. So, all pointless exposition aside, let’s look at some strategies and insights to make sure you’re progressing at the right pace.

The dater’s dilemma

First of all, like I’ve said many times in previous articles, every woman is different. This means that any choice you make is basically a roll of the dice. You can make an educated guess at it, but at the end of the day, the outcome is subject to all number of factors, and very often one wrong guess will ensure there’s no second date. You see, some women will, indeed, expect you to initiate physical contact with them. Failing to do so shows you lack confidence or even that you aren’t attracted to them (the former makes them think you’re a loser, the latter makes them feel like a loser). I remember one date I went on. I had been on several dates with this girl, and from all indications she was having a pretty fun time. The two of us went to a karaoke parlor together (in Asia, karaoke is often done in private rooms which you pay for by the hour) and she started holding my hand. I knew I could probably kiss her, but decided to hold off (for some reason). When our session finished, we pleasantly parted ways and . . . that was the last date she ever wanted to go on with me. See, I didn’t take the opportunity when it was presented, and lost it for good (which is okay, because she had totally weird hands with these meaty fingers and super short nails at the ends). But while she was ready to move quickly, other women will prefer to move much more slowly. Learning from my previous experience from the Great Karaoke Debacle, I resolved to start turning up the juice on my dates. Not a lot, mind you, just a little. I decided to start initiating physical contact (putting my arm around the girl, holding her hand for a few seconds, etc.) early in the dating process. And I got more than one complaint that it made the girl feel uncomfortable.

So what all of this means is that you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

Don’t get discouraged

So now that you know the problem, what’s the solution? To just not try at all? It might feel like that sometimes. Well, let’s go back to my dice-rolling analogy for a moment. It’s true that you can’t control the outcome of the dice, but as anyone who knows a little about gambling will tell you, 7 has the highest probability of being rolled. Of course, there are many times the result won’t be 7, but it’s still the best number to guess. Your dating strategy is similar. Go for the safest strategy. Now, some people will tell you that being safe is never the way to win big in gambling or in life but those people are either very lucky or getting beat up on a regular basis by loan collectors named “Vinny.”

So here’s the thing to remember. When in doubt, it’s better to err on the side of caution. If you’re not sure if it’s the time to hold her hand, go in for the kiss, or take off your shirt to let her rub your chest hair, then don’t do it. Yes, sometimes by being cautious and slow you run the risk of appearing unconfident and losing the girlfriend, but on the other hand if you move too fast, you run the risk of ruining her day . . . and losing the girlfriend.

Also, keep in mind that if a girl is willing to discard a perfectly nice guy for the simple fact that he didn’t kiss her where and when she wanted, she’s also someone who probably lacks patience and is an impulsive and unwise decision maker not willing to invest in a relationship (time to go to Tinder to find the next guy). Probably not the kind of girl who’s going to be a good partner for you. So in this case, moving slow is not only a safer option, it also safeguards against crappy girlfriends, sometimes.

So if you have to choose between too fast or too slow, go it slow. That being said, you can never be totally sure of anything when it comes to dating and reading peoples’ emotions, so at some point you’re going to have to dip your toes in the water to see if it’s suitable for swimming. What follows is a step-by-step process to doing this.

The stages of physical intimacy escalation

So once you’re ready to start turning up the heat in your dating game, there are steps you want to follow. How fast or slow you do these depends on a number of factors, which we’ll discuss later, but you’ll almost always go through each of these in order. So here we go:

1. Before you start: First of all, understand that you do run the risk of awkwardness. It really sucks when you go in for that kiss and she doesn’t want it. It’s awkward for you and it’s awkward for her. But awkward moments happen and we get over it. The nice thing about being cautious, and about this guide, is that it ensures you do things in steps, so that you’ll probably never get to a point where either of you feel too awkward, and there’s always ways that you can bounce back from ungainly situations.

Second, be ready to pull out. No, not that kind of pull out, you pervert. Anyway, if, at any point, things seem awkward, go ahead and stop what you’re doing and take things back a step. For example, if you go in for the kiss, and she just sort of sits there with wide eyes, or if she doesn’t seem to feel comfortable with what you’re doing, stop. You’ve reached the limit of her comfort level and you’ve made your intentions clear. At this point go back to whichever step you were at before and continue on as you were. It can be difficult to recover from this (hence why I told you to be prepared for awkwardness) so just concentrate on pretending like you have complete confidence in yourself and the situation. Sometimes it can help to make a remark that will help take her mind off the awkwardness (something like “I wonder what they were thinking when they decided on that color of wallpaper,” or “Does this coffee taste okay to you?”) but that can also backfire and make things seem more awkward, so you’ll have to go with your gut and your common sense on this one. In any case, the main goal here is to let her know that you’re not perturbed or ruffled about your failed attempt. If she picks up on your calm attitude, it will hopefully make her relax more too. Who knows, maybe now that she has a better grasp of what’s happening, and has seen how you handled your failure and her rejection, she might actually think more highly of you following the incident. This has actually happened to me before: my calm acceptance of an awkward kiss changed my date’s attitude from reserved, to her forcibly trying to remove my underpants, within the span of several weeks. I’m not lying, here. But that’s a story for another day.

Third, be on the lookout for signals the girl might give to let you know it’s time to up the intensity. Once more, be careful, because some women might seem like they’re giving off these signals, but really aren’t, so again, you’ll have to guess. What kind of signals, you might ask? Well, there’s a lot of material out there written about this topic, and about fifty percent of it is nonsense (maybe I’ll write my own guide later) and again, it’s different for each woman, but ones I’ve encountered are: light touching, compliments about your physical appearance, “grooming” gestures (straightening your collar or tie), seductive postures (like leaning forward on the table to expose her cleavage), or suggestions to go to private or romantic locations (LIKE A KARAOKE PARLOR YOU NUMBSKULL). Again, these can be signals that she’s into you, but other times not—maybe she’s straightening your tie because she sees you as a clueless schlub who needs sisterly guidance, maybe she’s just a person who touches a lot, or maybe she just has large breasts that just naturally display themselves (that last one’s a keeper!)

Last, but not least, take “Don’t do that,” at face value. If a girl says “Don’t do that,” (or “No,” or “Sorry, I changed my mind—the Obama Mask isn’t as sexy as I thought it would be,”) then don’t do that. Don’t listen to what porn tells you and keep persisting—she won’t change her mind. Yeah, sometimes we get mixed signals, but again, when in doubt, move slowly, remember those dice, and remember Vinny.

2. Break the touch barrier: people naturally have this concept of personal space. It’s a bit more pronounced in the West than it is in more eastern countries, but generally everyone has it. So when you break that barrier by touching someone, it both signals your willingness to become closer to them, and also creates a closer bond between the two of you. Or . . . makes the other person really uncomfortable. Whichever. In any case, you do this with simple physical contact: a light touch on the arm when you ask a question, a gentle whap with your hand when you tease her (gentle—don’t knock her out) or so on. If you don’t normally do these kinds of things when you interact with people, then don’t do them here—it’ll make you seem unnatural. That’s the case with me, but what I’ve found is an easy natural way to break the touch barrier is to lightly guide your date by placing a hand on her shoulder as you hold open a door for her. Or, when you’re walking next to her, you can guide her to your other side in situations when there are cars or heavy foot traffic on her side of the street. This has the added benefit of showing leadership.

I’ve heard some people say you can break this step down even further by touching your date’s belongings first. Of course, don’t be rude—don’t just say “Hey, can I see your purse?” then start riffling through it. But things like, “Here, give me your bag and I’ll put it next to mine. That way you don’ t have to hold it on your lap,” or “Let me take your coat,” or “ That’s a wonderful shirt. What kid of material is that? [as you lightly touch the sleeve].” Sometimes you can kill two birds with one stone. If she’s wearing a ring, you can examine the ring while holding her hand in yours at the same time. Zing!

3. Arm around the shoulder: You’ve broken the touch barrier, so now it’s time to take the next step. And this is kind of a big step since, with breaking the touch barrier, she might not necessarily know how you feel about her, but with this, it’s definitely going into girlfriend territory. And it can be awkward, or feel forced, as usual, but again, there’s a trick here. You know that old gag where the kid is in the movie theater, and he yawns then puts his arm around the girl? Well, it turns out that advice isn’t all that bad: above, I mentioned guiding your date with your hand as a means of breaking the touch barrier. Well, you can use this to segue into a full-on arm around the shoulder. While walking together, if she’s on the outside (the direction where all the car or foot traffic is coming,) you can guide her out of the way with your arm, then just let it linger on her shoulder a few seconds before removing it, to get the message across. (You might find, though, that the actual movie theater trick, while having the right idea, doesn’t work so well in theory since it forces the girl to lean uncomfortably forward.)

The question you’re probably asking at this point, though, is “How long do I wait between steps 1 and 2?” Well, that kind of depends. If the girl you’re dating seems particularly shy and you’re quite not sure if she sees you as a date or just friends (this happens a lot in non-western countries) then you might want to just linger at step 1 during your first time together, then, on the second date, try it at the end as you’re walking her back to the subway station or her car. That way, if it does make her feel awkward, it’s at the end of date and not midway through. If, however, you feel really comfortable with the woman, and/or it’s a more westernized country that has a more straightforward and logical—I mean “practical”– approach to dating, OR if you really like this girl and want to make your girlfriend before any other douchebags do it first (time is an issue, here,) then I’d recommend throwing caution to the wind and doing this near the end of the first date, rather than the second. On the other hand, if you feel like you’re getting quite a few positive signals from the woman, feel free to try it earlier on in the date, and see what happens.

4. Cool it for a bit. Wait for reciprocation: At this point you’ll want to back off for a bit and see what happens. Ideally the woman will get the idea and you’ll start seeing some physical affection from her side: cuddling up to you, walking very close to you, etc. But again . . . sometimes not! In the latter case, see if she agrees to another date. If so, you can probably assume (probably) that she was okay having your arm around her. So at the start of this subsequent date, after greeting her, immediately put your arm around her after you head off to do whatever it is you’re going to do. It should almost certainly go without a hitch.

5. The hand hold: By now you should be getting some reciprocity from the girl. If you’re not, well . . . that’s a bit weird, but it does happen. In any case, now it’s time to move on to the hand hold. Like the arm around the shoulder, this is best done while walking. A great opportunity to do this is when you encounter a crowd of people you have to walk through. Simply grab her hand with yours being in front (if won’t work if your forearm is behind hers) and gently pull her behind you as you cleave a path through the crowd. Again, this shows both leadership and establishes physical contact. When the path is clear, let her catch up with you and ta-da! You’re holding hands. Alternatively, if you live in area where there aren’t many crowds, you can still lead her over to something you want to look at (or want to pretend you want to look at): “Hey, look, a concert poster. Let’s see who’s playing!” you say before gently taking her hand and leading her over to look at the poster for Cannibal Corpse.

6. The kiss: Now it’s getting steamy. Fortunately for you, I’ve wrote a whole article on this part. You can read it here.

What next? Well, the next part depends on you and your morals and intentions. Of course, just as you have to consider her comfort level, she also needs to be respectful of yours, and if you want to keep things at this level, that’s perfectly fine. If you’re the kind of guy who’s looking for something a bit . . . erm . . . more physical, well, at some point you’ll want to invite her to someplace private. This doesn’t have to be fancy or tricky, like the “arm around the shoulder” phase. In fact, being straightforward (and non-creepy) is probably a plus, here. A simple “Well, how about we head back to my place for a bit?” should suffice. Also, this is where you can get into dangerous territory. Whereas with prior steps, being a bit too persistent can result in awkwardness, at this point you have to be really careful that you don’t cross over into the realm of sexual assault.

Actually, maybe that’s not quite right. At the end of the day, it probably shouldn’t be complicated if you’re nice, respectful, and don’t be persistent when someone seems unenthusiastic about whatever it is you want to do. Example. You: “Alriiight! Now it’s time for the syrup!” Her: “What?” You: “Syrup. Boysenberry, specifically. I’m going to pour it all over your body. It’s a little move I call ‘The Grand Slam.’ Named after the pancake breakfast at Denny’s.” Her: “Um…” At that point, you should probably hold off on the syrup. Remember as I said near the beginning of this guide. When in doubt, take it slow. There’s actually a video you can find that does a pretty good job of summing this up. Simply type in “sexual consent and tea” and you’ll find it. And, like the video will tell you, if the girl is drunk, keep your hands 100% off. Honestly, if you’re like me, you might find the video a bit patronizing; it seems to assume that the majority of men are sex-crazed cretins, but I guess it needs to be said for the minority that are.

What about online interaction?

I’d be foolish not to ignore this aspect of dating. Various interactions online can sometimes accelerate the physical contact process, but sometimes not. If you haven’t met the person in real life, but your online interactions have gotten fairly intimate, you still need to take things a bit slowly when you meet the first time. Keep in mind she might not be as attracted to you in real life, so, while you can feel free to go a bit more quickly this time around (not doing so will make you seem less confident and attractive in real life) but be just a little cautious before going straight for the kiss. Also, on the other hand, remember that sometimes people are more confident online then they are in person, so whereas her messages might have been pretty daring, don’t be surprised if she’s a bit more reserved when you really meet her.

What about just asking?

“Hey, Mr. Article Writer—how about this? Instead of trying to guess what she wants, why not just ask? Why not be like ‘Hey, can I hold your hand?”’ Well, Mr. Hypothetical Reader, that would make sense, wouldn’t it? But unfortunately sense doesn’t always apply to the realm of romance. It is true that this might work some of the time, but, whether we want it or not, our culture just doesn’t accept that kind of strategy. In general, it indicates a lack of confidence, which in turn indicates a lack of leadership and strength on your behalf, and in the vast majority of circumstances, it will be a turnoff to your date. It’s a bit unfair, I know, but I didn’t make the rules. Anyway, if you want to ignore this advice and try, go for it. If you find a system that works, write a guide for it. I’m sure it’ll help a lot of guys.

Good luck and follow and your heart.

Whew! We made it to the end. Hopefully that helps lay things out for you in a (I hope) easily understandable format. It’s a stormy ocean full of—wait, I said in the beginning it was a minefield. Um, it’s a . . . miney minefield full of stuff that can blow off your limbs, so go out it slow, be a gentleman, and don’t listen to your wiener. Do all of these, and you can rest assured that you’re doing the right thing and can approach the situation with the confidence you need.